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Facts Of Life, The

Studio: Dream Zone Entertainment » Review by Don Houston » Review Date: 4/6/11

XCritic's Advice: Recommended

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The Facts of Life: A Porn Parody

Dream Zone Entertainment/Evolution

Genre: Parody


Director: Gram Ponante

Cast: Kodi Gamble, Rocco Reed, Raylene, Ryan McLane, Bobbi Braxton, Anthony Rosano, Ashli Orion, Lee Bangs, Kristina Rose, Coffee Brown

Length: 119:27 minutes

Kodi Gamble

Date of Production: 11/29/2010

Extras: The extras started off with a 3:52 minute long set of Bloopers, the cast flubbing lines and the crew calling them out on it. There was also a photogallery, some trailers, various spam, and a second version of the cover for those who care.

Condoms: None

Raylene with Ryan McLane

Audio/Video Quality: The Facts of Life: A Porn Parody was presented in 1.78:1 ratio anamorphic widescreen as shot by novice director Gram Ponante for Dream Zone Entertainment/Evolution. Using the crew of infamous Lee Roy Myers (this year’s Xcritic Director of the Year) and the man himself as producer, Gram was offered a chance to direct his first full movie, his exploits documented in the highly entertaining “A Porn Valley Odyssey: The Making of The Facts of Life XXX” for sale online. The technical aspects of the movie were all capably handled with proper lighting, smooth editing, and some solid camera work, the low budget production covering all the basics of a porno with all the usual compromises the industry is known for. There were rough edges in need of polishing up and some of the acting was on the laughable side, but ultimately, the standard definition release sported a 4.1 Mbps video bitrate, few compression artifacts, and looked better than the previous parody of the mainstream series shot by a seasoned professional. The audio was presented in 2.0 Dolby Digital English with a 48 kHz sampling rate and 192 Kbps aural bitrate, the laugh track and music suitable for such a sitcum project. The theme song was “Cracks of Life” by Fogelfoot, the movie originally scheduled to be released under that name from what I understand. In all, the technical aspects were decent enough, the scores of ensuing porn awards headed Gram’s way probably enough to cover his mantle for years to come.

Bobbi Braxton

-- sponsored by --

Body of Review: Gram Ponante is a character I’ve known for years now, the man branching into directing last year thanks to Dream Zone Entertainment. Gram has long been one of the most talented writers in the industry, coining the phrase “America’s beloved porn journalist”, due to his positive attitude and general manner of treating the performers as though they were humans instead of pieces of meat. His own self-titled website and Fleshbot are his most common locales for his work, Gram notable as someone who prefers to give a general overview of movies in his reviews and the highly entertaining prose by which he both praises and skewers those in need. His first directing job on a full movie is called The Facts of Life: A Porn Parody, a sitcum parody relying heavily on those with knowledge of the mainstream show to make much sense. As a friend of Gram, the following review is probably eligible for all sorts of cries about “conflict of interest” but having reviewed well over 7000 movies over the years, I can honestly say that it was good time, strokable, and had more replay value than projects costing far more, some of the credit due to Lee Roy Myers and crew. Starring hotty Kristina Rose, awesome Ashli Orion, popular MILF Raylene, cute Kodi Gamble, Bobbi Brixton and Coffee Brown, I dove in to watching it right after I read Gram’s near-perfect account of the making of the movie; anyone still interested in directing should consider it a true “must read”. It might surface again as Oprah Winfrey’s pick of the month during the upcoming sweeps week so don’t say I didn’t give you fair warning. Here’s a brief look at the scenes by cast and action, noting that no condoms were used for those still interested:

Ashli Orion

Scene One: Kodi Gamble, the fetching young blond featured on the lower left hand corner of the front cover, was up first in a sexual liaison with servant Rocco Reed in the bedroom. Playing Blair, the blond babe got out of the shower and dropped her robe on the floor, demanding Rocco service her as part of his duties. They kissed as she stood there in her black thong, Rocco moving his lips down to her erect nipples before she gave him an active blowjob, her eye contact elevating the quality of the action. This led to several positions of vaginal sex, Kodi starting off passive but getting more enthusiastic as the pounding of her pussy continued, the gal quite vocal in her appreciation of his pecker tearing into her. The scene ended with a titty pop (despite her accusation of an eye pop), the genetic juice proving her physical appeal to the man.

