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This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XXX


Studio: Hustler Video » Review by Vincent Pierce » Review Date: 9/10/11


XCritic's Advice: Watch On Demand

GENRE: Spoofs, Parodies

DIRECTOR/PRODUCER: Stuart Canterbury

CAST: Lee Stone, Jazy Berlin, Tommy Gunn, Sean Michaels, Jayden Cole, Asphyxia Noir, Brandy Aniston, Missy Maze

LENGTH: 110 mins.

AUDIO/VIDEO: The audio quality is good as I have come to expect from Hustler DVDs, this however isn't the most important part of this DVD experience. Hustler has decided to make this XXX parody a 3D feature presentation. The 3D part wasn't actually that impressive though. I've seen much better in mainstream movies, but being this is an adult film I could understand it not being top quality in that department. The movie itself is presented in a widescreen format that can easily be viewed without the use of 3D glasses, but the glasses definitely help. If you have a 3D television it might prove to be the better choice.

OVERVIEW: This triple X rated parody uses bit's and pieces of plot from the 1980's movie 'Conan the Barbarian'. It is definitely no copy though. While the director did attempt to mimic the costumes, characters, and make-up effects of the original movie down to the finest detail, he did so without making a total copy of it. The cast of performers actually looked, and acted a lot like the original actors/actresses they tried portray. As far as the plot goes it seemed to skip around a lot, and wasn't solid.

CONDOMS: None

 

This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XxX (Review)

 

I want to start off by saying that I'm a long time Conan the Barbarian fan. I've watched all of the movies, and even collected the comic books. I'm also a fan of such fantasy artists as Boris Vallejo who often times created illustrations, and artwork of Conan and his many battles. You could definitely say that I know a lot about Conan. When Xcritic posted that 'This Ain't Conan the Barbarian XxX' was up for review I didn't think twice of taking on this adult DVD. I was really excited, and when I learned that it was going to be in 3D it was like a fanboy's dream come true.

Before starting the DVD I had to locate some 3D glasses. For some reason there weren't any in the case, but they may have been actually removed before being delivered to my house which was a total bummer. I borrowed a pair from one of my other DVDs, and popped the bad boy into my DVD player. I wasn't too happy about having to sit through Hustler's sex talk ads, but when the start menu came on I was like WOW! The start menu itself featured some quite impressive 3D features/clips that flew by the screen in fragments. After seeing this short intro I was seriously hyped about the movie ahead.

 

-- sponsored by --

Sadly I was majorly disappointed by the first sex scene in the parody. It included the imprisoned Conan (Lee Stone) flailing his sword around as the sex slave girl (Jayden Cole) masturbated for 13+ minutes in front of him without him so much as looking interested. The fans of the original movie will likely recognize this scene's origin. A lot of the elements from the original movie were there, but the location was different. I wasn't really thrilled watching Jayden Cole play with herself for the majority of the scene. It took away from the role of Conan, and made him look like an idiot. If I were in his place I sure as heck wouldn't have be swinging around a sword like a total moron while a hot girl was masturbating right in front of me. I also don't think Conan would have either.

 

The second sex scene in the parody was actually fairly good. It featured the scene where Conan ends up at the witch's hut, and confronts her about his need for something to eat. Asphyxia Noir (the witch) in this scene does an amazing job deepthroating Lee Stone's massive cock. The sex was very enjoyable to watch, and included some doggystyle and missionary positions. I realize that I haven't mentioned it yet, but Lee Stone actually looks like Conan. He favors the artistic representations of Conan's character more though. His body build, is almost a perfect match to Arnold's from the original film. Asphyxia Noir looks a lot like the original actress who played as the witch which I though was cool.

 

Tommy Gunn plays the parody role of Subotai the asian archer from the original Conan movie. He didn't look exactly like the actor who played Subotai, but he was a close match. I was glad they chose him to be in this parody though. Tommy Gunn's sex scene is actually my favorite out of this entire parody. As Conan (Lee Stone), and Subotai (Tommy Gunn) venture into a one booth marketplace that is supposed to mirror a similar part of the Conan mainstream movie, they encounter a merchant and his topless wife who has a nice set of jugs. After being turned down for black lotus, and Swag (???) Subotai (Tommy Gunn) turns his attention to the merchants wife (Brandy Aniston). Reluctantly the merchant sells his wife's 'services' for the right price (Gold Coins). This sex scene actually takes place outdoors, and in the daylight. Brandy Aniston's blowjob, and overall sexual performance was amazing. I really enjoyed watching Tommy, and her perform together.

 

Lee Stone debuts in his second sex scene of this parody. This time Jazy Berlin joins him as his beloved Valeria. I have to honestly say that Jazy actually looked more like the actress she was copying than most of the other performers in this parody. She really pulled off that bossy/take control attitude that Valeria (the actress) was known for. The sex scene took place in a familiar night time campfire area that the fans of Conan the Barbarian will definitely recognize. Jazy Berlin performed very well in this scene. It was definitely cool to see Conan (Lee Stone), and Valeria (Jazy Berlin) hook up in a hardcore way that only an adult video can provide. I have to mention though that in the original movie the sex scene between Conan, and Valeria was pretty racy as well. If I remember correctly there was even some boobs shown in it.

 

The final sex scene involved Thulsa Doom (???), and the king's daughter (Missy Maze). The male performer who played the parody role of Thulsa Doom looked like the original actor (only a little slimmer). The scene was interaccial in nature, and the two performers in this scene actually did an ok job. It's definitely not the least of the five sex scenes. I think The solo masturbation scene takes the cake in that area. After this final sexual encounter the movie/parody is cut short with unworthy dialogue, and a rushed ending. This is immediately followed by the end credits.

After watching the entire parody I'd have to say that it seemed extremely rushed. The scenes actually skipped all over the place without rhyme, or reason. The plot was almost non-existant, and the acting was horrible (Except for Tommy Gunn & Jazy Berlin). I know that this is a parody, but it didn't appear to me that there was really any effort put into it's acting performances. The 3D effects were ok, but like I mentioned before they weren't that impressive. Most of the 3D effects just involved the foreground, and background effects. I did like the look alike cast of performers though. For the most part the performers really looked like you would hope for. The music included in the intro, and credits were also a nice feature that paid tribute to the classic 1980's movie of the same name. Considering all of this I think it's still worth a RENT, if only for the experience (and sex scenes).

 

EXTRAS


- Behind The Scenes

- Slide Show

- Sex Talk (Phone Ads)

- Hustler.com

 

RECOMMENDATION: Rent It


"I'm the man who coined the phrase "Same Sex Different Dame". If you're gonna produce porn PLEASE go all out, and don't fall victim to retro ruination. Innovation is king!"

- Vincent Pierce 2014 A.D.



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