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This Ain't The Expendables XXX


Studio: Hustler Video » Review by Don Houston » Review Date: 10/25/12


XCritic's Advice: Recommended


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This Ain’t The Expendables XXX

Hustler Video

Genre: Parody, Feature

Director/Writer: Axel Braun



Cast: Brooklyn Lee, Billy Glide, Jessie Andrews, Andy San Dimas, Kimberly Kane, Derrick Pierce, Lyla Storm, Brendon Miller, Alec Knight, London Keyes, Ana Foxxx, Ryan Driller
Non-sex roles: Tera Patrick, Kylie Ireland, Shaun Rivera, 2-Ply

Length: 98:05 minutes

Date of Production: 2012



Extras: The first disc had the usual spam and FSC commercial, followed by a slide show, a BTS slide show, some trailers, more spam, and a 35:21 minute long Behind the Scenes feature by Marc Star. It began with Tera Patrick providing an interview (her comments including having had a daughter 5 months ago, having not been on a porn set since 2006, etc) and progressed through many of the other cast members, some of the green screen effects and other aspects of the movie included. For the purpose of this review, I will consider the included 3D version of the movie (on a second disc) as the primary “extra”, two sets of anaglyph (red and blue) glasses included with the package. The 3D effect was generally not as pronounced this time, the majority of screen time used for the sexual liaisons and lacking in relative depth but it did show some merit proving Axel has learned from past mistakes in the field. You won’t mistake it for one of the mainstream 3D effects that use expensive technology but it was a cute means to enhance an already campy parody of an expendable movie (pun intended). There were no extras on the 3D version disc for those who care.

Condoms: None

Audio/Video Quality: This Ain’t The Expendables XXX was presented in 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen as shot by director Axel Braun for Hustler Video. The videographer was Jake Jacobs, the set design by XXX-Ray, editing by Axel, Mrs. Braun, and Claudia Ross with special effects by Level 5 Post; some green screen effects used primarily in a short firefight where the audience got to see one side of the battle. The standard version of the movie looked clearer and had minimal grain, the shadows appearing to be intentional but some of the camera angles in the trysts looking like a second camera would have helped a lot. The effects were on the cheesy side but added to the fun, the fleshtones accurate and the overall design appearing in line with a re-envisioned version of an already campy mainstream movie (I’ve seen both volumes of the action adventure this was based on and suffice it to say, I’m happy with the tremendous amount of liberties the director took with the characters and writing). The audio was on the basic side too with sound technician Seth Cardigan covering the vocals clearly enough, the aural effects and score combining to make this one a notch or two above the generic parodies so heavily populating the market. The 3D effect was on the slight side for most of the movie if you decide to check that version out as well, the effect not giving me the headache previous company efforts gave but not availing itself of many opportunities when it came to using the enhanced depth process either.


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Body of Review: Axel Braun has taken years to ascend to a high ranking spot on the porn parody pantheon but his work for companies like Hustler Video have had the cumulative effect of washing aside most of the competition. His most recent attempt at a parody is called This Ain’t The Expendables XXX, the movie a re-envisioned version of the mainstream action flick starring all sorts of action heroes from the big screen. In Axel’s world, the main element altered was to make the majority of characters women, smoking hot women at that, while giving them the chance to grandstand in campy parody form and shoot some guns. As expected, the feature elements were on the decidedly weak side but given the quality of acting in the mainstream original, I find it tough to find too much fault in this pornified version, the sexual trysts not all standardized as so many of Axel’s peers seem to do these days. I’m not going to ruin the plotted elements like some asshat reviewers do all the time but the story involved a rescue mission, with surprise cameos by Tera Patrick and Kylie Ireland in (sadly) non-sex roles. The back cover described the movie like this: “An all-star cast of hardcore icons, featuring a special appearance by Tera Patrick, headlines Axel Braun's explosive action spoof about a group of hot female mercenaries on a treacherous mission who are kicking serious ass...and getting some too! Guns, fights, motorcycles, and hot chicks all come together for Hustler Video in the 3D parody event of the year!” Here’s a brief look at the scenes by cast and action, noting that no condoms were used for those still interested:



Scene One: Brooklyn “Leah Christmas” Lee, playing a knife wielding biker chick just back from a lengthy mission, was all over her boy toy Billy Glide when she came to pay him a booty call and he was not as appreciative as he should have been. She was dressed as slutty as ever and ready for some love, tossing the guy on the couch where she straddled him as she massaged his growing bulge while he dripping pussy rubbed his leg. She kept her dominant role up by engulfing his turgid rod in her mouth to slob that knob aggressively, her oral skills always a delight to watch in action, Billy kicking back to accept his luck that she wasn’t kicking his ass for cheating on her too. Brooklyn actively rode his pecker vaginally and gave him some taste testing, Billy gobbling her gash before a few more positions led to his spunk bust into her mouth as she continued to provide great eye contact to establish their chemistry.



