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Barely MILF


Studio: Bad Seed » Review by Aaron Scott » Review Date: 7/16/08


XCritic's Advice: Watch On Demand

Kittens, Cougars, and MILFs - oh my!  When Mariah Milano submits lurid tales of her girlfriend's activities to "Barely MILFs" you are sure to be in for some erotic bliss.  But does reality live up to the fantasy?  Please note that the scene titles were created by the reviewer in an effort to avoid numbering the scenes.

"Six-string sex"

Mariah (who has some fantasticly large nipples ) starts us off with her tale of going to a concert with some friends, and bringing the guitarist home for some "studio" time.  After some foyer foreplay, the action moves to the den - where she proceeds to straddle her man.  Mariah seems to be enjoying it as she rubs herself as he pounds away, then sucks him some more before he takes her doggie style.  This all leads to a massive facial that she has no problem taking.

"F is for Facial"

-- sponsored by --

Poor Sienna West.  One of her six childrem is in danger of failing Elementary School, and his teacher knows just the way for him mom to help him pass.  A little oral kicks things off, and soon the teacher is taking her from behind before rolling back and having her continue from on top.  Things really heat up when he stands up and hold her off the ground as they continue to go at it.  The pair return to the couch for a little more fun before he completes his schoolwork on her face.  Looks like little Bobby is getting an "A" for sure.

"Two balls, no strikes"

When Johnny misses baseball practice (again), the coach decides to make a house call.  Being the supportive mother that she is, Nikki Fairchild decides to make it up to him by fucking his brains out.  After some mutual oral foreplay, Nikki climbs on top of him and rides hard before cleaning him off with her mouth and changing positions.  She continues to suck him in between position changes, as he takes charge and hits a home run into her open mouth.

"Fuck or Foreclosure"

When the banker comes calling, Holly West needs a way to catch up on her late house payments.  Fortunately, the banker knows just the way, and Holly is more than willing to write him a check - for pussy.  She sucks, rides, sucks, and rides some more (a pattern previous scenes also had) in an effort to save her home.  The banker flips her around and gives it to her good before making a depost of his own - at the bank of her face.  Is it enough to save her house?  Does anyone really care?

"When the cats away"

Closing out the disc is Lichelle (mistakenly listed a Lachelle in the credits and cover, but corrected on her website) who finds herself alone with her husband's golfing buddy.  The problem is that her husband and children are away.  Whatever will she do?  Oh yeah - she'll fuck him!  After the standard routine of oral, riding, sucking, riding (where have I seen THAT before?) and him behind/on top, the buddy explodes on her face (just as the phone rings and her husband announces he is pulling into the driveway).  Imagine his surprise when he hears her tell the friend to put his pants on - WHILE SHE IS STILL ON THE PHONE!

* * *

While watching this disc, the first thing that struck me was how little these ladies actually looked like MILFs.  After looking up their bios, I found that my suspicions were confirmed.  Mariah is 29, Sienna is 31, Nikki is 30, and Lichelle is 27 (Holly's birthday was unable to be located).  To me, these girls were too young to be considered true Cougars.  Also, the repetition of positions got a little stale after a couple scenes.  Perhaps it could have been edited to have a different order to the action.  Instead, every scene looked exactly the same, just with a different girl/guy pair.  Don't get me wrong, the women are mostly hot (sorry Lichelle - you have a nice body, but I got a Sarah Jessica Parker-vibe from ya) and some of the action is erotic, but seeing the girls do exactly the same thing in every scene got old quickly.  Now for the details ...

VIDEO: Though the box claims that this was shot in HD, I didn't find the image quality to be anything special.  While better than a standard DVD, it was no where near my previously reviewed "shot on HD" feature, "Incumming 14."

SOUND: Here is where the release loses major points.  Sure, the music is loud, and the moans of the performers are clear.  But the dialogue is so low - I had to turn my audio up full blast in order to hear what the narrator was saying as she intro'd each scene.  Then the music would kick in and I'd have to scramble to lower the volume.

SPECIAL FEATURES: What this disc lost in sound quality, it makes up for in extras.  First up is a 51-minute "Behind the Scenes" video that lets us watch as the girls get their photos taken, review the script, and talk to (and get fondled by) the cameraman.  For those interested, there are some nice candid moments that many don't get to see.   

Next up is a bonus scene taken from "Bubble Gum Cuties."  In this 25-minute scene, we watch Veronique Vega as she (are you ready for it?) follows the same routine as we saw in the main scenes of the disc.  A sexy girl, but the scene would have been better with a little deviation from what we spend the other hour watching.

After 9 minutes of sex ads - ranging from phone lines to herbal aids - we get a nice 5-minute photo gallery.   This is followed up with trailers for "Bubble Gum Cuties," "My Black Ass Space.Com," "My First White Chick," "The Mother Load," and "White Girls Gone Black."

Rounding out the extras is a static graphic for BadSeed.com.

IN CLOSING: While the sex is hot, and most of the girls are attractive (though far from being "cougar" age) , the lack of differences in the scenes made this disc nothing special.  The audio issues don't help, and even though there are ample extras, it still doesn't elevate this disc above  RENT IT.

 



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