After my last experience going outside the box and
reviewing toys instead of DVDs, I decided to put that aside and give it another
shot. See, two years ago, I popped my "adult toy" cherry with Jesse Jane's Deep Throat Masturbator. Needless to say, it wasn't
Still, after seeing the Nookii Toy - In the Mood For Love on our screener list,
I decided to throw caution into the wind and say "Hey, why the hell not?". I
mean, at the very least, it'll break up the monotony of reviewing DVDs...right?
Unlike last time (and since I don't have a vagina), I had to enlist help from
the missus. I nudged her awake and dropped my best line - "Feel like helping me
review this?" With game like that, she couldn't resist. So I opened up the
cylinder and unpacked the items inside, which included:
Each item comes sealed separately in plastic. According
to the outer container, the Pearl requires 2 AA batteries, so I set off to find
some. Once I found them (in my DVD remote control), I tried installing them. I
pulled out the plastic tray, snapped the AA's inside and closed the vibe. I
clicked on the button.
- Pearl - A "chic designer nodular waterproof
- Tickler - A "sensual designer sleeve".
- Pack of Love Action Cards.
- Fluffy pink blindfold.
- Do Not Disturb door sign.
No go. Perhaps they were inserted the wrong way? Nope.
So, for the next ten minutes or so, I tried a variety of
combinations and various AA batteries from remotes around the house. As I
continued to get it to work, I felt my blood rushing - unfortunately, it was
rushing to the wrong head. So I decided to give it to the missus and let her
deal with it.
Not even ten seconds had passed and she has it humming.
Guess it needed a woman's touch, huh?
-- sponsored by --
While she was examining the Pearl, I unwrapped the other
four items. There are 21 "Love Action" cards total - with categories ranging
from "Tips For Play" to "Suggestions For Him/Her". The cards are pretty
"sensual" (as opposed to "naughty" or "downright nasty") and are definitely recommended for couples
in a relationship. In other words, don't bother bringing them along if you want
to use 'em with a chick you just picked up at a club. When I finished giving the
cards a once-over, we started getting down to business.
I put the fluffy pink blindfold on the missus and
started undressing her. When she was fully nekkid, I started with the foreplay
(more than I usually am accustomed to doing). I was kissing her neck while
gently running my fingers along various parts of her body (that usually causes
her nipples to get hard). In fact, it was while I was sucking on her nipples
that I grabbed the Pearl, clicked it on and began putting it against her body.
As I was winding up licking between her breasts (she likes that for some
reason), I started moving my tongue down past her belly-button while I spread
her legs apart. I ran the Pearl along her inner thigh, on the way up to her
pussy (while spending some time at her belly button). When the Pearl and her
pussy finally connected, she was already wet, so there was no alternate
lubrication necessary. From there, I put the tip of the Pearl along her clit and
slowly moved it back and forth. As I did this, I figured i'd put all the endless
hours of porn i've watched to good use and decided to get my tongue and some
fingers involved along with the Pearl (i'm a pretty good multi-tasker). At this
point, she was practically dripping, so I slowly slid the Pearl inside of her
(while keeping it on the "low" setting). I spent some time using it to fuck her,
before she demanded that I fuck her instead. I reminded her that we
were only in this situation in the interest of public service, so she said I
could keep the Pearl on her clit as long as it was me that was inside of her. It
really didn't take me long to grant her wish, since watching her reaction with
the Pearl had done more than enough to arouse me. We continued this way for some
However, I almost totally forgot about the Tickler. Now,
remember, i've had limited personal experience with toys (well, make that ONE
experience), so I had no idea which way the Tickler was supposed to go on my
dick. Was it ribbed for my pleasure? Do I put it on with the bumps on
the inside so I feel some of what Jesse had tried to do oh-so-long ago? Or do I
put it on with the bumps out? But, wait...wouldn't that hurt her? I mean, I know
the female species give birth on a regular basis, but she's not loose enough to
slide the entire thing inside of her without some discomfort. So, I
decided to make sure that she had enough lubricant (just in case) and slid the
sleeve on. Even though she still had the blindfold on (remember that?), I
informed her what I was going to do (very gently). Frankly, I think she was
still reeling from the licking that I gave her and would've let me do anything
to her ("Hey honey, i'm supposed to figure a way to stick this bowling ball up
there..."). So, with the sleeve on, I slowly (and gently) slid it inside of her.
For the most part, it didn't do much for her. There was no arousal, no pain
either. I figured "Ah ha! It is for me! I just have it on the wrong way!" I
pulled out of her, took off the Tickler, turned it inside out and slid it back
on. With the tickler on, I slid back inside of her and gave her a couple of
thrusts. No. Wasn't doing anything for me. It was doing even less for her too.
So I decided to pull it off and continue fucking her the good 'ol fashioned way.
During a pause between positions, I grabbed the Pearl
and spent some time using it on her clit and inside of her again (at both speeds
this time). I guess I overstayed my welcome, because she said she was starting
to feel "desensitized" by the vibing. Either that, or she just wanted me back
inside of her (I have a feeling it was the latter). So, since sex isn't
supposed to be something painful (unless you're into that sort of thing), I
threw the Pearl near the pillow and we spent the remainder of the time toy (but
not blindfold) free.
Would I pay for this? No, I don't think I would.
Frankly, the cards were useless to me (I didn't think they
were "naughty" enough), as was the Tickler (worn both ways). However, the missus felt some "heightened pleasure" because of the blindfold and the Pearl was quite sleek, sturdy and, once you figure out how to load the
batteries, a welcome addition to our usual foreplay. Since there is no Rent It
classification (which makes sense...duh), i'm comfortable giving this a Recommended rating based on how impressive the Pearl was in its
simplicity and durability.