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Self Service

Studio: Vouyer Media » Review by Dr. Jay » Review Date: 3/17/10

XCritic's Advice: Recommended

Genre: Solo Female Masturbation  
Director: Zander  
Cast:  Alexis Texas, Asa Akira (in bonus scene), Jenna Presley, Jenaveve Jolie, Kagney Linn Karter, Michelle Maylene, Monique Alexander, Phoenix Marie, Sammie Rhodes.  
Length: 03:09  
Condoms: None.  
Bonus: One bonus star for my Dr. Jay's Must See Girls: Alexis Texas, Jenna Presley, Kagney Linn Karter, and Sammie Rhodes.


Here's a case where the name of the movie says it all: Self Service. There are eight girls and they definitely service themselves. In fact, they masturbate for 20-30 minutes for us. And, they all get themselves off for us.
I really enjoy watching solo masturbation movies! I like jacking off to them so much that I can hardly wait for a new movie so I can watch another batch of girls masturbate just for me! So, when I saw a copy of Self Service turn up in my in-box, I was definitely intrigued.  
What clinched the deal--and motivated me to pop the DVD into my 24" iMac computer--is the cast. Wow! What a fucking awesome selection of girls! In fact, four of them are winners of my Must-See Girls award: Alexis TexasJenna PresleyKagney Linn Karter, and Sammie Rhodes.

Check out some photos of the girls in Self Service here. Pay particular attention to the numerous screen captures I have provided to stimulate you! Enjoy!


When I first started reviewing all-girl solo movies several years, I debated for a while about how I should write them up. After all, each of the eight scenes in Self Service is pretty much the same: the girl strips, poses, and dances; teases us, talks nasty, fucks herself with fingers, glass toy, and Magic Wand, and makes herself cum. Therefore, if I wrote about each scene, each paragraph would be pretty much the same.

So, several years ago, while I was previewing 12 Nasty Girls Masturbating Volume 1, I decided to give awards for varying attributes of the girls' performances. Here's what I came up with for Self Service. Keep in mind that these are my faves in each category. If you like to watch girls fuck themselves, you ought to watch the movie and judge for yourself!

-- sponsored by --

I've given you lots of screen captures to whet your appetite for the real thing. Click each link to reveal the reason why I chose contestants for each category and why I chose the winner. Better yet, get a copy of Self Service into your DVD player, get lost in the girls' self-love, and pick your own winners.                                                                                                                             

