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Toss My Salad 3: The Last Crusade

Studio: Pure Play Media » Review by Disco Dirge » Review Date: 2/20/04

XCritic's Advice: Skip It

GENRE: Anal/ Fetish
DIRECTOR: The Johnson Brothers
LENGTH: 105 mins with bonus material

Every once in a while, some trend comes along in the adult industry that shocks you, not because it is so alarming or disturbing, but just because it's so...well, weird. The notion of giving a willing partner a little butt play is, naturally, exciting and inviting. The concept of adding just a smidgen of oral enticement to the shenanigans does a good job of floating the boat. Red eye rimming can be a welcome addition, if not necessarily common amongst porn's private life consumer class. But for a lady to lube up her tongue, take a man's hairy asshole, ream it like a lemon half, add a healthy dose of bottled dressing or sticky syrup and proceed to clean out the crack is just plain bizarre. Sure, various sweet variations on food fun have remained a staple in sex, both as real life repast and as romance in the magical world of filmed sex. A little whipped cream on a tight, tanned ass or ripe, ready clit is pleasure replete. But to anoint an anus with Heinz 57 and munch down with relish (or mustard or BBQ sauce)? To smear a shithole with spaghetti sauce and manga likes it's momma's manicotti? Heck, to put food UP something that normally delivers the table scrap leftovers is incredibly disquieting. But this doesn't stop companies like Pure Filth from creating a DVD series based solely on butt banquets. Somewhere out there in the world of porn there must be entries odder than the Toss My Salad films, but what they are defies description. Maybe some manner of sock puppet fetish snuff sex cinema, where women repeatedly take little felt finger friends into their juicy nether region. Once satisfied, the gals hurl the hand harlequins into a blazing bonfire. Perhaps eager guys with their meat in their mitt and a pyromaniac perversion are just standing around, inhaling deeply.

Toss My Salad 3: The Last Crusade (what does Indiana Jones have to do with assholes, aside from his connection to George Lucas?) is not exactly what you'd call spontaneous. As well choreographed, act and sequence wise, as a hardcore Ice Capades, each segment starts with the men bent over, asking the women to "toss their salad" (some admonish to "do it right"). After speaking their paramour's entire proper name in a very strange, non-sexual manner, the guys get ready as the women prepare to work unadorned boy bum for a few minutes. They treat their taste buds to the occasional trip to the taint or the testicles as well. Once the pucker is perfectly polished, it's time to service the sausage. We get the standard variations on the whole cock to mouth, lips, tongue and throat hierarchy (mathematically speaking, that's like 17 possible combinations) and after the rocket is readied for launch, it's lunchtime. A generous helping of healthy, nutritious liquid love is lathered along the loins and male love canal and it's not long before a delicious sphincter gravy is ready. The women do a little dine and dash, return to the main course of tube steak and finish off their trip to the "salad" bar by taking a money shot somewhere on their face.

Nothing much different occurs over the course of the eight scenes offered here. There is a mix of young and old, various ethic groups and body types. Apparently, the "tossing" of one's personal spring mix is an equal opportunity tryst. The condiments employed are multi-cultural as well, though the thought of some of them mixed with male musk, pre-cum and intestinal mucus gives a whole new meaning to the notion of ipecac. This means that, frankly, there is nothing the least bit sensual or arousing here. If you find the notion of eating a serving of Jell-o pudding out of someone's rectum a mainline to masturbation, then this DVD is for you. As is a straight jacket to the local cooking club funny farm. Individually, we are treated to the following food fuck follies:

Scene 1: Gen Padova and Juan Cuba
Condiment of Choice: Yellow Mustard (Plochman's perhaps?)
10 mins
Cuba has got this issue with deep throating that is highly aggressive. Here (along with his scene with Trinity James) he is constantly grabbing the back of his partner's head (in this case Gen Padova) and cramming his cock way down yonder into their gag reflex. The women obviously don't respond well to it and the whole thing is rather unseemly. Also, Cuba has a really ugly dick. So uncircumcised that all he has is a tiny hole at the end of the foreskin (even fully erect...eww!) his penis is pink, pointed and looks like an overstuffed kielbasa. Just what the hardcore fan is looking for, huh. Gen, decked out in pigtails and no personal pride is less than enthusiastic about giving Cuba's hairy hinder a tossing. She appears to be going through the motions a lot of the time. Score: 2/10

Scene 2: Lena Ramon and Bishop
Condiment of Choice: Bottled Zesty Italian Dressing (Mama Mia!)
9 mins

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Bishop is a black man with one of those shapely bubble butts. He is also rail thin, so his ass makes him appear effeminate. Lena is into this scene at least and she plays it to the hilt. Big B adds some vocalizing as well, though he often sounds like he's going to take a dump, not sing in sexual ecstasy. Lena is wearing a tight rubber dress throughout most of the scene that gives the sequence some added kink (as if licking salad dressing off a dude's poo conduit wasn't twisted enough) but said outfit seems to have a mind of its own. Sometimes it's on. Sometimes it's completely off. It may be asking too much, but perhaps a continuity specialist should be hired to keep all elements of this Nicoise nonsense straight. When Bishop finally blows, it is all over Lena's face and mouth. Score: 2.5/10

