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Barely Legal Biker Girls


Studio: Hustler Video » Review by Crimson Clown » Review Date: 11/18/10



XCritic's Advice: Watch On Demand

Do you know what's even more boring than motorcycles? Watching a porn revolving around motorcycles. I'm not exactly one of those guys who enjoys amateur porn (I like porn to have a grit but a sense of professionalism, too--vintage porn spoiled me), and "Barely Legal Biker Girls" doesn't promise to be a good time upon its prologue with guys dressed as bikers doing easy riders who barely look barely legal. They're barely barely. They're lacking in barely. I'm done. In either case, I hoped this nearly two hour porn would at least have some good fucking in store and maybe some creative uses of T Bars, and mechanic equipment, but alas, we just have this snoozefest that wreaks of amateurism. Even the soundtrack is just a stock soft rock theme that plays in repetition like a bad NES game.

Mason Moore and Derek Pierce
Derek Pierce is shining his motorcyle because... it needs shining, apparently and we spent four minutes watching him where he's confronted by his girlfriend who gripes about Derek fucking someone else. Small bits of rancid dialogue even Megan Fox would laugh at later, the two find an excuse to talk. I take points away for accuracy because if this was a real biker couple, Mason Moore would have a belly, be holding a can of beer, and a smoke, and Derek would have a tooth missing, but I digress. After the annoying argument is finished, Derek woos the shrill Mason to take off her paper thin half tank top and begins copping a feel on her tits, granted Mason Moore is hot if you enjoy skanky and tattooed, and tears her shirt off sucking her tits and rubbing her clit as she moans and giggles. He then places her on his cycle seat and eats out her pussy as she moans and cries out, reaching her climax. She reciprocates by sucking biker boy's giant cock furiously as he lingers back with a grin, and director Jimmy D. pans over to her view where she sucks and licks his pipe hungrily, and lifts her leg up to drive his cock down on her. Screaming, screeching, and making bird sounds, Mason endures her boyfriend's massive pounding on the seat, pounding and pumping on her slipping out of her pussy as she sprays cum angrily all over his shaft. Showing he can ride with the best of them, he mounts her from behind fucking her plump rump and lifts her leg fucking her hard and fast as she cries out cumming all over her inner thighs. She then rides him reverse cowgirl spraying all over his balls, and pounds on him cumming yet again with a screech, and goes down on his cock where he sprays all over her face much to her delight.

Bella Cole and John West

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John West is performing a mime routine on his bike with a small wrench as Bella Cole dressed in a thin top and short short jeans (that's how all American girls dress!), approaching him to buy his bike after taking a day off and John hopes to persuade her to buy it by riding the shaft. And I'm not talking about hogs! Of course West being a natural salesman (you can tell by his bandana), he convinces Bella to try out the bike by revving its engine (and I'm not talking about bikes!) and begins peeking in to her short top much to her delight. Obviously to sweeten the deal Bella shows him her plump ass with her two piece bikini and drops down to her black socks (?) where she shows off her perky small tits and West can't resist. After sucking on her tits for a bit, he moves down to her carriage (and I'm not talking about---nevermind) and begins eating her pussy out much to her delight as he fingers and plays with her, petting and licking her fiercely, and she reciprocates by sucking his cock softly and gently and then rapidly, which inspires her to ride him reverse cowgirl pounding hard and fast on her pussy moaning and whinnying softly and them really crying out the harder and faster the motion becomes. Seeming to have too small a pussty for his big cock she hovers over him with his shaft punching her pussy, and turns riding him along his seat angrily as he rubs her rump zealously. He then sets her down along the seat pounding her pussy fast and hard as she moans and looks bored doing it most of the time. West doesn't really seem very in to much of what he's doing thus the scene is lackluster and easily boring. After cumming on her chest, she is still unsure if she wants the bike. Who cares? West got to fuck her.

Jackie Daniels and Patrick J. Knight
Apparently later that day Patrick J Knight is showing off a humongous red bike in the same garage to Jackie Daniels who sits grinning at the large metal thing (That's what she said!), and ponders buying the bike as Knight shows her how to sit arching her back with his hands flirtatiously as she grins and holds on to it showing off her biker stare. And I'm still wondering if they improvise or are given dialogue. Nevertheless the set up is really tedious and apparently the two know one another as Daniels and Knight begin canoodling and kissing as she stands up tearing her black leather top off prompting him to suck her tits anxiously while she giggles. Finally getting tired of the talking, I mute the TV and watch as Knight spreads Daniels wide eating out her pussy fingering and licking her clit fiercely as she moans and writhes in pleasure. Knight stands in front of Daniels as she sucks his cock wildly and rubs his shaft with a shit eating grin as he groans, and watches as she intricately licks the shaft and rubs his cock feasting on it and choking on its girth. With some variety he spreads her wide and fingers her as she goes to town on his cock, and bends over as he fucks her from behind. The fucking from behind gets pretty boring as Knight seems rigid and stiff (you can stop laughing, now) while fucking her seeming awkward as she tries to loosen up moaning and grabbing the bike, and bends her over completely as he pounds on her pussy from behind with furiosity. He then spreads her along her back pounding her wide as she grabs the handle bars girating with every pump, and finally cums all over her stomach and chest as she laughs. Dull.

