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Barely Legal #133


Studio: Hustler Video » Review by Pete Pornopolis » Review Date: 10/30/13



XCritic's Advice: Skip It

Machines, probably because they are made by humans, are imperfect; they require tinkering, some lube, occasional maintenence. Most times, though, machines get it right, churning out whatever the mold is set to make... that being said, gross deformities and one-off''s are sometimes produced.

With Barely Legal #133, I dropped my pants and suffered through this one so that you don't have to... maybe that should be my new tagline?

Barely Legal #133 failed to stimulate my cock or to fondle my mind...

The reasons why this DVD fails are pretty simple, and it's almost like a 'what NOT' to do when producing XXX in 2013: production value - little; hot girls - not so much; creativity - is lacking...

Scene 1: Chi Chi Medina

-- sponsored by --

Braces, I can deal with... missing a tooth, though?  Kurt doesn't care - he dives right into this chick...

The sex goes: blowjob, doggie, reverse cowgirl, missionary, spoon, cowgirl, doggie, standing 69 and then looking a little bit dazed and a LOTTA bit confused, Chi Chi drops to her knees and receives most of Kurt's Led Zeppelin... taking a page from my own personal playbook, Kurt plants it on her face and hair like a pro.

Scene 2: Ella Milano

I felt and cheap and deceived thanks to this girl; or pehaps it was the airbrush artist who made this girl look like Alyssa Milano on the DVD cover; who does this person report to?  Who's the boss you ask?  Well, the answer is not Tony Danza; it is Larry Flynt... maybe it's me - but I just don't see Samantha Micelli here... I wish I had seen her - I'm off to rent Embrace with the Vampire - you know the scene!

The sex goes: oral on him, oral on her, missionary, doggie, some nice cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, oral and a mediocre cumshot to the grill.  This girl has gotta change her name...

A petite thing, Tawny Tyler stars in our third scene.  In addition to the perky little breasts, Tawny also brings some abs (and shaved armpits, woo-hoo)... I will remember her for her ass; but being an assman, this is my thing.

 

The sex goes oral, doggie, cowgirl, oral, reverse cowgirl, spoon, doggie and closes with a dollop of jizz making landfall on Tawny's titties... 

Scene 4: Charlee Monroe

If weren't so lactose intolerant, perhaps the opening line by the construction man, "hey, do you need a 12-inch piece of wood?", would have been funny. Point of information: he lied - this guy's penis was not 12 inches long... and this chick likes to fuck with her boots on... yee-haw...

The sex goes: oral (on her briefly), oral on him, doggie, reverse cowgirl, cowgirl, some attempt at an acrobatic position, and then a blast of goo to Charlee's chest. Unimpressive scene, sorry Hustler.

Scene 5: Maddy O'Reilly (yes, this set does look familiar) & director Otto Bauer

Without question the best scene of the five, Maddy shows us why she is considered an up-and-cumming starlet.  Sexy little jean shorts and a pink tank top, Maddy is having her ass spanked within a few seconds...

Otto devours her shaved pussy, then Maddy returns the love on Otto's cock. Missionary, some cowgirl which inspired to me to contact Google and let them know that the search term 'sweet ass hole' should direct you to pictures of Maddy's butt, reverse cowgirl, some sexy doggie, reverse cowgirl revisited, oral and closes with a classic cumshot the the face.  

Barely Legal #133, in short, was boring and normal, failing to push boundaries or limits in any way. If Maddy O'Reilly hadn't brought the goods during the last scene, this review could been a lot worse than it was.  This DVD is not worth $20.  Going to the mall for a head massage for a half-hour with some Asian chick who may or may not not have her immigration papers - now that's a good use of a Jackson.

Overall, the girls were not impressive, the sets were sub-'High School drama production'; the premises of the scenes oozed cheese, the sex was average & normal.  Let's hope that the next installment gets back to the formula that made it so famous in the first place...



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