Cast: Victoria White, Pike Nelson, Kaiya Lynn, Tommy Gunn, Sophia Santi, Lana Lopez, Priya Rai, Jack Lawrence, Nicole Ray, Jack Vegas Non-sex roles: Angelita Purrvertina, David Park
Length: 94:19 minutes
Date of Production: 2010
Extras: The extras were the cookie cutter standard, as expected with some trailers, a photogallery, spam, and a short Behind the Scenes feature lasting 2:58 minutes (even words misspelled on the menus showing how little care went into this one).
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Victoria White with Pike Nelson
Audio/Video Quality: This Ain’t Hawaii Five O XXX was presented in a fetching 1.78:1 widescreen color by director Stuart Canterbury for Hustler Video using MPEG-2 with the usual 480p resolution. The bitrate hovered around the 4.2 Mbps mark. There were no obvious compression artifacts, no grain to speak of, and I saw no macro-blocking or other issues that pop up; thanks in no small part to the proper lighting applied here in most cases. Even the editing was such that no one would take credit for it, the credits listing “Hustler Video Group” rather than out them but even the story elements were not attributed to anyone so make of it what you will. The summation of the visuals is that they made the show look decent, my biggest complaint being that the composition of the camera angles and editing were all over the map, looking like it was shot in a day, edited in two days, and lacked any quality control (editing by Leon Coffee striking me as unpolished at times). The audio was presented in 2.0 Dolby Digital stereo English using a 224 Kbps bitrate at 48 kHz in both versions. The vocals on the scenes were flat and even in most cases, the voice-overs sounding somewhat warmer in tone and always easier to hear, and the minimal music okay, the cute theme song not the best from the company but still appreciated.
Body of Review: Stuart Canterbury has been directing porn for decades now and his latest work is on display at Hustler Video. While I admit his miss to hit ratio is still pretty bad these days, he manages to chug parodies out on the cheap in little time, the likely amount of sales covering costs regardless of the quality of his shows. The most recent of these making it my way is This Ain’t Hawaii Five O XXX, a pornified look at a popular television series best known for Jack Lord, police dramatization, and the good guys always winning (hence the term “5-0” in reference to the police). I used to watch the show regularly but it has been years, my nature being that I wanted to see how badly this one would be mangled and whether it would be a tribute parody or a spoof parody. Here’s a brief look at the scenes by cast and action, noting that no condoms were used for those still interested:
Lana Lopez and Sophia Santi
Scene One: Victoria White, a sexy blond gal in a skimpy blue patterned bikini, met moper Pike Nelson on the beach, retiring to the hotel room where they engaged each other in bed. She kissed his goodies in his rapidly shrinking briefs, soon following up with an okay blowjob that concentrated on the head. He then ate her out with about as much enthusiasm, leading to a few vaginal penetration positions where she was at least active most of the time, the guy eventually rubbing out a wad of genetic juice to her ass.
Scene Two: Kaiya Lynn, a curvy Asian with a nice ass, was up next in the bar as she gave in to the advances of grabby Tommy Gunn, her sparkly outfit lifted to reveal a nice rack. He massaged her tits and she moaned a lot, his hands dropping lower to elicit a similar response. She then dropped to her knees to blow him, stroking his cock with her hand since she couldn’t get more than the head into her mouth, leading to a few positions of vaginal sex where he beat off to her face at the end of their tryst.
Scene Three: Sophia Santi and Lana Lopez, both attractive brunettes, were up next in a jail lesbian scene where Sophia was the sexual aggressor of the two. They were dressed like hookers and made little small talk, Sophia pawing her cellmate’s tits as Lana grabbed her ass. They kissed briefly, sucked on tits, and went down on each other with fingers and tongues, the lack of chemistry only slightly diminished by the fact that there were two hot chicks doing each other. Most of the best action here took place on the cot, the short scene ending with a kiss.
Scene Four: Priya Rai, the babe featured on the front cover, was up next on the beach with Jack Lawrence, when he played a hunch. Her colorful outfit from the cover was worn here and portions quickly removed so he would have greater access to going down on her, Priya going way overboard in terms of her fake porn moaning. Jack gave her a good licking though, her blowjob limited by comparison. She did keep eye contact though, some riding him in a moderately active manner as his pecker dove into her pussy. She was best when she was on top of him, Jack massaging her asshole when they were in doggy. This led to him unleashing his nut of population pudding on her ass cheek and crack, Priya looking at the camera.
Scene Five: Nicole Ray, a fetching young lady wearing nothing but a Hawaiian lei as she spread her legs on the desk of Jack Vegas, was up last as he went down on her and she responded with the typical fake moaning. They kissed a little and she went right to working on his pecker orally, throating him a bit though mostly concentrating on his head during the messy hummer. They vaginally boned in a couple of positions but she was very passive during the tryst, his load of spunk landing on her ass cheek.
Summary: This Ain’t Hawaii Five O XXX by director Stuart Canterbury for Hustler Video was another title that set the sights low and merited a rating of Rent It. While I really didn’t expect much this time, the plot elements did not merge too well with the sexual trysts, the resulting hodge podge movie coming across as most generic (and Jack Lawrence was a real cop for years so maybe they should have hired him in a greater capacity). The sexual pairings were not the best, lacking chemistry and energy more often than not, the reliance on looks over skill evident in most cases. In short, I evaluated the movie as a parody that advertised itself as such, the result being that This Ain’t Hawaii Five O XXX fell far short of what other companies are making these days but there was some minimal stroke value if you are a huge fan of the cast.
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