Most Beautiful Girl
  • Comment: Although I think that all girls who are willing to take their clothes off and fuck for the camera are beautiful, including each and every girl in Self Service, these girls stand out as gorgeous, striking, and literally stunning. Of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so you are free to disagree with me!
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: Kagney. My God! What perfect flesh! What curves! Can you find a flaw on her magnificent body? I can't! And, she practices impeccable grooming, too.
Cutest Girl
  • Comment: To me, a cute girl is not only physically attractive but is also adorable and endearing. There's just something about her personality that makes me want to spend time with her...to get to know her. 
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: Monique. She has SO much fun during her scene that, when she's finished, she giggles and exclaims "Wow! That thing (Magic Wand) is amazing! Holy Crap! That thing's amazing. Wow. I hope you enjoyed yourself, 'cause I sure did!" Believe me, you'll adore her and want to fold her into your arms! 
Best Body
  • Comment: OK, so you'll probably disagree with my contestants. That's totally OK. But, since I like hard-bodied, lithe, toned, and all-natural girls, here are the girls whose bodies I appreciated most in Self Service.
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: Maylene. Although they've both got similar bodies--ones that will definitely give me wet dreams, I like Maylene's body better.
Best Outfit 
  • Comment: Sometimes, a girl's attire can simply make my blood boil. Unfortunately, most of the girls in Self Service wear pretty--yet conventional--bikinis...except Kagney!. Wow! 
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: Kagney. Just click the link and check out her scintillating attire as shown on the box cover. Don't you wish that your woman would dress like that?
Best Tease 
  • Comment: During each girl's striptease that precedes her solo scene, she does her best to inflame our lust with her body and her movements. Three girls really made me focus and pay close attention to her every move.
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: Alexis. Wait until you see her coyly beckon us to follow her!
Best Dance Routine 
  • Comment: Each girl strips and dances for us prior to her scene. Most of the girls simply pose and gradually reveal their bodies for us. Sammie, however, really knows how to move her fantastic body for us!
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: Sammie. When there's only one contestant, she's bound to win!
Best Camel Toe 
  • Comment: Cameltoe is a slang term that refers to the outline of the labia majora seen through tight clothes. Although I love to see a girl's pussy through her clothes, most of the girls didn't really emphasize that during Self Service.
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: The outline of Monique's pussy is not only visible under her bikini bottoms, but she tugs that strip of cloth tight to further outline her fabulous assets.
Best Piercings 
  • Comment: I love to savor a woman's body jewelry, whether it be in her navel, lip, nose, tongue, or wherever else. I especially like genitalia jewelry and pierced nipples. And, I truly appreciate a girl choosing body jewelry that somehow reflects her personality.
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: Kagney has one of the most unusual genital-area piercings I've ever adored. Add her pierced navel to the mix and the overall effect is mesmerizing.
Best Tattoos 
  • Comment: I am also turned on by a woman's body art (tattoos, inkings). Particularly intriguing are tattoos that are both beautiful and meaningful. In particular, I'm thinking of Janine Lindemulder's inkings that represent her love for her children.
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: Monique is a work of art. She's beautiful. And, she not only has great taste but a very gifted tattooist. 
Best Breasts (Natural) 
  • Comment: Although I love all female breasts, I particularly enjoy perfect natural ones...they're rare and exceptionally attractive, I think.
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: Sammie. They're not only 100% real, but they're large enough to squeeze and suckle without being overwhelming. And, they hang just perfectly, too.
Best Breasts (Enhanced) 
  • Comment: Although I prefer 100% natural female breast meat, I do appreciate nicely enhanced boobs, too. This requires a skilled and talented surgeon who does not leave hideous scars under the woman's breasts. The best of the best enlarged breasts also look and feel natural.
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: Kagney. One look tells all!
Best Nipples 
  • Comment: Of course, breasts are delightful. However, nipples are the source of life! I like them to stand tall and proud when they're excited. Don't you agree?
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: Monique. Have you ever seen more suckable nipples?
Best Ass 
  • Comment: Ahh! Ass! Heart-shaped, firm, and blemish- and cellulite-free...just right for squeezing and spanking, no?
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: Alexis TexASS. Was there ever any doubt?
Prettiest Eyes 
  • Comment: Although it's true that the eyes are the portal to the soul, some eyes are so mesmerizing, so entrancing, that I get lost in them. My dick, however, does not seem to get lost...instead, it really makes its presence felt!
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: Kagney. I truly get lost in her big baby blues!
Prettiest Pussy
  • Comment: I love pussy so damned much that I'm certain that if I die and go to heaven, the pathway will lead directly through a pink, slippery, warm, and accommodating vagina. Although I like most every pussy I've ever seen, I prefer those with puffy labia. I also prefer those labia to be shaved. But, I do appreciate a nicely-cropped patch of pubic hair above clit level. What are your criteria?
