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Real Roadside Ho's

Studio: Pleasure Productions » Review by Crimson Clown » Review Date: 5/23/08

XCritic's Advice: Skip It

You have to give it to New Porn Order, their line of "Reality Porn" strives to bring us porn that looks about as realistic as possible. At least that's the case with "Real Roadside Ho's" which purports to be realistic focusing on women who look true to reality where women may as well be living right next to us. But there in lies the self-defeating gimmick on display here. We don't watch porn to watch realistic women have sex. We watch porn for fantasy sake, we watch porn to blow our load to women we could never obtain, to immerse ourselves in situations that would never happen. "Real Roadside Ho's" is a terrible porno movie, with women who range from mediocre to just plain unappealing (And I'm being nice in that regard), in a gimmick that's about as entertaining as Colon cancer. A group of dudes are riding around finding good looking women to fuck. They happen to come across women who are more than willing to get into a van with strange men and fuck. And... it's terrible. Te-rri-ble.

Ho One: Meaghan Jones
Jones is very cute, and she bears a slight resemblance to Jessica Alba, which makes the opening segment much more enjoyable in the long run. She has a very cute body and long legs, and she's the first at bat. The stop her while walking on the street and she explains that her current job selling for Avon sucks, and she gets into the truck to meet the gents. They invite her to take part in amateur porn and she giggles reluctantly, "What do I have to do?" I laugh, and cover my face. Why are the dumb ones so pretty? Either way, she agrees for some coin and the host begins to smack her butt and admire her cherry bottom, and proceeds to eat out her pussy as she laughs slightly embarrassed. He sucks on her tits and fondles her clit softly and fingers her. After undressing her and admiring her apple bottom again, he leans down to eat her out again, and he takes off his clothes, which prompts Meaghan to lean down and suck his cock in spite of being unaware what porno entailed at the outset. Ooh, coy. He leans her over to admire her ass again and goes to down fucking her from behind as she moans and clutches the moving vehicle. He lays back and she mounts him to take it in her pussy riding him softly and then pounds him as cars are seen scoping them out causing a fifty car pile up on the freeway. I kid, but wouldn't that be cool? After fucking him, she shakes her tail feather and turns to fucking him with her legs spread for us. He then lays her back on the floor to fuck her pussy, and turns her to the side to fuck her ass. After some heavy pumping, she leans down and takes his shots to her face with a shit eating grin. One of the only good segments of the bunch, to be honest.

Ho Two: Lexi

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Lexi looks a lot like an actual girl that would walk around my neighborhood. She's not too plain, not too sexy, just okay looking. She has nipple rings, lip rings, tattoos and hair streaks and bitches that she can't find a job. Um... yeah, she has the intelligence of a Bronx girl, too. After only a small bout of insistence, Lexi gets into the truck and doesn't mind chatting with a cushion and the floor covered in white sheets. Either they're slaughtering her or fucking her. Anyway, convincing her to make extra money, they get her to fuck, and she agrees. She takes all of her clothes off to show the goods, and lets herself get fondled and ogled, smiling the whole time. She gets on the cushion after taking off her panties and her assigned mate goes down on her pierced pussy as she takes it with a moan and a groan. After some giggling and finger work from Lexi, she is convinced to get on all fours and he begins to fuck her from behind as she cries out, and the director gets a good view of his balls which look like a condom wrapped set of prunes. Gross. Getting in to it, he mounts her from behind and dominates her, pulling her hair, and slamming her down while we get a good view of the cars in back of them. He gets down on the cushion and she begins to ride his cock rapidly as he gets a face full of her tits. He sets her on her side and begins to fuck her pussy as she laughs and fingers herself, which then meanders into full on anal, which she takes with pants. She gets down on her back, the two goof around paying notice to the cars beside them noticing the funky fucking, and he gets down on her fucking her ass. Finally, he stops the fucking and squirts on her face.

Ho Three: Paige
Oh man, you know I don't like to be mean. I'm frank, I'm very outspoken, and if you ask me what I think, be prepared to hear my mouth, but... oh man there's just no way to work around this. I don't usually apologize for giving an opinion but... man Paige is fugly. In fact Paige is only one in many plain, rather unappealing women. While I like to think that this movie is basing itself on reality, I can't believe they chose women who are beyond unappealing. Case in point, Paige who is over made up, looks to be well into her sixties, and has a very weird body. Her legs are very thin and freckled, her face is just unusual and... you know I'm not trying to be mean, but dear god. In either case, they're enamored with her as she stands outside her work place and invite her inside to cool off. Paige is hesitant from the output, and for some reason, they persist, and she agrees. Her mate sits next to her like a lump flirting with her and making small talk until they finally begin to fuck. She pulls down her tube top revealing her tits, and he begins to kiss her, rubbing her clit from outside her panties, and she lays back with both legs spread, taking the fondling. He leans down to eat her pussy out with the slowest of motions, and her fingers her pussy for a while as she writhes and fondles herself. They get into a 69 position with he eating her ass while she laps on his cock, and he begins to fuck her ass, pounding her from behind as she moans and shivers. He lays back as she sucks on his cock rapidly, and mounts him to ride his cock with both of her legs spread to the sides. He fucks her from the side and then dominates her fucking her ass with both legs down to her chest. Finally, he stands over her to squirt on her face, and I thank Allah that it's finally over.

