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This Ain't Die Hard XXX


Studio: Hustler Video » Review by Evan Leaf » Review Date: 8/15/13


XCritic's Advice: Watch On Demand

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Genre  Parody, Feature.

Cast Brooklyn Lee, Kimberly Kane, Leilani Leeane, Holly Taylor, Capri Cavanni, Ryan Driller, Billy Glide, Tommy Gunn, Derrick Pierce.

Duration 109 minutes

Condoms None

Director Stuart Canterbury

Audio / Video Shot and presented in HD with clear Dolby Digital audio.

Extras There are plenty of extras which add value to the disc purchase.   I'm counting the "3D" version as an extra.  It's the old-school 3D with the red/blue glasses.  I felt stupid watching porn with those things on.  The anaglyph visuals were ok, but didn't add anything to the erotic flavor of the film.  The 10 minute BTS segment was good for one watch, including some special effects reveals and cast interviews.

Overview Yippee Ki-yay! Porn parodies of mainstream movies and television shows seem to be all the rage in the industry these days.  This is my first shot at a parody review.  (For another take, check out Don Houston's review here)  I'm  looking forward to seeing Leilani Leeanne, one of the hottest Black (mixed) new starlets out.  

A Christmas party at the Hustler building in L.A. is where it all goes down.  As our hero is changing into his party clothes, a trio of buxom terrorists storm in and take over. The director misses a chance for a quick blowie from Sasha Heart; all we see of her are her tight-and-tiny T&A.  

The first sex is between the guy in the Santa suit (Billy Glide) and a young hottie who's been naughty. Holly Taylor is a porn prototype with two-tone blonde hair, full perky breasts and piercings in her tongue, tits, and navel.  She is the perfect Brittany Spears lookalike.  Her tight body was displayed best when she rode cowgirl.  From the BJ to all the sex positiopns, I thought this wasn't the best pairing, as she had trouble taking any significant amount of Billy's rather thick member.

In wasted casting, part 2, Phoenix Marie is shot down without even making it to a sex scene.  I feel cheated.  

Tommy Gunn must have taken some "acting class" that emphasized active hands to sell the lines.  I kept wanting him to just play pocket pool or something, instead of flailing around like some NFL analyst.  Gunn played the duplicitous weasel with help for the terrorists and ended up getting it on with head terror chick, Kimberly Kane.  As the lady with the biggest gun, Kane was able to demand more oral attention than Holly.  As the female lead, Kimberley got a pretty long scene with 4 or 5 position switches, and a shot on her trimmed bush to end things.

I felt uncheated when I saw that the next scene was Capri Cavanni in a solo masturbation scene.  She's pretty hot, and gets herself off a couple times(?) while using some signature Hustler brand toy.  I couldn't stop wondering why she was talking to herself throughout.  If you're looking for big tits, this scene is it.

In an earlier scene, Leilani says that she shows more cleavage to get attention.  She has the smallest bust of the female talent, and in the pre-sex exchange with Ryan Driller, they're joking about booby traps.  With Leilani, it's booty, not necessesarily boobies.  This scene had the best (better than average, not great) oral, and some standard, two position, car hood fucking.  If I wasn't such a big Leilani fan I would be more critical.

The two headliners, "Mr. & Mrs. McLane" get together in the final scene for a rooftop reunion tryst. (Brooklyn Lee & Derrick Pierce)  As a finale, they go a little more romantic, as in extended male on female oral and more kissing.  All the essential elements are present in terms of standard sex in a few positions.  Ended with another facial/chest finish.

Final Thoughts There were a lot of big names, special effects and an actual plot.  All of those elements make up a better than average porno.  This one too, was better than average. I was disappointed to find there was no anal, nor a girl/girl scene, two pieces I thought were in the big budget porn manuakl.  It's one worth watching for any fan of the Bruce Willis action franchise and any fan of the talent included.  For the mainstream audience, This Ain't Die Hard XXX is a Rent It; it's good for a watch or two, but not one I think would be on heavy repeat.  It seems more suited for a night in the frat house than couples viewing.


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