This week I tested out the Teneo SmartBalls, which are designed to help strengthen your pelvic floor muscles, which allow you to clench on to a cock during sex. Those same muscles keep you from peeing on your partner during particularly good orgasms, although that can be fun too.
By the way, don't get me started on the peeing vs. squirting debate. Some girls legitimately squirt (me), and some girls are giant fakers who pee all over the place. Take that, fakers!
My boyfriend told me these are also used for anal play, but I think he was just telling me that so I would stick them up my ass (which I did anyway).
Anyway! I had two different SmartBall packages, the Uno and the Duo.
I started off with the Uno. And ya know, I couldn't even tell it was there. Perhaps I have a loose floppy cunt from all that fucking. It's hard to say (no it's not, I'm tighter than a right-winger's sphincter). I tried walking and jumping around but I didn't feel anything.
It's a giant pink sperm! Run for the hills!
-- sponsored by --
Next I tried the Duo. The Duo was actually pretty interesting. Having both of the balls up in there, I could feel them, and the weights inside were gently tapping at my g-spot as I moved around.
Very interesting. I wonder what it would be like to leave them in with a vibe... hmm. I'd probably end up pushing them out and shooting them across the room. I cum pretty hard.
Haven't you always wanted a silicone strap hanging out of your cootch?
Anyway! I know that the point of them is to put them in and then leave them in while doing kegels. At least, I think so. The package insert wasn't too specific.
On the plus side, they're silicone, so they will stay nice and clean no matter where you put them.
After I had thoroughly tested the balls elsewhere, I put them in my ass.
Now here's where I should tell you not to do this. Yes, the SmartBalls are silicone, and yes, they will fit in your ass. But the slim silicone cord that is attached to the SmartBalls feels pretty flimsy when it's being yanked against your ass muscles. Trust me on this, and use something else for anal play.
Sadly looks way hotter than it felt.
A product like this needs some specific directions on it, not an
Ikea-esque drawing of a vag with balls inside it. Honestly.
I've never bought
anything like this, but I was definitely swayed by the bright colors,
the fact that they're silicone, and their nice packaging. Because of
this, you have to expect that you're going to get newcomers to this
particular type of toy, and thus... you need directions.
WRAP UP: Interesting to experiment with, but really not all that spectacular.
Pros - SmartBalls get a plus because they're silicone (hooray!), and because
they are rather interesting. With a little research, chicks may find
these useful in strengthening those cock-grabbin' muscles.
Cons - Don't really do all that much, and that silicone strap is so weak you're bound to have these things rolling around inside you forever if you go for anal play. And that's a trip to the doctor none of us wants.
Final Grade: C+
Or you can just display the cool Ikea vag drawing at your office.