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Catlicks Vol. 1

Studio: Bluebird Films » Review by Crazy Slutty » Review Date: 5/9/10

XCritic's Advice: Skip It


This appears to be a movie about girls in cat masks. Which, you know, is fine. I can see the appeal of sexy catgirls... although from the box cover these masks aren't exactly what I'd put in the "sexy" category or have used to turn a porn star into a catgirl.

But this isn't about me!


Jodie crawls up the stairs wearing her kitty mask, purple dress, and purple arm warmer things. She starts making out with some dude and goes right to sucking his cock. No dialogue, hooray. Light face fucking.

He plays with her pussy briefly and then starts fucking her, which is actually kind of boring, because they don't show her nice boobs bouncing around. Then they DO show her boobs but they're implants, so they don't really bounce. I mean, they're nice and big, don't get me wrong, but I like a little more motion.

Nice tits! It's a shame they don't put them to good use.

Interestingly, she's pretty quiet throughout the sex. Guy gets naked and there's more sex. There's almost no sound at all, not even sex noises. They don't even appear to be into it. Just lots of loud bad music and boring, silent sex.

She then jacks him off and there's a super weak cumshot onto her motionless boobies. She doesn't even pretend to want to lick them up, and we finally hear some moans - from the dude. No thanks!


So here we have Kit Lee and Kat Lee. Are they twins? Don't know, because they have masks on! And we don't know who is who, so... and neither does the movie. During the intro at the beginning, they show one of them and label her as Kit Lee. Then they think they're showing you the other one, but it's the exact same girl (you can tell them apart by their stockings) and they laber her as Kat Lee.

Really, guys? Hilarious. :)

So they start sucking and fucking. No seriously, it starts that way. One of them is giving really quiet unenthusiastic head and the other girl is being fucked. Again, no sound other than bad techno music. It's getting kind of creepy.

That expression says it all, really. I feel the same way watching this.

Then they switch guys and it's all the same all the time, which is just what most guys want in their porn. NOT. Yes, I said not.

I am starting to think they must be actual twins because they're not touching each other. Actual not-fun twins!

And EW there is some nasty pussy shot. WTF is going on in there?!

Then they have saucers, which the guys come into. Except they're white saucers, and the cum is white, AND the light is overexposed, so you can't see a damn thing.

Hilariously, the first guy accidentally gets some cum on her mask... and the girl actually RECOILS IN HORROR. What the fuck are you doing making a porn, you poor excuse for a slut?

You do not recoil in horror from the cumshot! Bad slut! Bad!

OH LULZ THEY TOTALLY FAKED THIS and loaded up the saucers with tons of fake cum. They overexposed it ON PURPOSE for just this reason. WHAT A CROCK OF BULLSHIT THEY HAVE SERVED UP TO ME RIGHT HERE.

OK, OK, maybe they were supposed to be cumming into saucers of milk. But still. I feel betrayed. And stupid bitches who recoil from cum shouldn't make porn.

Moving on!


She starts out pawing at the air.

All hail the power of...

There's a leash thing on her, and she's clawing at the carpet and trying to get a bottle of fertilizer? I don't even know what that is.

-- sponsored by --

Fertilizer? How is that milk?!

It's all pretty stupid although there is sound of her whining about how she can't do something incredibly simple.

This is amazing. Perhaps the most amazing thing I've ever seen. Then she meows and cries.

OH MY GOD it's supposed to be MILK. That was just sitting out on the counter. So now she has to suck him to get her milk. Or his milk. Or both of them! I told you it was confusing!

He pours milk into a dish while she sucks him. And she's all MMMMM, which is creepy, and I WOULD LIKE THE BAD TECHNO MUSIC BACK PLZ.

She seems to be much more enthusiastic about sucking, but she needs to stop with the Mms. Mmmkay?

He pulls her around with the leash while she continues mmm-ing. Who thinks that's sexy?!

We are then treated to all of the worst camera angles and very hairy man legs. It's unfortunate.

Oh, I'm sorry, can you not see what's going on?

How's this? Better?

How about this?

Never mind all that! What you need is a whole lot of ~*barrf*~ she's fucking Sasquatch!

Through the magic of bad editing, she's suddenly in front of the milk bowl and still being fucked, during which we ... can't see anything.

And now they're still having sex, not by the milk bowl. Oh God, the man-hair. Make it stop.

