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Puckered Up

Studio: Hustler Video » Review by Crazy Slutty » Review Date: 1/11/10

XCritic's Advice: Skip It

Genre: Anal (supposedly!)

Director: Richard de Montfort

Length: 153 horribly dull minutes

Special features: You can choose scenes from the DVD by star. Other special features include ads for phone sex, ads for other movies, ads for Hustler Hollywood, and ads for the Hustler web site. The disk repeatedly froze when trying to choose the behind the scenes and slide show features.

NOTE: Not only would the slide show and behind the scenes not play in a DVD player, but the ENTIRE DISC would not play and was not readable in my DVD-rom drive. As such, I'm sadly not able to provide you with any screecaps.

As a concept, I thought this would be hilarious fun, with sexy good times mixed in.
Alas, no.

Amber Rayne and Maxi

As the credits roll, we are introduced to each participants' assholes, in various stages of shaved-ness. Here is where I re-discovered that stubble is, in fact, not hot.
The movie opens with a game show set, and an announcer introduces the first two contestants, Maxi and Amber Rayne.
An introduction is all we get, as the two instantly start grabbing dildos out of a bowl and stuffing them up their own asses. Clearly they're competing with each other, despite no rules having been established.
Each girl seems to gain points based on how many times she goes ass to mouth, and Amber Rayne emerges as a clear leader early on. Maxi, on the other hand, seems to have a lot of trouble from the get-go. She doesn't manage to do much with her chosen dildos and never actually gets the second butt plug in.
She's also never apparently met a razor, so if you're not a fan of hairy chicks, you're going to find yourself cringing a bit at the spider legs sticking out of her snatch.
Amber Rayne ends up winning after going ass to mouth six times with various dildos, including one shaped like a hand. No, it's not a fist dong. It's a hand. And it looks pretty gross, to be honest. Maxi then fucks Amber with the hand dildo and they both suck on it.
I thought this was Amber's prize, but no! In the next scene she's seated on a couch wearing a hood (why?) and waiting for her prize, which turns out to be... an ass fucking, from a man who's wearing something like black bowling shoes from the 1970s... which he wears for the whole scene.
Amber gets points for enthusiasm, and she's a hell of a cocksucker. She sucks so hard her fake eyelashes pop off. Yes, that really happened.
But for an anal video, she sucks his cock for a long, long, LONG time. And then she does it some more in a 69 position. Then FINALLY we get to the anal, and she's quite the champ at that. She does more ass to mouth as well, and the cumshot ends up being weak.
The only thing I can really ding her for is talking. There's nothing like some good dirty talk, and that was NOTHING LIKE good dirty talk.

Michelle Avanti
Next up we have Michelle Avanti, who is back on the game show set, where she needs to pick between door number one, and door number two. Of course she picks number two (ha! ha!) and finds out what she DIDN'T win... "an angry lubed up lesbian."
Yes, I'm serious.
But what she DID win was a big black cock!

-- sponsored by --

Michelle then manages to horribly act her way over to sucking on it, where we get a much better look at said cock. And oh my. It's not really fair to call it a big black cock. It's more like a cock that swallowed a Coke can. And was then stepped on.
I just don't know how to exactly describe it. It's wide and somewhat malformed, and when it's completely hard it seems to point down and sideways all at once. Michelle does her best, god bless her, and tries gamely to stuff a giant butt plug up her ass while sucking on this black behemoth. She fails for the most part, and I start to cringe, wondering just how in the hell she's going to manage this.
She then tries to suck on the butt plug and the cock at the same time, probably because she's not very bright. This is then followed by... regular sex.
And more regular sex.
And MORE regular sex, to the point that I felt I should tap them on the shoulders and remind them that they are, in fact, working on an ANAL movie here.
So finally Michelle lubes up the monstrous cock, and I am cringing, and she gets it into her ass. And HERE, the camera goes to Michelle's face. Michelle's face says, "FUCK OW," which is what she SHOULD be saying, because MY GOD, but then she realizes the camera is on her, and smiles prettily.
Anyway, so he fucks her ass. Kind of. It's more like gyrating in place, because there's no way that thing can get inside her. Except that it eventually DOES get in there further, and so...OK. Props to Michelle. She does do some ass to mouth, and the cum shot... was that even a cum shot?

