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Hustler's Untrue Hollywood Stories: Jesse James

Studio: Hustler Video » Review by Don Houston » Review Date: 6/22/10

XCritic's Advice: Watch It Online

Hustler's Untrue Hollywood Stories: Jesse James (SD & Blu-ray)

Hustler Video

Genre: Celebrity Parody

Director: Otto Bauer

Cast: Emily Parker, Marty Romano, Taryn Thomas, Alexis Grace
Non-sex role: Otto Bauer

Length: 88:41 minutes

Date of Production: 4/12/2010

Extras: The best extras were two completely unrelated bonus scenes as described in detail below. There was also a 7:23 minute long Behind the Scenes feature (I think the Blu-ray version might have been a second or two longer) introducing the characters, some trailers, some spam that can be skipped, a commercial against piracy by the FSC, and a photogallery.

Marty Romano looks more like French Stewart here

(Happy Birthday 6/22)

Condoms: None

Audio/Video Quality: Hustler's Untrue Hollywood Stories: Jesse James was presented in a fetching 1.78:1 widescreen color by director Otto Bauer for Hustler Video using the AVC codec; a standard on Blu-Ray discs; the standard definition version in MPEG-2 with the usual 480p resolution compared to the 1080i resolution of the high definition version, partially made up for by the SD's anamorphic nature). My knowledge of the SD version of the title allows me to compare the two; it lacked the better resolution and purity of fleshtones this version had, the bitrate often hovering around 17.2 Mbps area compared to less than a fourth of that in the SD version which seemed to hover around the 4.2 Mbps mark. The use of video bothers some folks but it suited the nature of the show far more than film would have and the contrasts were all enhanced by the high definition approach. There were no obvious compression artifacts, no grain to speak of, and I saw no macro-blocking or other issues that pop up; thanks in no small part to the proper lighting applied here in most cases (the editing handled well enough too). The summation of the visuals is that they made the show look better than some of the previous entries in the series, my sole complaint being that there were many missed opportunities and the running time was so limited. The audio was presented in a 2.0 Dolby Digital stereo English using a 224 Kbps bitrate at 48 kHz in both versions. The vocals on the scenes were flat and even in most cases, the voice-overs sounding somewhat warmer in tone and always easier to hear, and the minimal music seemed to come from the stock library used for years by the series. In terms of upgrades then, the visuals got the largest boost by a wide margin with the aural capabilities once again cleaned up but only slightly.

Emily Parker and Marty Romano

-- sponsored by --

Body of Review: Otto Bauer is one of the funniest men in porn, the man often mischaracterized by a handful of critics that have never taken a moment to know him versus roles he plays in porn. One of the oddities of life is that much of his humor doesn't always translate well when shot on a shoestring budget for companies like Hustler Video but he has had enough success in the past to convince me that he will find another perfect job both in front and behind the camera some day. Sadly, the short fuck flick called Hustler's Untrue Hollywood Stories: Jesse James did not appear to be such a project given my first viewing of it last week. The movie stars Marty Romano as "Jesse James" the modern day motorcycle builder who has been taken to task for having extra marital affairs while married to Hollywood starlet Sandra Bullock. How anyone can fuss at a showbiz guy for screwing hordes of willing women is beyond my understanding, his claim to fame in porn being a failed relationship to once popular Janine (as well as some obscure performers few had heard of before they tried blackmailing him), his child custody battle revealing that the child would be better off raised by a pack of wolves given the claims and counterclaims. Whatever the truth in those stories, Hustler wisely decided to stay out of the fray while still capitalizing on it by making the battle the focus of their latest volume in the "Untrue" stories series; tossing caution to the wind to generate a few scenarios that had little basis in reality. The downside was that they skipped presenting a Janine clone and even ditched the idea of finding suitable women to play the roles of Sandra Bullock (Taryn Thomas?!? Really?!?) and Michelle McGee (Emily Parker?!?). Marty himself looked nothing like Jesse and did not appear to have many of his mannerisms down pat but at least he has a history of acting in porn comedies to work with. In any case, with a scant three scenes in the movie, I wasn't expecting a whole lot. Here's a brief look at the scenes by cast and action, noting that no condoms were used for those still interested:

Taryn Thomas

Scene One: Emily Parker, the heavily tattooed brunette seen on the right side of the front cover, was up first in a junky looking motorcycle repair shop with Marty Romano. The initial opening was truncated and I suspect much was dropped to make things easy, the brunette stripping and slobbing his knob with ease without providing more than a few seconds of tease. While Marty is not exactly well hung, he is probably as big as Jesse given the comments made by some of the ladies, making it easier for her to work him to the bone. He skipped going down on her and started banging her vaginally on a motorcycle, Emily acting mostly passive as she received his pecker inside of her. There was some taste testing and unlike her fetish-oriented character, she was a straightforward ride that looked the part better than played it well, the energy lacking in most of the bout of boning. It ended with her blowing him to completion, his wad of genetic juice rather limited.

