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Boys of Badlands

Studio: Metro » Review by Omniphiliac » Review Date: 3/13/09

XCritic's Advice: Recommended

Production Date: 04/10/2008
Running Time: 104 min.
Director: Roman Pornanski (!!!)
Cast: Lukas S., Radek, Lukas I., Miroslav, Martin, Roman, Karel, Michael and Jan.
Condoms: Yes.
Body Types: Mostly twink Russian and Eastern European men. A few muscle-bound bodies here and there.

The Movie: Boys of Badlands is a collection of the hottest boys from Badlands Productions all in one title. With no plot, the scenes jump around from one fuckfest to another. While I'm not the biggest fan of twinks, some of these slender boys definitely did the trick for me. Their smooth skin juxtaposed against the rustic woodsy backgrounds, and their muscular counterparts filled in my desire for some extra flesh. Overall I was not very impressed with the title but there were moments that left my jaw fully balanced on the floor, I must admit. Adding more bang for your buck, most scenes portrayed threesomes of hot men taking advantage of each other in the woods and in their bedrooms. However, the hottest scene of all was the two man scene at the very end.

Scene One:
Opens with a great montage of rimming, sucking, fucking and kissing set to a the classical version of the Tetris song (no, I'm not kidding). I'll admit, it made me giggle and feel a bit tingly. So far so good. Since the video has no English subtitles and the actors speak in Russian (I'm only guessing) I'll have to resort to ridiculous names based on physical characteristics. Blondie approaches the twinky brunette for a little fun in the nearby torn-down castle. As they stroke each other off Mr. Frosted Tips stands triumphantly above them from the second story and jerks off. When they notice Mr. Frosted Tips he rewards them by turning around, bending over, tucking his cock between his legs and wagging it in their general direction. He then finally comes down and they begin to suck and stroke each others meaty cocks. If you're a fan of twinks then you'll be all over this skinny feast. The twink factor bothered me a little bit, to be honest. I'd rather see varying sizes in my porn. Blondie and the brunette twink who awkwardly looks in to the camera too much start to 69 in the fields as Mr. Frosted Tips with a huge necklace caresses and rims them one by one. In a sort of moebius strip of fucktitude they continue to rim and finger each other. For gods sake, will someone tell them to take off their rings?! They are not Caligula. Mr. Frosted Tips bends over both men, fucking them each with a vibrator to open them up, and then takes turns sliding himself inside them. Laying on his side, the brunette twink gets fucked by Mr. Frosty and sucked off by Blondie. In one of the hottest parts, Blondie becomes the meat of a fuck sandwich, getting fucked by Mr. Frosty as he pounds the brunette twink. Finally, Blondie and the Brunette Twink kneel next to Mr. Frosty as they all jerk off until Mr. Frosty cums on the chests of the other two.

Scene Two:

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Without any set up, three dark haired men begin to fondle and caress one another. With the most muscular of the three sitting down on a lawn chair, the other two focus on each side of his body. One rubs his clothed chest and legs while the other rubs his back and kisses him gently. If this muscle-bound man in the middle wasn't hot enough, he sports a scar down his cheek. So reckless. The skinnier of the three takes Mr. Muscle in his mouth and bobs up and down as the man from behind kisses Mr. Muscle up and down his neck. Skinny Mr. Twinky then does an awkward strip tease for the other two, mechanically swaying his hips side to side and exhibiting his indecisiveness as to wear to rub himself. Finally, he goes for rubbing his cock. Mr. Twinky and Mr. Muscle stand a foot away as they both stroke themselves and stare at each other. Not being able to handle himself, Mr. Muscle gets on his knees and takes turns orally servicing Mr. Twinky with the Man who Wears Too Much Gold. After a little oral delight, Mr. Muscle gets on his hands and knees to be rimmed by the twink and to suck off the gold lover. Gold Lover then bends over, causing a rim-train to take place, all aboard!! Twinky and Scarface jump into a 69 as Gold Lover sits off to the side rubbing them and himself. Without word or instruction Scarface and Twinky get on their hands and knees and Gold Lover slides a finger inside them at the same time. Again with the rings! To make things a little more safe and a lot less bejeweled, Gold Lover pulls out two dildos and fucks them both as they grunt and groan to their delight. After easing them up, Gold Lover slides himself into Twinky while Twinky sucks off Scarfaces impressive cock. Twinky lays on his back and spreads his legs wide open, jerking himself off as Scarface dives his cock deep inside him. Of course, being the trooper he is, Twinky takes Gold Lovers cock in his mouth and sucks away. Twinky gets fucked until he strokes himself off to completion. Scarface, not being a 24 hour top, lays on his side and gets fucked by Gold Lover while he sucks off Twinky until all three men cum on each other. In general this scene is pretty hot, if only because there's not as many twinks as the first scene. But also because all parties involved seemed to actually enjoy themselves.

