2009, 2:52 plus extras Writer-Director: Joanna Angel Cast: Joanna Angel, Gia Paloma, Mayhem, Jessie Lee, January Darling, Scarlett Pain; James Deen, Tommy Pistol, Jason Dallas
Joanna Angel may get screwed out of a shower in this feature, but she sure doesn't get screwed out of screen time. The petite brunette, one of the founders of the alt-porn movement, has written and directed a comedy whose premise would have been deemed high concept back in the 1980s: after having sex with a boy she has picked up in a bar, a girl simply wants to take a shower but gets thwarted at every turn. At a nearly three-hour running time, that thin plot leaves a lot of room for sex. Unfortunately, there are only five sex scenes, and a sparse cast, so what we have are real-time fuck sessions that are so long and tiresome you wish Angel had followed the lead of '80s porn auteurs, who understood the value of traditional montage and the 80-minute movie.
Shot (in HD) on the industrial streets and in the storefronts of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, "Screwed" has a bit of gritty authenticity, and most of the performers have the tattoos, piercings and anything-goes attitude that go with the performance-artist persona of the nabe. The most obvious ringer, though, is San Fernando Valley veteran boy toy James Deen, who appears in two scenes. He brings Joanna to his bright pink apartment for the movie's first fuckathon (including anal), but proves to be a goofy weirdo when kicks the poor girl out when she's trying to shower off the cum. Joanna wanders through the rest of the movie wearing heels and a pink towel.
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She hopes to get clean at her friend Gia Paloma's dungeon, where the shaved-headed, big-boobed dominatrix is working on slave Tommy Pistol with assistance from spike-haired slut Mayhem. The two women work over the submissive guy and each other for an eternity, while Joanna just sits and waits to ask permission to take a shower! She could have showered, dressed, put on makeup and robbed the place blind in the time the distracted trio spend ignoring her.
Next stop for Joanna is a grungy bar, where the skeevy proprietor allows her to use the office shower. She pounds on the "office" door, while inside -- it's an apartment, not an office -- lovers Jason Dallas and magenta-haired Jessie Lee are entertaining pal James Deen. Deen is regaling them about the weird little girl he's just fucked; Jessie demands some action of her own. The ensuing threesome is sort of hot, thanks to Jessie's genuine dirty enthusiasm (including a double facial), but when it's all over, Joanna is still pounding on the door. They finally let her in but when she hops in the shower, Deen gets in with her and teasingly boots her out.
We now return to slave Tommy Pistol, who stumbles into work at the Burning Angel Internet Café (the movie is full of promotion for Joanna Angel's operation), apologizing to co-worker January Darling, who has been holding the fort. In a silly bit of IM-ing between the two as they sit at separate computers in the same room, he explains his earlier slave adventure. So naturally January wants to try him out. They lock the door and get down to it, with the lovely blonde (with blue streaks) undraping a delicious natural body with big floppy boobs. Lots of anal licking of January help make this scene stand out, though Tommy's now-and-then erection reveals that making porn is tough, skin-numbing work. (Pistol does, however, show some actual acting effort.)
In the final scene, Joanna, still draped in a towel, finally makes it to her destination -- the Burning Angel Spelling Bee (!!). She meets up with young blonde Scarlett Pain and explains her shower-less state; Scarlett suggests they try the locker room downstairs. After beating up a janitor who refuses to clear out, Scarlett demands to get in the shower with Joanna. After a (need I say?) long lez scene under running water, Scarlett asks Joanna the question we've been wondering for three hours: "Why didn't you just go home to shower?" Joanna's answer will not go down in the annals of great movie punch lines.
Shot in HD during a sunny summer spell in Brooklyn, "Joanna Angel's Screwed ... Out of a Shower" is at least eye-pleasing (the picture is presented in 16:9 widescreen). Sound and music are fine. The scene selection menu offers full-motion frames labeled "Intro," "Blow Job," "Cum Shot," etc., which will help get you through the super-long movie if you choose to rewatch favorite parts. The 32 chapter cues seem about the minimum acceptable amount for a movie that's longer than "Avatar."
The disc has a moderate amount of extra material: a photo gallery and six Club Jenna trailers (for "Fucking for Gas Money," "Bumper Grrrls," "Hot Rod Tramps 2," "MILF School 9," "Teenage Delinquents 2" and "RPM XXXtreme: Stick Shift").
THE LAST WORD
Joanna Angel is a cutie (she could be the love child of Marisa Tomei and Sarah Silverman), and she clearly has ambitions to make a new sort of porn, but this movie is epic in length only; shooting sex scenes in nearly real time, especially when the guy can't cum so easily, just results in tedium. Still, the girls here are definitely not the usual scrubbed porn types. This may be just the thing for guys or girls who have a thing for real tits, real tats and real boho 'tude.