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Hustler's Untrue Hollywood Stories: Jessica Simpson (Blu-ray)

Studio: Hustler Video » Review by Don Houston » Review Date: 1/12/10

XCritic's Advice: Watch It Online

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Hustler's Untrue Hollywood Stories: Jessica Simpson (Blu-ray)

Hustler Video

Genre: Celebrity Parody

Director: Stuart Canterbury

Cast: Jessica Lynn, Johnny Castle, Gracie Glam, Scott Styles, Kiera King, Joey Brass, Melissa Jacobs, Rachel Roxxx, Rocco Reed

Length: 116:11 minutes

Date of Production: 2009

Extras: There was a 8:34 minute long Behind the Scenes feature (I think the Blu-ray version might have been slightly longer) introducing the characters, some trailers, some spam that can be skipped, and a photogallery. The BTS was mostly a series of interviews with the performers getting ready to work, on the weak end of the scale given how limited they were.

Condoms: None

Jessica Lynn and Johnny Castle

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Audio/Video Quality: Hustler's Untrue Hollywood Stories: Jessica Simpson was presented in a fetching 1.78:1 widescreen color by director Stuart Canterbury for Hustler Video using the AVC codec; a standard on Blu-Ray discs; the standard definition version in MPEG-2 with the usual 480p resolution compared to the 1080i resolution of the high definition version, partially made up for by the SD's anamorphic nature). My knowledge of the SD version of the title allows me to compare the two; it lacked the better resolution and purity of fleshtones this version had, the bitrate often hovering around 20.9 Mbps area compared to less than a fourth of that in the SD version which seemed to hover around the 4.2 Mbps mark. The use of video bothers some folks but it suited the nature of the show far more than film would have and the contrasts were all enhanced by the high definition approach. There were no obvious compression artifacts, no grain to speak of, and I saw no macro-blocking or other issues that pop up; thanks in no small part to the proper lighting applied here in most cases (the editing by Scarlet Begonia was not bad at all too). The summation of the visuals is that they made the show look better than ever, my sole complaint being that the composition of the camera angles and editing, while respectable, did not seem to be the best way to enhance the looks of some of the ladies and/or make them look more like the roles they were playing. The audio was presented in a 2.0 Dolby Digital stereo English using a 224 Kbps bitrate at 48 kHz in both versions. The vocals on the scenes were flat and even in most cases, the voice-overs sounding somewhat warmer in tone and always easier to hear, and the minimal music seemed to come from the stock library used for years by the series. In terms of upgrades then, the visuals got the largest boost by a wide margin with the aural capabilities once again cleaned up but only slightly.

Gracie Glam and Scott Styles

Body of Review: Stuart Canterbury has been making features and parodies for decades now, his latest works being for Hustler Video. While I have often found them lacking on one or more levels, I can respect that he's been in the game for a lengthy time, occasionally striking gold so given Hustler's rush to dominate the sitcum parody market by any means possible (such as distributing the best of the lot), I was willing to chance a second look at celebrity parodies with Hustler's Untrue Hollywood Stories: Jessica Simpson (Blu-ray). This time, Stuart took aim at the popular singer by way of the gossip rags, using some disproven speculation to make fun of the gal. Like her or not, the real Jessica is a major hotty and generally considered a nice person so unlike the better parodies of late that pay homage to their targets, this was a bit mean-spirited. The cover described the show's five scenes like this: "Don't let her blonde hair and simple mind fool you. Jessica is a stone cold Hottie who loves to do nasty things! Watch her avoid the paparazzi, explore her lesbian side and give a classic yet candid interview with ex-hubby Nick! See how her current EX preps for a game while her wacky family grabs some limelight of their own." Here's a brief look at the scenes by cast and action, noting that no condoms were used for those still interested:

Kiera King

Scene One: Jessica Lynn, the blond featured in this production as "Jessica Simpson", was up first in a motel room with studly Johnny Castle as Nick Lachey after she rubbed one out to some porn magazines. She was wearing a pink & black bikini while lying on a bed full of Hustler magazines, diddling herself before they hooked up with some uninspired dialogue that led to him eating her out. He treated her snatch as though it was a means to an end, mechanically going down on her until she rewarded him with a fair hummer, all the talk about anal sex meaningless given how the positions all involved pussy only. She was bored looking most of the time and while she did actively ride a little, the scene was on the weaker side of her established dynamic. The ending wad of genetic juice landed on her crotch when he jerked it out, their limited chemistry together weakening the scene further.

Melissa Jacobs and Jessica Lynn

Scene Two: Gracie Glam, a busty brunette seeking a role in a music video, was up next as she serviced Scott "Joe Simpson" Styles, showing how much she wanted the part in question. For such an old guy, he was quite cut and for so young a gal, she sucked him off like a champion, their respective roles suitable for the listed dynamic. Her dress came off as she dropped to her knees, her knob slobbing ways enhanced with some hand to gland action and well suited to boning her pussy in the ensuing doggy. She let him do most of the work but even without any chemistry, it was a decent round of penetration, the gal getting into it during the cowgirl variations more than missionary. The scene ended with a facial he rubbed out as his population pudding graced her face, neck, and open mouth.

Rachel Roxxx and Rocco Reed

Scene Three: Kiera King, playing the sister (Ashlee Simpson) and all around bitch, was up next with fanboy Joey Brass in a diner. He got in her way and she put him down, his foot kissing turning into a chance for her to suck him off in the booth while he fingered her. She provided an enthusiastic hummer to say the least, the cute gal impaling herself on his pecker vaginally in several positions. She then took matters into her own hands by rubbing out his load of spew to her face, the ending comedic dialogue in the parking lot kind of cute too.

Scene Four: Jessica Lynn, dressed up like she was on the front cover in her cowgirl attire (from the Dukes of Hazzard motif), was up next on the bar top with similarly dressed Melissa Jacobs, the ladies baring it all as encouraged by the noisy crowd (that we never see as viewers). Jessica had more curves and was the main draw but Melissa was appealing too, their level of seductiveness decent enough. They kissed and straddled each other in a 69 position, using hands only in place of toys, ending with some mutual masturbation on barstools (where Melissa's rash looked really bad).

Scene Five: Rachel Roxxx, playing a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, was up last as she took on Rocco Reed in the locker room, the guy portraying Tony Romo. She gave him a cheer and he sent the interviewers away, the lady all over him as she slobbed his knob tenderly. She sucked his balls while jerking him off and worked the shaft with expert precision, leading to several positions of active vaginal riding (only a touch of taste testing though). The penetrative sex ended in a titty pop too, the sweaty couple having enjoyed the scene at least a little bit together.

Summary: Hustler's Untrue Hollywood Stories: Jessica Simpson (Blu-ray) by director Stuart Canterbury for Hustler Video was another generic offering in the celebrity gossip series so I rated it as a Rent It, the best use for the show being to serve the fans of the cast such as Jessica Lynn or Rachel Roxxx more than fans of the pop singer or her antics. In short then, Hustler's Untrue Hollywood Stories: Jessica Simpson proved that Hustler's strongest parodies done in house are those that pay tribute to the targets they focus on rather than make look stupid or lame, the delicate balance between the dynamics such that I hope they stick to the sitcum craze more than this unless they take better care of the writing. In terms of the Blu-ray upgrade, the picture did look better but shooting with a single camera limited what could be done and the final product, even the middle of the road editing not helping a whole lot this time.

You can email me with questions at Houstondon @ hotmail.com if you have any constructive criticism of the review too. :) Also you can follow me on twitter @HoustonDon

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