Scene 3: Taylor Kross and Andrew Riviera
Condiment of Choice: Bottled BBQ Sauce (hopefully it's extra BOLD)
9 mins
If there is such a thing as a "good" salad tossing scene, this would be it. Taylor is very aggressive, not afraid to challenge Andrew's man channel with real vigor. Andrew responds by depositing one of the most profuse loads ever recorded on video all over her face (with a couple of quarts going right in her eye!). As for the Cesar sequences, BBQ sauce looks a whole Hell of a lot like blood and the vampire/Goth connotations of Taylor lunching on Andy's "bleeding" bottom is, for the want of other words, intriguing. It provides a whole domination/dominated bottom-top dynamic that propels the scene forward into fetish heaven. While Taylor's decision to go with pigtails may have more to do with sticking her head in a dude's dumper than aesthetics, it does make her look kind of dopey (not that cramming her kisser into a butt full of Bull's Eye inspires a sense of intelligence). Score: 3.5/10

Scene 4: Trinity James and Juan Cuba
Condiment of Choice: Bottled Creamy Ranch Dressing (talk about your hidden valleys...)
10 mins
Mr. Weird Wang is back for another hopeless helping of his hindered horse dick and the results are equally bizarre. This is the very definition of anti-porn. It has no sense of the erotic or the sensual. Cuba's ass full of ranch dressing, flowing and dripping in dollops makes it seem like he's a soft serve frogurt machine (one stool swirl please) and the climax takes so long you can literally see the crew standing around taping their feet, waiting for our lumbering Latin lover to pump out the baby makers. But the most telling aspect of this scene is the look on Trinity James face as she licks, laps and loogies. This woman HATES what she is doing. She doesn't mind the standard shaft swallowing. But get her near the booty and she's not hot and very bothered. There is discomfort in her eyes and action, and nothing kills carnal pleasure more than a sense of unease and desperation. Score: .5/10

Scene 5: Amber Wood and Dwayne Cumminz
Condiment of Choice: Canned Whipped Cream (what, not fresh made?)
8 mins
Dwayne is our second African American male and he and Amber make a good couple. There is actually some variation within this scene, since Amber enjoys Dwayne's nuts and gives them a good tongue bath while he squats over her. When we get to the ass adornment, Amber goes all out and accents many areas of Master Cumminz chaises for further food vice value. She ends up spraying a line of yummy whipped cream down the center of his penis and spends a lot of time licking and sucking it off. He responds by giving her his own version of a non-dairy topping. Still, the scene does have some boring moments where the action tapers off and it's about this time when you start to realize that nothing new is ever going to happen on this DVD. Score 2/10

Scene 6: Lizzy Law and Dino Bravo
Condiment of Choice: Mamma Bravo's Special Recipe Pasta Sauce (Thank God it's not Prince Spaghetti day)
7 mins
OOPS! Spoke to soon. Runner up for the second best scene on the disc, if only for what Lizzy does once Dino's derriere is filled with marinara. After pouring about a quart of red sauce down his backside, Lizzy snacks away. She even takes the motif one step further by digging out some Doritos and using Bravo's butt hole as a dip holder. She proceeds to take a chip, insert the corner into the tomato festooned sphincter and loads it up with shit salsa. Then it's munching time (Yum-O!). She does it another time before she gets to the sperm spa treatment all over her face. While Lizzy is very aggressive and we get a little tit fucking to break up the sequenced monotony, it's the fried tortilla treat that makes the action so...appetizing? Score 3.5/10

Scene 7: Liza Harper and Rod Fontana
Condiment of Choice: Bottled Low Calorie French Dressing (Ass juice is high in calories)
11 mins
After the fart valve fiesta of the previous scene, one naturally hopes that the next scene will equally explore the anus as snack food receptacle. Sadly, this boring scene between Liza Harper and the bald, hairless homunculus Rod Fontana is back to the same old boring blowjob and butt licking. The only difference in this installment is the weight watcher employment of low-cal salad dressing, which only makes sense. If in your private life you engage in this activity frequently, you stand to put on a pound or two. While Atkins has approved the colon as part of a protein intense, carb corralling health regiment (along with the cum that is shot all over Liza's face and mouth) the oil and vinegar accompaniment may throw your diet completely out of whack. So Liza and Rod are just proving that you can toss your salad, and still stay slim. Otherwise, the scene is as dull as dishwater. Score: 1/10