Hoes Four, Five: Sasha, Zoe
This segment would be very hot. It would be very sexy. If these broads would shut the hell up for a few minutes to fuck. Yeah, that's what I want in a porno, to hear two women rattle on incessantly, fuck for a small amount of time, and then continue talking like they get no love at home. I mean I know this is supposed to be Reality Porn, but don't make it too mired in non-fiction. This time they're picking up their hoes from two separate locations, and Sasha discusses with much self-gratification about her role in her latest video. She talks non-stop about her career, her role, her character, and chats back and forth with the camera man. Zoe finally enters with short shorts, and crawls into the back of the truck greeting Sasha. They talk... more! They talk about Sasha's career, Zoe talks about her career, they discuss why they like boys, and they won't shut up. The finally begin to flirt and get down to business, undressing, kissing, and laugh like jackals as the car wobbles back and forth. Oh no, you almost fell! Get to the fucking, please. They finally begin to make out passionately, and Zoe goes down on Sasha eating her pussy and dominating her as she laughs and talks about how great it feels. They reverse positions and Zoe, an admitted lesbian, enjoys the eating more than Sasha actually does, moaning and crying out. Sasha takes a strap on and begins to fuck Zoe hard and fast, dominating her and pounding her pussy hard as she groans and grunts. After some brief fucking, they begin to joke around and moon people on the highway. Man what a sucky segment.

Ho Six: Roxy
They find Roxy at a local mall and discover that she's having difficulty finding a local casino and they're more than willing to oblige her and take her to the casino explaining that they're working for a modeling agency. All modeling agencies work in the back of a truck. Either way, Jason charms her and insists on their mission when Roxy admits that she wants fast cast. After some brief discussion, they begin to kiss and he tears her top off revealing her large tits. Roxy is okay looking, not very sexy, but she looks generally good looking, and she's charismatic enough to warrant sitting through this. After taking her clothes off, Jason leans down to eat her pussy out as she watches with gaping mouth, and he fingers her pussy slowly, and kisses her. Jason takes his clothes off, and Roxy goes down on him, licking and sucking him off as he lays back wobbling with the car. She mounts him and rides his cock slowly and then rapidly as things heat up. She lays back and he turns her on her stomach and begins to pound her asshole with zeal, he lays her on her back and begins fucking her pussy while sucking on her sweet tits, and hammers her while she holds her breasts crying out. He sits back and she mounts him fucking him slowly and then turns to ride him from behind. He lays her on her stomach and pounds her ass finally cumming between her cheeks.

Ho Seven: Alicia Avery
They're riding around with Antoine and they're frustrated that they can't find a hottie. As luck would have it, they ride down the side of a condo where Alicia is standing around posing and greets them with a smile. She's also annoyed she can't find a job, in spite of her "skanky" apparel. She and Antoine discuss her history with Erotic Dancing (i.e. Stripping), and Alicia can't wrap her mind around these guys finding women in their truck. But she gladly obliges Antoine, stripping for him, and making out with him a bit. They begin to fondle one another and she leans over to show off her grade A rump, as he squeezes anxiously, and fiddles with her pussy. He sets her down on her back, spreads her, and licks at her pussy rapidly. He lays back and she makes out with him showing her ass to the camera, and sucks him off deep throating him. After a long blow job session, she lays back, spreads it, and he begins to fuck her, planting her legs back and slamming her hard. He bends her over on the cushion and fucks her from behind as she groans and cries out, and Antoine for some reason fucks her slowly for a long time, until finally pounding her hard and pulling her hair. He lays her on her back and fucks her pussy with her back arch into the seats, and he finishes her off by squirting all over her tits and chest.

I don't know what the hell happened to the transfer but the picture is ridiculous. I watched this on my television and my computer (for screen shots) and on both sessions it had a sort of reverse wide screen where the tops were in tact, but the sides were all black bars making the center picture look squeezed together and smushed. It's awfully stupid to watch a porno like this, and beyond that there's nothing eye catching here. Everything is dull colors, dull set pieces, and dull direction. The sound is great though with every bit of dialogue coming in exactamundo, but it doesn't matter too much since the fucking essentially sucks.

Okay, so upon studying the DVD packaging, here's what the back said: "Features: Behind the Scenes, Slideshow, Motion Menus, and Trailers!" And some questions arise. Why are motion menus still considered features? And where is the Behind the Scenes feature and the trailers? Popping the DVD in there are only two features. There is the five minute Slideshow Gallery which is really just a montage of screenshots from the movie, and a picture of the URL to the website. Are those features? No. Why would they advertise features not on the DVD? Who knows? Either way, I'm compelled to say that this DVD has NO features.

After Thought:
The women here are severely lacking in sexual appeal, charisma and any sort of realistic mannerism, the setting sucks, the scenarios are stupid, there are zero extras, and the transfer is awkward and ugly, and the only redeeming feature is the sound. This is a terrible porno, and I highly suggest you Skip It in favor of something much more worth your time. Skip it. Skip it good.

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