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Don't Fuck It...Just Suck It!


Studio: Platinum X Pictures » Review by JJ Stalker » Review Date: 4/27/08



XCritic's Advice: Skip It

Intro: Directed by Zander Kelly, "Don't Fuck It...Just Suck It!" is a five scene blowjob video that weighs in at just over 90 minutes running time. All the scenes are POV shot by Zander.

I'm always interested in seeing nice blowjobs, and bj vids often deliver a dozen or more such scenes on a single video. Unfortunately, most of these scenes usually suck, but even one or two really sweet blowjobs can make such a pic worth checking out. Anyway, I thought it was strange that this video only had five long scenes, but I always like watching cover girl Cindy Crawford do all those nasty things she does, so I thought I'd check it out.

Well, I'll spare you the suspense: this picture isn't very good. The interaction between Zander and the girls feels painfully awkward at times, and the title becomes ever more incomprehensible when we get one scene that is just a handjob and one that actually has some fucking.

And oh yeah, the handjob scene was Cindy Crawford's which pissed me off since the number one reason I picked this video up was to see Cindy suck. Not very nice!

The menu screen actually has a nice metally loop track complete with a wah. Very nice. Too bad we not here for the music. We get the usual three choices: Play Movie, Scene Selection, Special Features. So let's hit play and get right into it.

Scene 1: Kelly Divine and Zander Kelly

I really don't want to waste a lot of words on this video, so here's what you need to know. Kelly's a brunette with nice fake tits. She lustily services Zander's uncircumcised member and then jerks and sucks him off onto her tits.

The interaction between the two is painful throughout. He's never really able to set her at ease, and the whole scene just has a strange vibe. However, Kelly looks good in this scene, and she's a competent cocksucker that would be welcome at my place anytime.

This is a fair scene...at best.

Scene 2: Cindy Crawford and Zander Kelly

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Cindy looks nice and fuckable in this scene as usual. Unfortunately, that's the only good thing that can really be said about it since it's a handjob scene in a blowjob movie.

Regardless, Cindy jerks and spits and teases him with her pussy for less than fifteen poorly lit minutes before he pops on his own pants.

This is a poor scene...and a rip off

Scene 3: Tia Thomas and Zander Kelly

Tia's a brunette with a super sexy, all natural body that made be drool. She's got great tits, a great ass, and a pretty, pretty pussy. I want one of these for Chrstimas! This scene starts with quite a lot of Tia teasing and and playing with herself. Her body is an absolute pleasure to behold, but I'd have liked it better if she hadn't been wearing those ugly fucking boots.

Finally, she fishes out his penis, and puts it in her mouth. The bj is lame but mercifully short, and judging from this alone (as it's the first time I've ever seen her), I'd say Tia could use some dick smoking lessons. Naturally, I'm always happy to give cute porn girls a few pointers, but regardless, it'd be nice to see Tia polish up on her oral skills somehow.

Anyway, then we get some more tease before the fuck. This goes on for WAY too long. And wait a minute, fuck? In a bj vid? Now the title makes no sense at all, but that's a nit since I really wanted to see this girl get banged.

Too bad it lasts about a tenth as long as the tease that came before it. I shit you not, the actual fucking is less than a minute. Then Zander pulls at and pops on her pretty pink puss.

This is a sexy girl in a lame scene. Too bad.

Scene 4: Casey Casablancas and Zander Kelly

Casey Casablancas would probably be pretty decent looking if she didn't also come across as mentally retarded. She's a tail brunette with brown eyes and a pretty decent body.

Anyway, she sucks him and teases him with her pussy, managing to look and act lobotomized the entire time. Finally he pops on her tits. Thankfully, it's short at only 12 minutes.

This is NOT a good scene...

Scene 5: Sabrina Starr and Zander Kelly

I wanted to fuck Sabrina the moment she walked through the door. She's got a great, outgoing personality and a pretty face framed with long, straight brown hair. She walks inside and opens up her coat to reveal a pink halter top/bra and matching panties together with white stockings and heels. She tells us up front that she likes having her hair pulled and her ass spanked.

Then Zander pulls her top down to reveal a lovely set of tits which she commands him to smack. Ok, now I really want to fuck this girl. But it just keeps getting better as she gives one of the best teases I've seen in quite a long time. It was enough to make my balls ache, and I wasn't even there. This girl is fucking hot.

And she delivers a nice, photogenic blowjob with some great faces and sweet talk. But in the end, Mr. Kelly puts a couple of drops of cum on her tits prompting her to ask, "Is that it?"

Anyway, this is the hottest scene of the flick primarily because Miss Starr is absolutely smokin'! I hope to see more of her in the very near future. In spite of that, there were parts of this scene that pained me.

This is a good scene, relatively speaking...

Audio/Video: The whole vid is 4:3 fullscreen. The lighting is poor at points, but on the whole this is one of the lesser problems in this video.

DVD Extras: We get a cumshot recap, some behind the scenes that I couldn't bear to watch, and a photo gallery with some startlingly poor pics: blurry, poorly lit, and generally unflattering.

Final Thoughts: In a movie full of lows there are a few highs like Sabrina Starr, Tia Thomas' super sexy body, and Kelly Divine's sweet cocksucking that will keep this vid out of my trash can, but you can safely pass on this one.




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