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Nina Hartley: MILF Trainer


Studio: Hustler Video » Review by Crimson Clown » Review Date: 3/27/08



XCritic's Advice: Watch On Demand

If you're like me, the initial reaction to the title "Nina Hartley: Milf Trainer" will be: Well, of course. I mean who else is suited to train Milfs than Nina Flippin' Hartley? No one. No one. Well--maybe Kay Parker, but that's a whole other topic for another review. "Nina Hartley: Milf Trainer" is something I originally likened to Hartley's past instructional DVD's where she'd awkwardly pull women off the street, but sadly it's just another dumb old porn movie where hot old Nina Hartley and other Milf's fuck senselessly. I jest, but Hartley's flick "Milf Trainer" which is just a little under two hours, is an okay porn. Admittedly, it's rather disappointing, with segments that border on tedious quite often, and I just wish I loved this as much as I do other Milf porn.



Nina Hartley 101
Beginning with a blowjob, Nina Hartley breaks the fourth wall to discuss how she is sucking cock, loves to suck cock, sucks familiar cock, and loves cock. Seriously. After reminding us that she's Nina Hartley, she continues with the heavy blowjob sucking off the lucky bastard who clutches her hair taking the blow job. He pulls his rod up and she goes to work on his balls and then again on his cock, and bends down over him showing us her plump gorgeous ass under a small skirt and thong. After endless cock sucking and hand jobs, her mate finally cums all over her tits, and Hartley sets the stage for the next contestants. You probably assume I'm being succinct to speed up the review, but seriously, it's all she does on the opening segment, sucking and stroking and then nothing else. There'd better be more, Nina.

Payton Leigh 101
Payton also breaks the fourth wall, and also jerks the cock of a luck bastard, going down on him to suck him off as he leans back. After taking a mouthful of his meat for a good amount of time, she undresses very slowly and bends down over the black couch to take it up her big ass. He pumps her slowly at first and then proceeds to pound her ass for a short time while she rubs her tits and screams out; he then sits on the couch as she mounts and rides him from behind with her legs spread wide and eases herself along his cock with every thrust he provides from below her. She warbles with every movement he makes beneath her and Braun gladly zeroes in on her pierced pussy while he generally takes it easy on her clit. She lays on his lap sucking him off while he gnaws at her pussy, and he spreads her out fucking her pussy and dominating her with her leg up along his shoulder. She mounts him again leaning down to take it up the ass, and he slowly thrusts her hole while she winces every time. Generally, this is a repetitive and quickly tedious follow up segment as Payton is good looking but not sexy enough to warrant her inclusion, and she just looks outright bored while fucking the man. I never bought into her allure, once.



Debbie Dial 101

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Debbie Dial looks like a milf but she just seems awkward in the process. Her smile is unusual, her dancing is just stiff as a board, and I never quite knew whether she thought she was seductive or was just coerced into attempting seduction on the camera. Why even break the fourth wall? Either way, Dial is good looking and definitely a Milf and a half. She strips so meticulously she even makes a point of taking off her sandals slowly, and then goes down on her mate to suck him off for the camera. She undresses flashing her plump ass to the camera, and mounts her mate backward to ride his cock up her pussy with slow thrusts, acknowledging the camera and groaning with a sneer. And then rides him like she's driving a car. She leans left, she leans right, and she loses control! Typical woman. He spreads her wide and begins pumping her from the side with her leg high on his shoulder. He finally pounds her pussy with commitment and one hand on her tit, and after some heated fucking, they make out softly while he injects her from behind pounding her ass. And again, she looks bored. She lets out a grunt or two every so often, but generally, she seems like she's reminding herself to pick up eggs or something, and I just couldn't get into it. These Milfs are boring me.



