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Mike John's Totally Unprofessional 3

Studio: Jules Jordan Video » Review by Sex Reed » Review Date: 6/22/14

XCritic's Advice: XCritic Pick

Production date: 3/28/2014

Director: Tim Von Swine

Running time: 190 minutes

Condoms: No

Genre: Gonzo, anal

Cast: Veruca James, Savanah Fox, Dahlia Sky, Layla Price, Claire Robbins, and Tim Von Swine


Totally Unprofessional 3 by Jules Jordan Video
Watch FREE Adult DVD & BluRay Trailer

Scene one: Veruca James and Tim Von Swine

 “No one appreciates my pussy quite like you, Timmy,” Veruca James tells her costar and director, Tim Von Swine, as she’s telling him (and us) that she hasn’t done a traditional boy/girl scene in a few weeks. She looks stunning in her pink, plaid skirt and white, knee-high socks. She’s fun to watch because she’s very beautiful and looks like she’s enjoying every moment of the sex she’s having with her costar. I loved the dirty talk between Veruca and Von Swine, and the chemistry and friendship they have leads to some hot, dirty sex.

After she deep throats his rather large member and teases his balls (and more), it leads to a doggy-style fuck, and then cowgirl. Von Swine is one of the best POV directors around (if not the best) but here, using that skill along with a couple other tripods only gives the scene different perspectives that he couldn’t get with just holding the camera. They end up fucking in cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, spooning, missionary, and doggy-style, both anally and vaginally. Just when you think the scene is winding down, neither are finished fucking. Von Swine ultimately gives Veruca two cum shots, coming back to piledrive her pussy after a break for a few minutes. She just has an aura about her that seems blissful as much to watch her fuck as she is getting fucked. Nice job, both of you.

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Scene two: Savanah Fox and Tim Von Swine

The scene opens outside of Von Swine’s (in)famous Chateau, and it’s a nice, spring or summer day. You can see the power lines and aircraft that flies by, but you still want to remain focused on Savanah’s amazing body. She lets us ogle her body in her very short Daisy Dukes, before stripping down and letting Von Swine enjoy her. He eats her pussy from behind and fucks her doggy style before she sucks on his tool.

The action moves inside where it only heats up. Von Swine says that Savanah is one of his favorites to suck on his cock, and you believe him. She slobbers all over his dick. He fucks her again from behind first vaginally, but then he starts getting her asshole ready for him. She has the furniture she’s fucked on soaked with her juices when she squirts. I love watching her face as she’s taking it in a reverse cowgirl anal. After she takes his second load, they joke about how he thought he might go into cardiac arrest. Thankfully that wasn’t the case, but he would surely die with a smile on his face, if he did.

Scene three: Dahlia Sky and Tim Von Swine

Another scene that begins outside, this time with Dahlia in a full-body stocking with easy-access to her pussy. She’s a dirty blonde in every (good) sense of the word. When Von Swine asks what she’s here for, she says “to get cock in my ass” and he corrects to her to say “to be totally unprofessional.” But she wasn’t wrong the first time. Just before he fucks her from behind, he notes, “there are so many hard shadows, it’s so wrong and critics are going to complain.” I’m glad he reads us, but Dahlia is so beautiful I had other things to pay attention to. “But it feels so good!” She says as she’s taking it.

When they move inside, the scene continues with Dahlia crawling to give Von Swine a blowjob. He challenges her to see how deep she can take it without hands, and goes almost all the way down to his shaft. It’s an impressive feat of fellatio. He fucks her doggy-style, cowgirl, and on her side vaginally and enters her anally on her side. After taking her first cumshot, he gets some coconut oil and drips it on her backside and enters her ass again. A few more minutes of fucking leads her to taking another pop, this time on her perfect face.

Scene four: Layla Price and Tim Von Swine

Layla looks radiant in her orange bikini. She tells Von Swine that she’s from Maryland, but she still makes for the ultimate California girl because she has blonde hair and a great tan. She has a good chemistry with Von Swine from the first time they performed on camera together. She has a body that demands to be ogled on screen; the camera loves her curves. He fucks her from behind while outside, before taking the scene inside the Chateau.

“There’s nothing I like more than giving a wet, sloppy blowjob before I fuck” she tells Von Swine’s POV camera before getting to it. She delivers as promised, and it is one of the most enjoyable BJ scenes I’ve seen in a while. The fuck in a host of positions, mostly vaginally, but he does use “all three holes,” as promised in the interview at the beginning of the scene. She’s a willing, sexy partner that has a history and chemistry with her costar. It’s a hot scene to watch that demands continuous stroking from the viewer. She also takes two cumshots from Von Swine. This is the scene where Von Swine’s holding his camera while fucking his partner was the most visible, but the scene is so hot that it’s more of an afterthought.

Scene five: Claire Robbins and Tim Von Swine

Gorgeous redhead Claire enters the scene in a blue bikini that is too small to cover up the bush she has growing (must to my pleasure, only Layla Price is clean-shaven down there in this movie). They’ve worked together before, and you can tell there is a chemistry and mutual respect between the two. She says that it is over a year since they’ve worked together. They’re first in the living room, where she gives him a blowjob, before moving to the bedroom to continue.

In the bedroom, they have a hot 69 that he thankfully puts down the camera for. The scene uses a combination of POV and two tripods positioned to capture the entire bed. She gets fucked cowgirl and missionary in POV, and loves getting it from Von Swine. They have some spooning and doggy-style before she takes her first of two loads from him. The first on her butt, the second on her face. There is nothing that leads to the second cumshot, but it’s all forgiven because of the preceding 180+ minutes were some of the hottest sex scenes I’ve seen captured.

Audio and video:

The video was shot in anamorphic HD with a 1.78/1 ratio. The audio and video quality is good-to-very-good with the audio sounding better indoors. The imperfections can be expected in a gonzo/POV film like this, and only make it a better viewing experience.


DVD extras include a thirty minute, behind-the-scenes interview with each of the five stars of the film, plus a cumshot recap, photo gallery, and additional trailers.

Final thoughts:

It’s been clear for a few years that Tim Von Swine has replaced Ron Jeremy as the heavyset everyman of porn, except he’s more enjoyable to watch on film. Von Swine hasn’t become an outsized personality, instead he treats the five women he costars with as the goddesses they are, but giving the fucking they crave. The mutual fondness he has for Claire Robbins and Veruca James perfectly sandwich this film and it makes the experience all the better. I’ve never seen another director thank each of the stars of the film in a personal way, and you believe he’s sincere and not just fucking someone because it’s a job. Von Swine doesn’t do anything to exploit or humiliate the women he fucks on film. He doesn’t call them sluts or whores or anything. It’s something that’s refreshing to see in porn and shouldn’t be overlooked.

Totally Unprofessional 3 turns all of its supposed shortcomings into assets: that Tim Von Swine doesn’t look like a typical swordsman, the handheld camera can be shaky because he’s holding it and fucking at the same time, the shadows outside, etc. But Totally Unprofessional 3 has the right stars and the right sexual energy between them. Von Swine also lets the camera linger after the cumshots, capturing what the stars say in that vulnerable and unguarded moment most porn directors stop. It’s a pause you need and savor before getting into the next scene. There’s not a lot of time wasted in its 190 minute run time.

And did I mention the sex is fucking hot as hell?

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Twitter: @SexReedXXX

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