And then she's sucking on him... an now they're on the table, and interestingly the sound does not match up for most of this. LOL.

So she gets the cum in her mouth, and goes down to the milk bowl... and you don't see anything except the top of her head. Oh, I see, she's getting milk on her face and then spilling it on the glass table. Good lord. I'm starting to wonder if this is a milk fetish video.

Best shot of the entire scene.

She says something they cut the audio from, and zoooom in on the milk... and cut!


OK, so, black leopard mask, black vinyl dress, black collar, and black fishnets.

And you get to see her face! Ooh! The mask fell off, and she's actually kinda cute.

So the dude is all pulling on her panties in uncomfortable ways. He is flossing her taint, and then licking her underwear instead of actually rimming her. Then he starts pulling her pussy open with his fingers. I am starting to think this guy doesn't actually know anything about sex.

There's only one way to get panty fuzz out of your asscrack, ladies!
Just call Mr. Creepy.

The mask is then back on, and he's creepy, and she sucks on him. She seems pretty enthusiastic though! Again, there are sounds that are not coming from the actual people.

The mask keeps coming off, so he just holds it on for her.

The guy then proves he actually does know how to "do the sex" as it were, and she moans for realz. Then he starts fucking her sideways, and since his cock curves up, I know that's not all that comfortable, but she's a good sport about it.

He's way hairy too. I have seen far too many hairy man-legs in this porn.

More sex we don't get to see, and then more hairy man-legs! Damn it!

She continues to act like she's having a good time, even while she pulls on the collar of her dress to keep herself from choking. Good work, missy!

He then sits her in a chair and they do stupid porn kissing with lots of tongue movement. No one actually does that, y'allz.

She fingers herself with her mouth open and he cums in her mouth. It's a mediocre cumshot, but easily the best thus far. She spits it out on his cock though, so points lost.


She's a cat superhero. She has to be. There's no other way to explain her outfit.

And not only is she a cat superhero, she's a cat superhero who hangs out behind unmarked stores that are, apparently, open.

I can only surmise that the extensive time spent shooting the "open"
sign is a commentary on society's inability to accept that a woman
in a bad cat mask can be both a patriotic superhero AND a slut
at the same time, while still upholding a strong moral... ah fuck it.

She's wearing an amazing red white and blue ensemble with stars and a big red shiny number 1 on the front of it. U-S-A! U-S-A!

What. The. Fuck. You can't make this shit up, people.

So the proprietor of the "open" shop finds the "cat" and proceeds to make out with her and lick her pussy outside the store. Then she sucks his cock.

I think all of this is illegal in 34 states.

His cock is really freaky weird and the head of it is like a spear? It's weirdly pointy. Ew. She's drooling, which is hot, but she gagged only halfway down. It's a pretty big cock though. Or maybe she was just revolted at the thought of triangle-head-cock.

She's got a clit piercing, and she fucks him, and I'm bored. At least she's really talking. Maybe halfway through they decided to get a sound guy or something.

They then engage in the worst positions ever on a very uncomfortable wooden bench. Only in porn, folks.

More shots of triangle penis! Ew ew!

She then laps up his man milk, which is kind of hilarious. And then she spits it out! NO POINTS. And now he's all sweaty and dripping. Gross.


She crawls over to a very young looking man in a suit. Maybe he just turned 18.

This makes me feel dirty. And not in the good way.
He looks like he's 12! Should I be watching this

She starts sucking his cock, and it's abysmally bad. Cheater cheater cheater, focusing on the head plus handjob.

Then they're having sex, and her boobs really bounce around a lot. The sound is a lot louder here but... it's just weird. There are some artsy fade cuts that are just lame.

Back to sex, and her boobs are bouncing every which way. Then there is some titty fucking, because her boobs are freakin' ginormous.

Watery cum shot over the titties, and we're done. Well, almost. He says something completely unintelligible, and she crawls out the door. Zoooom on the closed door... and it's over.

Thank God.

Special features

Pop Shots (if only they were good)
Slide Show (lame still images)


The good: Um.

The bad: Pretty much everything.

Final grade: D-

The concept could actually be kind of cool... if you had cool sexy catgirls instead of lame ugly masks, much less man-hair, girls who clearly weren't interested in what they were doing and camera angles that block all the action.

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