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Teen Splash

Studio: Wicked Pictures » Review by Crimson Clown » Review Date: 1/12/11

XCritic's Advice: Skip It

Me after the opening credits: Oh... so that's what they mean by "All sex."

And it's really just... all sex. I mean sure I expected some sort of premise with this being Wicked Pictures and whatnot. "The Chatroom" was nowhere near being a masterpiece, but it tried. It did that at least. "Teen Splash" is what it is. It's teen pornstars fucking in, on, and beside a pool. Actually it's not even a normal pool, it's one of the pools on a cliff that you think you're going to fall over but you really don't.

What? I'm trying to make this review of this bad porno exciting.

Anyway, this ninety minute movie is basically just teens fucking among water and it gets boring very quickly. Kimberly Gates is floating on a raft soaking in the sun. She takes water and sprinkles it along her small chest. She puts a grimace as if the water hurts her and suddenly she's in the arms of a bald large man. This arouses her in to fingering herself, we're then shown her getting it cowgirl, and then she fingers herself, then there's reverse cowgirl. What annoyed me was the whole format of this fucking thing.

Are these girls fantastizing about fucking men, are they dreaming about fucking men, are they remembering their fucks with men, or are they psychic? In either case it's never made clear for the audience. But we see edited footage of the girls fingering themselves, while director Zander cuts to scenes of them getting royally fucked raw by their male performers.

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For what it's worth "Teen Splash" at least has some damn good audio, which doesn't make much of a difference considering there's no damn dialogue! Why can't a movie with foreplay and set ups have such vocal audio? In either case, Kimberly gets her pussy royally eaten out by her bald friend who appears out of the water to eat her pussy out much to her delight causing her to groan and scream every single second.

He then gets his turn in by getting his cocked suck and we see Kimberly sucking him ad nauseum looking at the camera and choking on his shaft. And as she predicted (?) she rides her mate cowgirl getting pounded from below as she cries out. This is then intercut with Kimberly fingering herself again, what?!

Zander for godsake, don't get artsy fartsy on us, just feature these women fucking around water! Stop with the fancy editing tricks.All of the segments are mere practices in tedium and repetition and don't provide a strong argument for investing time in "Teen Splash." Althought the porno is ninety minutes in length, there's not much to see here. For my money, the segments work better with some sort of set-up and or premise behind them and there's nothing here. And when the performers do fuck on-screen, there's nothing really exciting about anything we're watching.

Director Zander even enlists fancy editing tricks to keep our attention on the proceedings, but that didn't work too well after a while. Why show us a scene of what's going to happen four minutes later while the female performer is getting out of the pool? What's the point of that? Is that trying to act as a form of promising audiences that things get better and don't all feel like a swimsuit shoot for a low rate magazine?

I wanted to love "Teen Splash" mainly because Victoria White and Amia Miley are absolutely beautiful, but for a movie that is a lot less in running time than other porn productions, it doesn't give us much to work with, nor does it entertain us very much.

The audio and visuals are fantastic in this DVD. The audio literally booms from the speakers even when on low volume. The water crackles behind our performers, the women's moans and groans can be heard, and yes even sucking cock can be heard with great definition and nauseating glory. The visuals are incredible too with the colors coming in so crisp and excellently. The water is bright blue, and much of the bright scenery and landscapes look marvelous on screen.

There isn't anything for fans of special features here. We get a Bonus Sex Scene with Tanney Mayes and Dane Cross from Teen Alien Sex Dreams, and a photo gallery. That's about it. It's really nothing to scoff about in the end.

After Thought:
It's a shame that Wicked Pictures didn't seem to want to do more than just elicit a lot of tedious sex scenes for this ninety minute porn flick. But then I guess that's why it's called "All Sex." In either case, director Zander tries to get creative and fails, and "Teen Splash" is really a Skip It kind of feature. However you have to appreciate the wonderul audio and excellent video quality.

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