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: Alexis. Although I adore Kagney's genitalia jewelry (see above), I must admit that Alexis' bush really turns me on. 
Most Extensive Gooseflesh
  • Comment: I love experiencing a woman in the throes of ecstasy. One way to tell if she's aroused is by observing her flesh...if it's covered with goose bumps, you know she feels fine!
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: Sammie. Just click the link and see for yourself!
Juiciest Pussy
  • Comment: I don't know about you, but I prefer all-natural girl-juice as lubricant in contrast to something that comes out of a bottle or tube. Really horny girls' pussies provide all the lube that we need.
  • Contestants:
    • Kagney. Her pussy sloshes when she plays with her toy. Her juice even flows!
    • Jenna's vagina sloshes when she finger-fucks herself. By the end of the scene, it's fucking saturated
    • Alexis' vagina sloshes when she finger-fucks herself.
    • Jenaveve's pussy gleams with girl juice.
    • After Michelle cums, her pussy sloshes and glistens with juice. 
  • Winner and why: Michelle. She gets so wet that her lovely genitals gleam!
Best Gaping Pussy
  • Comment: Wide-open pussies are, like eyes, portals to womens' souls. I love to gaze deeply into pink, slippery, and gaping holes. You?
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: Phoenix. While most of the girls spread their lips wide, Phoenix does it over, and over, and over again for us.
Most Engorged Clit
  • Comment: Goose bumps reveal a woman's pleasure. So does her clit...the bigger it swells, the better she feels. Personally, I like to suck on erect clits as if they were lollypops.
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: While most of the girls' labia hide their sensitive buttons, Monique's peeks out and simply demands our attention.
Most Fingers (Pussy)
  • Comment: Being well endowed, I appreciate vaginas that accommodate! One way to test a pussy's capacity is to inch multiple fingers inside. Pussies that remain tight and accommodate lots of fingers are the best! In Self Service, most of the girls don't go as far as I'd like...I've seen vaginas hold as many as eight fingers. (By the way, I don't count single finger penetrations in this category.) 
  • Contestants:
    • Monique (2)
    • Jenna (3) (2
    • Sammie (2) (3)
    • Alexis (2
    • Phoenix (2
    • Jenaveve (2
    • Michelle (2)
  • Winner and why: Sammie. Not only does she use three fingers, but she digs deep!
Best Use of Fingers
  • Comment: Of course, girls use their fingers to stroke their clits and probe their vaginas while masturbating. But, some girls simply have more dexterity than others!
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: Phoenix. She uses one set of fingers to probe her pussy and the other to ream her asshole.
Best Pussy Juice Eating (Pussy-to-Mouth)
  • Comment: After a girl shoves a toy of fingers up her pussy, I like to see her lick it (them) clean. It's not as good as pussy-to-mouth with a cock, but it's still hot!
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: Check for sure: Alexis deep-throats her toy while sucking it clean! 
Best Orgasm (Non-Squirting) Best Orgasm (Squirting)
  • Comment: Although I know there's a controversy over the reality of female ejaculation, I don't give a damn. I love to see a climaxing girl's pussy erupt with juice...no matter what it is. Two girls in Self Service squirted for us: Kagney and Maylene. For some reason, Jenna, who squirts in many of her scenes, didn't ejaculate in this movie.
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: Maylene squirts twice in succession and then again a couple of minutes later. 
Most Amazing Toy
  • Comment: Girls will sometimes fuck themselves with nearly unimaginable things...like pistols, broom handles, vegetables, and so on. And, they sometimes use fucking machines, too. Unfortunately, in Self Service, the girls keep to fairly standard--yet very beautiful--glass dildos and sure-to-please Magic Wands.
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: Since the girls all use pretty much the same toys, I'm going to give this award to Phoenix, who uses two toys at once.
Nastiest Use of Toy(s)
  • Comment: Sometimes, girls use toys in very nasty ways during solo or girl/girl scenes. For example, I've seen girls take a double-headed dildo and shove one end into their pussies and the other end into their assholes. Unfortunately, very little "nastiness" occurs with toys in Self Service.
  • Contestants:
    • Alexis deep-throats her blue and clear glass dildo.
    • Phoenix Marie fucks her asshole with a clear glass dildo. She also holds her glass dildo with her hands and feet and then bounces up and down on it. And, Phoenix plays with two toys at a time (dildo in her ass and Magic Wand on her pussy).
    • Winner and why: Phoenix. Although I truly admire Alexis' ability to nearly swallow a long glass dick, Phoenix really knows how to use her toys to the best advantage.
Best Use of Spit
  • Comment: I like all a woman's liquid secretions...pussy juice, ejaculate, and spit...even urine. So, it stands to reason that I like to see how she uses her spit while she masturbates.
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why:  Kagney. Her aim is amazing! 
Best Anal Sex
  • Comment: Although pussies are the portals to heaven, assholes come in a close second. To me, a first-class solo scene features anal reaming as well as pussy stuffing. Thankfully, Phoenix did an outstanding job plowing both of her holes. On the other hand, all the other sphincters remained, sadly, unopened.
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why:  Phoenix. When there's only one contender, she's bound to win.
Best Double Penetration
  • Comment: If one stuffed hole is good, two are better, no?
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: Phoenix is the only one who plowed her asshole. So, she's the only one who can win this category!