Alexa Jordan and Christian X
Alexa Jordan and Christian X are working on yet another bike as Jordan gets a mouthful from Christian X about his shoddy repairs on his bike. Jordan attempts to ease his worries and complaints talking him down in her short shorts and tank top (because she looks like a competent motorcycle mechanic), and Christian X can barely muster up the proper dialogue to improvise. The two sound like an awkward married couple trying to roleplay. Their dialogue goes something like:

Christian X: You're telling me... uh... this is my bike?
Alexa: I... yeah... uh..
Christian X: Well... uh... this is not acceptab--
Alexa: I... sorry... yeah...

Wow, such passion! Such intensity! Someone give them a fucking script! Of course Alexa is wondering what she can do to make Christian happy and he obliges by getting a discount off the repairs, and she checks with her boss who signs off on the discount and two weeks later his bike is repaired and he goes home to show his wife with a smile. No, just kidding, Alexa wants him to sign off so she begins to unclothe much to his reluctance and slips his pants off showing off her hot red top and they make out as he turns her around tearing off her top and squeezing her small tits. He then takes his clothes off and sets her down on the seat eating her pussy out under her panties. He slips them off and goes down on her angrily, as she moans and cries out. After eating her out she sucks his cock viciously, licking his shaft and balls and choking on the head. He bends her over the seat injecting her asshole, and pounding her much to her pain groaning and crying out with cringes and begging for a pounding. She bends down to suck his cock some more and he drops her on to the floor lifting her leg up to fuck her pussy as she groans and cries out in sheer disbelief. She goes down on him sucking his cock, and rides him with her ass puffed up pounding down hard on his shaft, and rides him reverse cowgirl spread wide and screaming with every pound from below. After some heavy pumping and rapid fire pounding, he stands to give her a full on facial as she takes it in with a smile gargling his cum.


"Oh for fuck sake, Jayden fell asleep again! I told you this porn sucked!"

Jayden Williams and J.W. Hardin
Trying for more accuracy apparently, we see Jayden Williams dressed like she slipped on some random clothing and J.W. Hardin who has a pot belly, no shirt, and pants down to his waist (now this is accurate!) as they argue for minutes on end why he parked his bike in her backyard. After even more really awful improv from both performers, the two begin to finally shut up and make out. Williams is set down along Hardin's bike as he takes off her pants and eats her pussy out, as she struggles to make a sound in her boredom. She gurgles, gasps, and does little else in the process. Continuing his tongue flapping, Williams makes nary a sound at all gasping and gaping wide with nothing to add to the foreplay and tongue lashing, and finally does down on him sucking him off as he cringes and moans like he's about to drop a shit on his bike seat. During the silent cock sucking he mutters something about jail and goes back to forcing a reaction from the obviously boring sucking off he endures. Finally he bends her over and begins to fuck her ass (did it turn in to night all of a sudden?) and fucks her from behind as she barely moans or cries out, just wobbling and cringing. She mounts him riding him wide spread and reverse cowgirl, and rides him cowgirl yet again. She finally sucks him off inspiring him to cum in her face, and I remain barely impressed at all. What a way to finish off this mediocre movie.

Audio/Visuals:
The audio is barely tolerable as much of the dialogue is quite horrible with the back and forths going silent during some scenes, responses are often barely audible and echo through the garage and during the final segment, the two performers can't muster up energy to speak loudly while the background sounds of planes and barking dogs are much clearer and well defined amidst the fucking. Meanwhile the visuals are dim and dank with pale colors and dizzying bold darks that blot out much of the scenes, especially when the final scene suddenly shifts to darkness. It's not a pleasant experience.

Goodies:
"Barely Legal: How it All Began" is a five minute goodie that is merely director Jimmy D. orchestrating scenes and not really explaining how it all actually began. I guess no one cares. "Behind the Scenes" is a twenty three minute feature about the behind the scenes hijinks including the camera man who sounds like Howard Stern flirting with the hot Mason Moore who shows off her tats and jiggly parts for the camera giggling and enjoying life. The camera man interviews all of the actresses and their background behind the camera, and it's an interesting feature. And beyond that there are your usual Hustler perks like trailers, URL's, and a slideshow, and nothing more. You also get the Select a Star function which is fun.

After Thought:
You can't call them barely legal if they don't look barely legal, and you can't call them biker girls if they can barely talk about bikes, ergo "Barely Legal Biker Girls" is a bust. While Mason Moore is extremely hot and sexy, the rest of the movie is tedious, obnoxious, dull, and just really doesn't take advantage of its concept in the end. Fuck it, I'm going to go watch "Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town."


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