Taryn Thomas and Alexis Grace

Scene Two: Taryn Thomas, the dumpy looking brunette on the left side of the front cover (made to look that way in makeup, I'm sure), was up next portraying Oscar winning actress Sandra Bullock alongside Marty "Jesse James" Romano. They were having an intimate moment by the kitchen table, her mediocre blowjob leading to some vaginal antics where her accent railed against humanity itself. While Taryn has certainly seen far better days in her past works (her abomination of a Jersey Shore parody receiving very high marks on the "wince scale"), at least she was moderately active while riding his cock, the repetitive vocals grating too but at least in line with many of her peers. It ended when he unleashed a decent sized load of population pudding to her kisser, draining his balls as if he'd been on vacation.

Scene Three: Alexis Grace, an attractive gal wearing a baggy white dress, was up next on a living room couch with Taryn Thomas. Taryn took the lead by telling Alexis to go down on her, the overacting making some of Bullocks worst movies seem far better as a result. The lesbian fare was generic too with some licking and pawing, the toys coming into play along with some masturbation action. In all, this was another weak scene for me because I've seen Taryn shine in all sorts of past work and whatever the political slant of the parody, claiming she held back to be "in character" just doesn't ring true. The ending with the dog was amusing though, making me wonder if the real life James would be better served staying away from high end Hollywood types as well as the conniving chicks he seems to prefer.

Unrelated Bonus Scene: Porny Monster: James walks in on Joanna and Chapel who are hanging out on the couch. Chapel starts sucking James' cock and Joanna kind of wanders off to the corner of the room and does her own thing. Eventually Joanna decides she wants her man back and so she starts trying to suck him off and pushes Chapel away but soon it turns into a three way. Chapel sits on James' face and then on his cock, while Joanna rubs her clit. Joanna then rides James cowgirl style but Chapel gets mad and tries to pull her off of him - she succeeds and hops back on, and Joanna sits on his face. Joanna gets on all fours and James fucks her from behind while Chapel tries to get him to fuck her again. He lets her blow him, but then goes back to fucking Joanna again. James fucks Chapel missionary for a bit, then once again goes back to Joanna, this time fucking her in the ass and not going back to Chapel, who is upset. Chapel tries to get James back but he pulls out and shoots onto Joanna's pelvis and ends the scene, telling Chapel that it was for her own good before he falls over dead - apparently fucked to death! (review courtesy of The Mooninite)

Unrelated Second Bonus Scene: Joanna Angel's Guide 2 Humping: The last scene takes place in a dark room. James is there and she gets his cock out to play with it for a bit. He stands on one side of a chair and sticks his cock through the slats so that she can give him head. After a really aggressive blowjob Joanna climbs up on top of him and rides him cowgirl style, periodically slipping her finger into her ass while she rides him. She sucks him then gets on all fours so he can fuck her twat doggy style, before shifting gears on her and fucking her in the asshole. She blows him then rides him with her ass reverse cowgirl style, and once he's good and ready she pulls off and bends over in front of him so that he can stroke off onto the small of her back after fucking her ass. This feature is five for five as this is another hot scene. Joanna's clear heels that she starts the scene wearing look kind of dumb but other than that she does look fantastic here and the lighting really brings out the curves of her body nicely. She and Deen have worked together a lot and so their chemistry here is to be expected but that doesn't change the fact that they do tear it up here. Good stuff. (review courtesy of The Mooninite)

Summary: Hustler's Untrue Hollywood Stories: Jesse James by director Otto Bauer for Hustler Video reminds me that when the bonus scenes from completely unrelated productions are better than those in the movie itself, a company needs to consider how the show was approved in the first place. To suggest that only three scenarios could be written for this one begets the lack of creativity, the company long ago reveling in how much bad taste it could present to the American public. Still, for all the missed opportunities to provide shower scenes in jail, Janine lookalikes, and the pairing pretty much everyone I know expected to happen (Sandra vs Janine) in the movie, the balance of the movie including some decent bonus scenes left me ultimately giving it a Rent It status out of generosity. In short, Hustler's Untrue Hollywood Stories: Jesse James did not even scratch the surface of the potential to be mined by the characters it was based upon but fans of Taryn and Emily will undoubtedly appreciate that they were given the spotlight next to the real star of the flick, Marty Romano.

You can email me with questions at Houstondon @ hotmail.com if you have any constructive criticism of the review too. :) Also you can follow me on twitter @HoustonDon

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