Best Ass-to-Mouth
  • Comment: Talk about nasty. Only naughty girls will do ATM for us.
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: Phoenix is the only one who plowed her asshole. So, she's the only one who can win this category!
Best Ass-to-Pussy
  • Comment: If ass-to-mouth is nasty, ass-to-pussy is truly nefarious. Only the hottest and naughtiest girls will do ATP for us.
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: Phoenix does it all!
Best Assgasm
  • Comment: Few girls can actually cum as a result of anal sex. But, those who can experience assgasms are a real treat.
  • Contestants
  • Winner and why: Too bad that Phoenix didn't have any competition in the anal categories. But, she's definitely worth all the awards she's getting for Self Service!
Most Enthusiastic/Excited Girl
  • Comment: Don't you love it when your girl truly enjoys herself? When she has the time of her life? Well, that's how I felt about several of the girls in Self Service. I have transcribed some of their comments so that you'll get a feel of their true selves.
  • Contestants:
    • Monique: "Wow! That thing (Magic Wand) is amazing! Holy Crap! That thing's amazing. Wow. I hope you enjoyed yourself, 'cause I sure did!"
    • Jenaveve: Giggling, Jenaveve says, "Hi, I'm Jenaveve Jolie and I'm gonna cum a LOT of times for you!" She's ALWAYS smiling and excited. 
    • Michelle has so much fun! Her face beams with smiles and giggles.
  • Winner and why: Monique. It's seldom that any porn girl truly enjoys herself as much as Monique. However, Jeneveve is a very close second. Wait until you see her in the behind-the-scenes featurette!
Most Flexible Girl
  • Comment: Some girls, possibly due to dance or gymnastics classes/teams during their teen years, are so flexible that they can do seemingly impossible things with their bodies. When that happens, it's hard to take your eyes off them!
  • Contestants:
  • Winner and why: Kagney's really the only girl who shows off her near contortionist skills. Check out how she can position her legs behind her head
Nastiest Vocabulary
  • Comment: I think that the words a woman says during sex (either solo or with a partner) are nearly as sexy as her body and her moves. The girls in Self Service seem to agree as torrents of extremely naughty--and very motivating--words continuously flow from their mouths. I've transcribed some of the best examples below.
  • Contestants:
    • Monique: "You like how I smack my tits? Get your fuckin' dick hard?" "You like watching me fuck myself?" 
    • Kagney: "Hi, I'm Kagney Linn Karter and I'm really really horny right now. So, I just thought you could watch me while I fuck myself. Would you like that?"..."She (her pussy) fuckin' wants that motherfucker (glass dildo)." "Mommy will fuck you (her pussy). Mommy will take care of you!" "I'M A BAD GIRL!" "Who's a bad, bad girl? ME!"
    • Jenna: "Hello, I'm Jenna Presley and today I'm gonna fuck myself and I'm gonna rock your world! So, you'd better take your fuckin' cock out!" "Do you love to see your dirty little whore play with her fuckin' twat?" "I'm a naughty fuckin' skank!" "You like watchin' me beating that little fucking cunt up?" "Oh, my God! I love fuckin' myself!" "Those cums juices are so fuckin' sweet!" 
    • Alexis: "Hi, my name is Alexis Texas and I'm gonna diddle my skiddle for you until I cum, baby!" "Are you ready to see this big ass shake...just for you?" "Work it (the Magic Wand) around that fuckin' pussy!" 
    • Phoenix Marie: "How about I get a fucking toy and shove it deep inside my ass?" "I want you to fuckin' treat me like a bad girl. Fuck my asshole, too! Please fuck my asshole!" 
    • Michelle: "I love touching my nipples while I'm finger-fucking myself!" "I LOVE playing with myself!" 
  • Winner and why: Kagney. I love how she talks to her pussy and how she calls herself a "bad, bad girl!"
Best at Keeping Us Involved
  • Comment: Girls who provide world-class solo masturbation scenes do everything in their power to keep us involved. They use their eyes, words, sounds, gestures, moves, and, of course, their bodies to make us feel like we're with her. Several of the girls in Self Service do a remarkable job. Although you'll need to watch the movie to see their gestures and moves and hear their sounds, I've transcribed some of their words below.
  • Contestants:
    • Monique Alexander is always asking how we like what she's doing. She asks us to cum with her. 
    • Kagney talks directly to us. not so much asking us if we like what she's doing, but telling us what she feels and what she's going to do. 
    • Jenna begs us to stroke our dicks while she reams herself with a glass dildo. 
    • Sammie has us pretend that her fingers are out cocks. 
    • Phoenix: "Hi, I'm Phoenix Marie. I'm gonna cum, and you're gonna cum, too! I'm gonna make sure of it!" Speaking about your dick in her spit-lubricated cleavage, she coos: "Right there. Just put your dick right inside." Phoenix constantly talks to us as if we were actually fucking her. She us to get fucking hard so we can fuck her and pretends that her glass dildo is really our cock fucking her asshole.
    • Jenaveve talks to us as if we are with her. "I want you to taste it" (referring to her pussy). "I wish you could put your hard cock inside me and fuck me. I'd cum all over your cock!" "I want you to pretend like you're fucking me right now!" 
    • Michelle: "Hey, I'm Michelle Maylene and I'm gonna rub my tight little Asian pussy thinking about your cock...until I cum for you!" "You know what I like? I like when you take the tip of your cock and you rub it like this (demonstrating with a toy) and just tease me for a little while and get me really wet until you slip it in!" While fucking herself with a toy: "I wish this was your cock right now!"
  • Winner and why: Phoenix is really good keeping a connection with us. Just look at her words (above).

