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Nutcracker - A XXX Parody, The


Studio: White Ghetto Films » Review by Crimson Clown » Review Date: 1/27/11


XCritic's Advice: Skip It

Wow, when they say a movie is called the Nutcracker, they really mean it, don't they? Never have I seen such an unarousing bit of amateur porn since White Ghetto Films "Nutcracker Parody." I'm not even sure you can call this a nutcracker parody as it's really just a bunch of pasted on scenes of badly choreographed and poorly made fuck scenes that do nothing to arouse the audience. Unless you're the type of guy that gets off on watching a woman beat the crap out of a guy's genitals over and over, I don't see what value this has for anyone. Again people are probably saying "It's called the Nutcracker, what did you think they'd do?" How about entertain?

"The Nutcracker A XXX Parody" is so awful, and so painfully annoying that it fails in being remotely funny or even remotely enticing. It barely inspired a chubby from yours truly. And that's impossible to do when we see a young girl kicking the crap out of her neighbor's junk when he pretends to be Santa Claus and sneaks in to her house. Match that with the fact that none of the women in this piece are all too attractive or appealing, and you have a surefire recipe for garbage. I'm still not sure what the appeal is behind such a film that looks so horribly made on a crappy camcorder.

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I don't love all mainstream porn, but some polish isn't too much to ask. The entire flick opens with a badly filmed introduction of someone reading a storybook and we enter in to the first segment where our actress is at home and is greeted by her santa claus. Aware he is her pervy neighbor intruding in to her home she punishes him by throttling his junk over a dozen times. It's so ridiculous it's not even funny. And they go for the whole "Hey it's a nut shot, so you must find it funny!" fail safe, and fail immensely because I'm not even sure why they resort to such stupidity in the first place.  And if that's not enough when she's blowing him, she bites down on his shaft! How is that porn?!

And sadly the entirety of this porn isn't all too different as we're reduced to two fucking hours of men being punished over and over and over ad nauseum while the women barely do any fucking. The performers don't even seem to commit to what they're doing even when they're fucking and sucking one another. The entire flick revolves around this consistent gimmick of genital punishment and for a guy who enjoys having his junk in tact, this isn't my idea of fun or sexy in the least. I'm not even sure you can classify this as a porno exactly as it's much more about punishing the crotch than rewarding it with a good time.

And what's worse if this had been two hours of men beating the crap out of sexy women, this would have garnered immense controversy. Double standards, much? Merry Fucking XXXMas indeed. Ow.

Audio/Visuals:
The audio sucks particularly during the introductions to the segments where the narrator's voice is so muffled it's impossible to understand and you're left wondering what the hell he's trying to set up. That is until you see a hand drawing of a woman biting on a cock, and then you're left holding your penis in protection. The video is terrible, often with stale coloring and an all too sharp definition that makes the quality tough to endure.

Goodies:
Among the small oh so small array of extras is a pop shots gallery and nothing else but the typical promotional bells and whistles for the company.

After Thought:
This is about as unpleasant a porno as I've ever seen and it's an absolute waste of time. Unless you're one of those poor fucks who gets off on watching men having their junk kicked and punched and bitten as they squeal like little bitches, "The Nutcracker a XXX Parody" is a surefire Skip It. The picture sucks, the audio sucks, there are no extras, it's a waste of time. Skip it!


Follow Crimson Clown: https://twitter.com/DeltonProuse

Email Crimson Clown! [email protected]



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