Scene Two: Jessie Andrews, the sweet little hotty so many have learned to appreciate over the past year, and established babe Andy “Tool” San Dimas, were up next on a generic couch as they hooked up. Andy was grumpy but Jessie brought her around, the pair taking off their shirts and booty shorts as they kissed and pawed one another, the lesbian tryst uninterrupted by any distractions once started. Andy left her boots on as Jessie ate her snatch, the two reversing roles for Andy to rim her affectionate little charge until they went into a 69 for them to both give and receive at the same time. Jessie sported a pronounced bush of pubic hair but this did not stop Andy from providing extensive mouth to muff resuscitation, the scene falling a bit short as it seemed to stop prematurely rather than get them all out hot for each other.



Scene Three: Kimberly “Bailey Ross” Kane, playing the leading role of the movie, was up next in a church where she knelt down to blow Derrick “Church” Pierce, Tera’s character passing on the proposed mission as too foolhardy. I understood the wordplay used to make this a blowjob only scene (see the BTS for Derrick’s own appropriate comments regarding the situation) but it struck me as a waste of talent to let a world class piece of ass like Kimberly be stuck without a single, full fledged scene. Still, she was up to the task of giving a wonderful hummer, giving ample attention with great POV eye contact as she licked, sucked, jerked off, and rubbed her tits on his rod to drain his balls dry of genetic juice.



Scene Four: Lyla Storm, a lean gal with an all natural body, was up next as a hostage in a jail cell having to deal with mopers like Brendon Miller and Alec Knight. They were goofy as all get out in their makeshift mercenary outfits, the humor intentional as far as I could tell until she made them an offer they could hardly refuse. She spread her legs while stuck in the chair, her white top lowered to reveal her small boobs as the guys spent less time pawing her crotch and more time getting blown. They roughed her up a little but she used her hand to minimize the depth their cocks could go into her mouth, Alec having more difficulty than usual getting hard until he started banging her pussy. The guys alternated between her mouth and snatch, some oral given to her but not a whole lot as she engaged them in taste testing of her juices off their rods. As she warmed up, she took more cock into her mouth but her strength was in actively riding the guys when she was on top of them. The scene then ended as they glazed her face with population pudding, the ball batter running down her face as the camera faded out.



Scene Five: London “Xin Yang” Keyes, Ana “Hale” Foxxx, and Ryan Driller, were up last as a means of celebrating the success of their mission, the other team members leaving the room as London started getting frisky with the man and bringing black pal Ana in on the tryst. London kissed both of them and then dropped down to excite his semihard pecker, Ana standing by his side to assist in persuading him to get fully turgid. The ladies then double teamed him with some effort placed on his ball sack, the sloppy head resulting in the ladies taking turns riding his rod. There was some face sitting too but it ended all too soon when he beat his meat onto London’s chest, allowing some of the splooge to grace Ana’s tongue as well though the semen was not swallowed.


Tera Patrick confronts Kimberly Kane


Brooklyn Lee and London Keyes shoot to kill


The team at rest


Kylie Ireland in a non-sex role (WTF?!?)

Summary: This Ain’t The Expendables XXX by director Axel Braun for Hustler Video was a fun romp with performers like Brooklyn Lee, Kimberly Kane, London Keyes, and others having some sexual trysts for the home viewer’s entertainment. The cameos by Kylie Ireland and Tera Patrick were amusing too, Tera’s version of the Arnold Schwarzenegger character on the wooden side but perhaps fitting as homage to her own roles throughout the years. In terms of the sex, the movie was strokable (though with some missed opportunities), the feature elements not as strong as I had hoped they would be, and the 3D effects not used as aggressively as they could have been but overall it was a cool little adventure worth a rating of Recommended for any fan of the parody genre, I just hope Axel gets more time and budget if he tries his hand at the sequel. In short then, This Ain’t The Expendables XXX was a big budget parody released too late to make it for most awards this year (per Empire and other retailers, it is not released yet) but certain to help set the bar for future endeavors as economic hard times make it increasingly tough to get a cast as high profile as this one had, the camp factor delightfully amusing as the kind of movie you can watch with friends and have a good time with so check it out.


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You can email me with questions at Houstondon @ hotmail.com if you have any constructive criticism of the review too. :) Also you can follow me on twitter @HoustonDon



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