Kristina Rose and Coffee Brown

Scene Two: Raylene, the large breasted MILF featured on the center of the front cover, was up next as Mrs. Garrett, the woman in charge of the ladies. She was dispensing motherly advice when headmaster Ryan McLane, came in under a lot of stress. Thankfully, Raylene looked nothing like the original character, her ample bosoms swaying as she proceeded to drain his tension in a blowjob-only scene. Sure, he felt her up and they kissed but the way she treated him during the extended gave me pause to remember that experience often trumps youth when it comes to sexual expertise, I just wish her sweet ass was on the line given how much I have long appreciated seeing it (including in person years ago). Raylene used a combination of hand to gland combat and oral techniques to drain his balls dry of population pudding, the gal tossing off his load onto her chest before it ended.

Scene Three: Bobbi Braxton, the tough looking brunette seen on the lower right hand corner of the front cover, was up next as Jo, the streetwise tough that came to the series in the second season. The insider joke of her Australian accent aside, she was as bossy as the mainstream character, demanding moper Anthony Rosano help her take off her clothing before going down on her. Her all natural figure helped her appeal and Anthony went right to hammering away at her snatch on the bed, kissing her feet before she slobbed his knob aggressively. She then climbed back onto his pecker to ride him soundly, holding her ass cheek spread wide for the camera as the meat puppet did his job. There was some intermittent oral taking place too, Anthony rubbing out a nut of spunk to her chest and Bobbi sucking him clean.

Scene Four: Ashli Orion, a surprisingly strong performer who was amazingly not displayed on the front cover, was up next as a young Mrs. Garrett, the flashback sequence centering on her youthful tryst with well hung Lee Bangs, in an interracial bang. She was wearing a blue and white checkered top, her labia showing under her skimpy panties as she took matters into her own hand. She started undressing him and they kissed, Ashli dropping down to her knees to admire his thick black cock. The look in her eyes was priceless too, the gal aggressively inhaling his pecker and Lee throating her as she made it clear that she had few prohibitions regarding a cock of any color. Lee licked her briefly in return, preferring to start drilling her pussy with his now fully erect cock as she squealed in delight and masturbated. Her pussy lips engulfed him and milked his round of spunk, her juicy snatch impaling itself on him until he lost his load of semen all over her chest and neck.

Scene Five: Kristina Rose, my favorite little babe of the movie (as seen on the upper left hand corner of the front cover, and black Coffee Brown, seen on the upper right hand corner of the cover, were up last in a lesbian tryst as brainy Natalie and flighty Tootie consummated their long suggested admiration for each other. This was another case where the cast looked nothing like their mainstream counterparts except for their skin color, the simple fact of the matter being that I’d rather see these two eating each other out any day. They kicked Kodi and Bobbi out of the room (sadly, that tryst was not completed) and went at it on the bed, fingering and doing lots of oral, a flesh colored vibrator tearing into Coffee as lovely Kristina stuffed it inside her friend. Both ladies were highly fuckable and while Kristina was the superior performer by far, Coffee had a fetching ass too. They ended it with a wand vibrator to get off with, kissing lightly as they relaxed and felt some boob before the ending dialogue.

Summary: The Facts of Life: A Porn Parody by director Gram Ponante for Dream Zone Entertainment may well put a scare in Robbie D. when it competes against Top Guns later this year and gives Axel Braun a reason to up his game from Superman XXX in his upcoming superhero titles. The fun factor of the dialogue enhanced the parody as a whole and while it shouldn’t be compared sexually to any of the hardcore gonzo fuck flicks on the market, Gram proved that he had what it took to move from writing to directing so I rated it as Recommended for anyone that enjoys the cast of cuties populating the scenes. Kristina Rose and Ashli Orion were my faves of the show but none of the ladies were tough on the eyes so it should serve as decent spank bank material for any straight males. In short, The Facts of Life: A Porn Parody will hopefully be only the beginning of Gram’s directorial efforts in coming months, perhaps future budgets will include anal, more choices in casting, and enough time to be selective and do things the way he wants instead of cutting so many corners. I reiterate that anyone interested in porn should read his online book, “A Porn Valley Odyssey: The Making of The Facts of Life XXX”, to see just how things work in the industry, the man rolling with the punches as he pulled together this strokable effort.

You can email me with questions at Houstondon @ hotmail.com if you have any constructive criticism of the review too. :) Also you can follow me on twitter @HoustonDon

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