Kayla Quinn 101
Kayla names her tits. Which isn't a bad thing, per se, but when she sounds like a looney talking about her boobs, it's discomforting. Just the same, aside from Hartley, Kayla has been the hottest Milf in the compilation so far. She looks great, she's sexy, and in spite of her slight eccentricities, she looks like a worthy roll in the hay. After talking to us about her boobs, and expressing her pride for them (who can blame her?), she sucks on them and moves over to the mate sitting behind her waiting for her to finish. She undresses and leans over to suck his cock, she deep throats it, then sucks the shaft, and then get down to his balls with both lips. She lies on the couch fingering herself as he leans over behind her to suck on her big tits and nibble the nipple, spanking them and clutching them roughly. She spreads her legs out wide and he begins eating her pussy out and fingering her hole with two digits, while she shivers and rubs her nipples. He smacks his cock against her tits and she allows a tit fucking which heats up considerably as she struggles to keep her balance in the seat. She mounts him with her ass high in the air, and rides his cock hard and fast, and turns to ride his cock with his rapid fire thrusts into her pussy. She leans over on the couch to take the pounding in the ass, and looks damn good taking it from him with her tits flopping with every hit, and her lusty gaze flashing the screen. Quinn is a lovely change of pace from everyone else here; she has charisma, and looks damn good.



Nina Hartley 102
Hartley returns and she's back in costume and her mate is back in clothing. What the feck? Anyway, she goes on again about whatever: her ass, cock, her ass, and how she loves sex, and granted, she has a great ass, but she's too aware she's making a porno. Add something to the fantasy for the folks here, huh? After she's done jabbering, she sits on his lap with her legs spread and they make out passionately, as he smacks her ass and rubs her tits. He stands over her to kiss her and she lifts a leg to allow her pussy to be eaten and fingered while she grins gleefully. That Hartley knows foreplay. He seems to do everything but fuck her at points, just examining her clit and observing it, and I just wondered "Are we ever going to get to the fucking?!" No... no. We almost don't. He eats her pussy, she sucks his cock and twirls it around her mouth for a while, they 69, and... okay, we get it, her ass is big. Finally after a lot of stalling, he penetrats her from behind and begins pounding her hard as she chuckles and fingers herself. He bends her over to pay tribute to her ass, and then dominates her, mounting her and fucking her ass hard and fast as she cries out leaning down on the couch. She turns over to ride his cock for a while and then flexes her ass for the camera finally continuing the ride as he groans and clutches her cheeks. It all finally ends with a cum on her ass and Hartley signs off with her usual wit, which is sadly not amusing. Why, Nina? Why?

Audio/Visuals:
The sound varies from segment to segment. Often times the microphone is so far from the actresses that can only make out what they're saying due to their echoes and really nothing more. They're very indiscernable in their speeches and exchanges with one another and I couldn't make heads or tails out of what they were trying to get across here. Beyond that, the sound for the body motions is rather MIA, with no smacks or slaps to be heard, which adds to the tedium that's a common presence here. The picture though is great with a sharp and clear transfer that makes every segment look rather good. Braun's film is in widescreen with some clear colors, and vibrant whites, and I enjoyed the look of it.

Goodies:
There is the 25 Minute Behind the Scenes feature which gives us Axel Braun interviewing and sucking up to Hartley who sits in front of a television to talk about her career, and the business, as well as the mechanics of fucking and sucking. Incidentally, we don't even get to see the other performers on the flick which leads me to believe the "Behind the Scenes" is really just an interview opportunity for the movie. While Hartley does have some interesting things to say about amateurs ruining the porn business, you can't just call this "Behind the Scenes." Why not just call it for what it is? An interview with Nina Hartley, for Christ sake, give us some bloopers or something. There's the "Slideshow" which are production stills and candids of the performers during the fucking and sucking, and your basic leads to links and URLS to Hustler sites. A lot of ins, a lot of outs, a lot of what have yous.

After Thought:
Well, I'm disappointed. I think Nina Hartley is gorgeous, sexy, alluring, and has some great things to offer us, but sadly, this porn flick is limp, and saggy. I wish I would have loved it, but the actresses are bland, the segments are tedious, and Hartley's beginning and finisher are just humdrum, at the least. As well, the extras are pretty anemic, so when all is said and done, I can only suggest you Rent It, and then be done with it.

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