Missy Stone
Next up we have Ron and his wife (Missy Stone) on "Hogtie my Wife, Please," which is apparently another game show on a completely different set? He then lays her on some hay bales and throws rope haphazardly around her arms and legs. This somehow means he won. Wait, it means his WIFE won. And then a hunky gay man shows up and starts licking her clit. What a great prize!
Hunky gay man continues with the licking her ass while squeezing himself with his eyes closed so he can think about his boyfriend. He does have a pretty big cock, which is unusual for a guy on steroids. She's also doing the blowjob-that's-really-a-handjob thing.
Missy does look pretty hot while getting banged, and she's nicely shaved. Except... again, it's regular sex. And then she starts yelling, which is a little alarming. Then! He licks her ass, and then... goes back into her pussy. There seems to be rampant amnesia about the proper hole, but then again, this guy is probably used to only having one to contend with.
So then Missy finally starts sticking a fairly large vibrating butt plug in there. The gay man pets her while she does this, as this is clearly his favorite part. And we're waiting, and we're waiting, and it's still not in there. BORING.
And finally! She gets his cock in her ass. Her talking kind of sucks too, sorry to say. But she does pretty well, even if it did take her 359234 years to get there. That's really not her fault, though... hey, filmmakers? It's called EDITING.
She does go ass to mouth, and we get the best cumshot thus far, even with the camera angle blocking half of it.
Her "husband" then comes back to tell her that she's got to go because "the kids are waitin'", and seems completely undisturbed by what's transpired. I don't even know what to say.

Trinity Post
Next we have Trinity Post, blindfolded back on the original game show set, where she is to guess the nationality of the penis in her mouth from three lucky gentlemen. So three guys walk in, apparently fresh off the street, and I'm positive this is going to be the best one so far.
She starts sucking on the first guy's cock, and she is clearly not all that good at the cocksucking. As a bonus, creepy Asian guy with boxers from 1993 is fondling her and himself off to the side.
Trinity is a MAJOR offender in the blowjob-that's-really-a-handjob category. While sucking on the second guy, she says, "Hmm, I don't think I'm as good at this as I thought." Oh, I agree. I agree so much, Trinity.
And of course there's no anal.
Anyway, Trinity fails at her task, but her consolation prize is... ass fucking from one of the guys! The other two just sort of vanish with blue balls, I suppose.
So of course they jump right into... oh, more oral sex. And then some regular sex! And some more regular sex. Finally we get to anal, and some ass to mouth. She does just fine, which makes me wonder why in the hell they had her sucking cocks for like 20 minutes when she's so bad at it. The cumshot has one good spurt and that's it, and I could do without Trinity's really horrendous "I want you to cum" face.
In the only truly funny moment, the Asian guy pops out at the very end and says, "Trinity?" from one of the set curtains.

Daisy Strong and Sasha Grey
Next we have Daisy Strong and Sasha Grey sitting on a couch watching video of Amber Rayne's previous scene. Daisy confides to Sasha Grey that she's never been on TV, never been with a girl, and has never done anal. And everyone believes her. Daisy then closes her eyes and dreams the following scene. LOL.
Sasha starts masturbating, and then she attacks Daisy, who pretends to be really innocent. Sasha is somewhat shaved with a ton of stubble and then demands that Daisy play with her fucking cunt. Sasha then tells Daisy to suck her pussy lips. Which... is not something you would normally suck on when trying to get someone off, but who am I to judge? Daisy also has a ton of stubble. What the hell?
Sasha then fucks Daisy's mouth with a bright pink dildo, and Daisy proves she's not much good at that. The domme aspect of Sasha's behavior is quite nice and I'd like to see more of that, but that's about the best thing you can say for this scene... which, is a lesbian dildo sucking scene in an ANAL MOVIE.
I'm assuming they'll eventually do some anal. They have to! Right? Sasha keeps trying to get the dildo into Daisy's pussy, and it keeps shooting out. Hilarity ensues. Daisy licks the dildo for a while, and it's back to close ups of her incredibly stubbly pussy. Then Sasha fucks herself with a dildo (STILL not in the ass), but Sasha gets points for taking charge of the situation.
Then FINALLY we get a dildo in Sasha's ass, and she ASKS to suck on it. Nice. Daisy sucks on it as well, and then Sasha uses a teeny little vibrator in Daisy's ass, and then Daisy "wakes up" and they go out to their scene. And... it's over, and I'm so glad that it is.

The good - Amber Rayne's cocksucking and anal, Sasha Grey being dominant.
The bad - Ambery Rayne's talking, hairy buttholes, stubble, lack of anal and EVERYTHING else

FINAL GRADE: D. If you love anal, pick pretty much anything else.

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