Scene Three:
Parted-hair Man walks into a cafe to meet Tussled-Hair Man, after a bit of talking they slowly begin to hold each others hands. From hand-holding, they lean in for some delicious kissing and next thing you know Parted-Hair Man is throat deep on Mr. Tussles cock. As he's sucking him off another man walks in and decides he doesn't want to be left out on the fun. Quickly pulling down his pants he has the Parted-Hair Man (I know, I need better names) take his cock in his mouth. Soon enough the delightful Russian men all undress and Mr. Parted sucks off while the Third Man ever so gently licks Mr. Parteds asshole. The Third Man and Tussles switch places, making sure every man receives a little pleasure here and there. In an incredibly close up shot, Mr. Parted is fingered by both Tussles and the Third Man whilst they all groan in unison for two straight minutes. I have to admit, this was a little off putting, their rhythmic and unaffected "uuuhhh....uuuhhh....uhhh..." just seemed like it was something for them to do to pass the time. This part of the scnee alone makes me want to give this title a skip it rating, but I'll give it more chance. Out comes the gold vibrator and Mr. Parted gets fucked by it as he sucks off the Third Man., however, they all continue with the apathetic rhythmic moaning. This bizarre cultish chanting lasts for 18 minutes total. Yes, I kept track. Please, just stop it already. However, as payoff there is a pretty delicious portion of the scene where there's a closeup of Tussles sucking off Mr. Parted in a delicate but insatiable way. Mr. Parted then sits on top of Tussles cock and bounces up and down as Tussles sucks off The Third Man. As a grand finale Mr. Parted assumes his usual position and gets in the middle as he sucks of Tussles and gets pounded by The Third Man, until both men explode all over Mr. Parted.

Scene Four:
Two men walk hand in hand through the woods, after putting down a blanket on a tree stump they immediately begin to make out and fondle each other with quite passion. Thank you. As they rub their hands all over one another they whisper into each others ears. The Bulky one then dives down on the skinny boys cock, taking him all in his mouth. This unfortunately lasts for all of 30 seconds when Bulky stands up and does an overexaggerated strip tease while Skinny jerks off and watches. After fully derobing Bulky sits down on the stump and gets his turn for Skinny to suck him off. Skinny really shows his skills on Bulky's cock as he bobs up and down and strokes his shaft. To continue the fabulous rimming feature of this video, Skinny bends over the stump and lets Bulky tongue his asshole like it's going out of style. Throughout this scene there's a pretty subtle and hot dominant and submissive aspect that plays out really well. Bulky smacks Skinny's ass a few times, then slides a big lubed up dildo inside of him and fucks him silly. After a little wholesome fun with the dildo the two 69 each other, licking and sucking each other off. Getting on all fours, Skinny receives Bulkys impressive cock and gets pounded hard. From the first minute of this scene I could tell this is the best of the video. Despite my usual inkling towards group scenes, these two show a level of passion and exuberance that the other scenes missed out on.


- Photogallery of a collection of stills from the filming of Boys of Badlands
- Trailers: For a gonzo poolside video called "Humidity", a late 90's video "While The Cat's Away!", bedside gonzo video "Inside Men #2", "Intimate Moments with Jeff & Brian."
- Phone sex commercials. I forgot how silly transition shots can be on low-fi editing software!
- Super hokey sci-fi commercial for a porn website. Imagine Logans Run as a porn commercial.

Audio/Visual: Filmed in Standard Definition with the usual ratio aspect, Boys of Badlands obviously showed off a professional quality with it's lighting. There were no obstructive shadows, no scenes were overexposed or too dark and they obviously used natural lighting to their advantage. The sound was a bit low during the outdoor scenes, however they only spoke in what I assume was Russian and there really was no plot, so understanding the dialogue was not very crucial.

Final Thoughts: Despite the bizarro cultish chanting of groans in Scene Three coupled with the overabundance of twinks (what do you expect, it's essentially twink porn) this title was pretty hot. While not all actors seemed too passionate about their scenes, there were other portions, mainly scene two and four, that made up for it. If it weren't for the few muscular men throughout the scenes I would have yawned through most of this video, but thankfully there were men like Scarface and Bulky to tide me over. Furthermore, I'm an A/V snob, if there's a slight deviation from basic lighting and sound techniques I scoff aloud and want to burn the DVD to a molten puddle. Thankfully, this DVD was not amateur hour on the technical side. I did give a little bit of leniance to the outdoor scenes lacking proper sound, but during those moments I couldn't care less what the men were saying to each other. Also, if someone can hook me up with Tussles phone number I would greatly appreciate it! All in all, I give this title a Recommended rating.

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