And the Winner Is:

I'm surprised--and pleased--to say that Phoenix Marie is the best masturbator in Self Service. Frankly, I was expecting one of my Must-See Girls (Alexis, Sammie, Kagney, or Jenna) to be my favorite. But, Phoenix wins hands down. Not only does she ream both of her holes for us, but she also does the very best job keeping us involved. Congratulations, Phoenix, on a SUPER job.


The DVD-9 disc I reviewed contains a single chapter per scene; full motion chapter selector organized by each girl's name; a 32-minute "cutting room floor" behind-the-scenes (BTS) featurette; a 13-minute bonus scene from Control Freaks featuring Asa Akira (it's another solo masturbation scene); a four and one-half minute self-running slide show of soft, pretty-girl, and hard photos related to the movie; trailers for three Vouyer Media movies; and website access information. The Cutting Room Floor (BTS) featurette is primarily composed of impromptu on-set interviews of the girls. Clips of each girl's in-depth interview are stitched together in such a way that you won't get tired of listening to one girl. The girls say lots of interesting and hot things. In particular, you've gotta hear Monique Alexander's comments on a woman's hygiene practices and her first threesome, Alexis Texas' masturbation history and techniques, Phoenix Marie's thoughts on makeup, Jenna Presley's revelations about her sexual proclivities and fantasies as well as her pride in her bountiful tits, Kagney's story about skydiving naked and then immediately having sex after "landing," Michelle's thoughts on what makes the perfect guy, and Sammie's opinions about the perfect sex toy. The BTS also contains some footage of Jenaveve Jolie trying out the Magic Wand prior to using it in her scene and having her tits squeezed and fondled by a cute Asian female production assistant. The same cute Asian girl also gets to squeeze Alexis Texas' and Phoenix Marie's scrumptuous tits (I wish I was in that production assistant's place right now!). This selection of Extras is about average in today's marketplace. Three stars. 

Final Thoughts

The best things about Self Service include:
  • the cast. All the girls are A-list!
  • the well-chosen music that plays during the girls' striptease scene set-ups.
  • the very nice locations chosen for the scenes as well as the creative use of those locations (nice use of staircases, mirrors, furniture, and so on).
  • the multitude of orgasms...including squirting orgasms. Since I watch porn to see pretty girls cum, I was, literally, in heaven for the three hours that this movie ran.

Self Service could have been better if:

  • more of the girls had reamed their assholes.
  • a wider variety of toys had been employed.
  • Jenna Presley had squirted.
  • the girls' pussies had been stuffed with more fingers.
  • more attention had been paid to the lighting and color balance.
  • the videographer had not moved so fucking much! Cameraman, please stay still for at least a little while before moving. You make us dizzy...especially when you move clumsily and jerk the camera around.
  • the videographer had not used so many fucking oblique camera angles. When cameramen turn the camera to this and that angle, so that the performers are not horizontal or vertical, it makes it appear that they are going to slide off the screen. This ridiculous practice only occurs in porn...nobody in mainsteam makes a habit of using oblique camera angles. GET OVER IT, CAMERAMEN! 
Overall sex rating: 4.65
Overall video rating: 3.00
Overall audio rating: 3.00
Production values rating: 3.80

Dr. Jay

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