Scene 8: Cherry Poppins and Dino Bravo
Condiment of Choice: Bottled Chunky Applesauce (also makes the perfect fake puke)
9 mins
Howard Stern used to feature a freak on his radio and TV show that enjoyed having women vomit on him for sexual release. If you've ever had the slightest inclination about what something like that would look like, here is your nauseating insight into said act. After the initial rimming and mandatory BJ, Cherry Poppins pours about 7 pounds of the most chunk-filled, yellow/brown fruit puree all over Dino's bum, and then forces herself to indulge. The key word here is "force", since Cherry despises this act. As she licks, she turns her head slightly away from camera and spits. A little tossing, a turn, and then "urp". She is so repulsed by the fact that this pork chop side dish is smeared all over some guy's groin area that she can hardly contain herself. Toss. Turn. Spittoon. Eventually the gunk gets all over Dino's junk and the final oral action has Cherry stopping to occasionally spew the residue. When he finally explodes on her face and in her mouth, the torture is over for all of us. Perhaps Pure Filth should find ladies who love, not loath, salad shenanigans before they start filming. Score 0/10

Toss My Salad 3: The Last Crusade is one of those entertainment anomalies, like the continued career of Jennifer Lopez or the success of The Blair Witch Project. It must function as some manner of indirect personality test. The FBI is, perhaps, tracking the purchases of this (and the proceeding two) title(s) to determine who the next possible threats to society will be. While that may seem overly harsh, the truth is that Toss My Salad is about as sexually mouth-watering as the notion of a male ass full of guacamole just waiting for a tongue sampling. Unless Mr. Cuba is choking the chicks with his deep throat jones, the head here is equally unexciting. Indeed, it's the novelty, not the nookie that is being sold and if the idea spins your sin, then belly up to the bum and indulge. But if your taste in porn runs to attractive people making flippy floppy with outdated ersatz jazz grooving in the background, if the most perverse thing you can tolerate is the occasional ball of phlegm flung at a dick or pussy for the sake of saliva, then Toss My Salad will most likely cause you to pitch those proverbial cookies.

The Video:
Filmed in an apartment setting with LOTS of extreme close-ups (actually, the 1.33:1 full framing is really nothing BUTT close-ups), the video transfer of Toss My Salad 3: The Last Crusade is professional and acceptable. No attempt is made at artistic composition or human interaction. When it's time to lick ass, the camera is right there with the participants. Oral is always in an overhead shot from the male perspective. While there is no flaring or bleeding, there is also no imagination or invention to the shooting style. Just get as close as possible, point and click.

The Audio:
Once the "Toss My Salad" mandate is uttered by the male actor, all we then hear is occasional moans, chokes and giggles. The Dolby Digital stereo is not overly loud and is almost always clear. But the filmmakers are obviously not using a separate sound kit for the recording, but are merely utilizing the digital camera's internal mic. Many times conversations or comments are lost, sounding like whispers. Besides, who cares what people are saying. This is asshole eating, not Shakespeare.

The Extras:
Perhaps the single most interesting aspect of this DVD is the 15-minute, Behind the Scenes featurette that consists of interviews with the performers before and after a salad tossing session. No one seems particularly pleased with the concept of ass eating, but there is still a light and happy atmosphere to the proceedings. What's most revealing are the post-act interviews. Some people, like Lena Ramon and Bishop look like they would fuck for a few hours the way they are crawling all over each other. But most of the girls complain about taste, about ass hair in the mouth, etc. Some are never spoken to post-event (Gee...wonder why?) and the questions can be rather retarded (Do you toss salad with your partner in real life?). Still, to see how a near-professional homemade porno is put together, especially to hear the actors in a more off-the-cuff, up close and personal manner, make the featurette absolutely fascinating.

Otherwise, the rest of the extras are superfluous space fillers. The biographies of the girls are merely measurements and ages. The still gallery is just shots taken during the scenes and there is that commonplace inclusion of phone sex ads that still boggle the mind in these days of easily available (and cheaper) Internet porn.

Final Thoughts:
There are some subsets of the adult community that fail to make a lot of sexual sense. From water sports to "bathroom" bukkake, seems like every possible variation on the tainted theme has been envisioned and videoed. So something like Toss My Salad 3: The Last Crusade is no so much astonishing as it is inevitable. But just because someone 'can' perform this tasteless trade doesn't mean it makes for dick stiffening entertainment. In reality, the Disco Dirge Peter Meter only ranks this DVD a paltry 1.5 out of 10, and there is NO WAY couples would ever find this a "share the love" kind of enterprise. So a Cohabitation Certification is withheld. And while it may seem unfair to ridicule the lifestyle choice of anyone else, this critic just can't understand salad tossing. Eating ass? Sure, no problem. Loves it and can't get enough of it. Food fetish? Well, there has been the occasional chocolate coating or cake frosting fun. But to get ketchup on your anus, or anus in your catsup does not guarantee a Reese Peanut Butter cup moment. In fact, by the looks of this adult DVD, it can be pretty disgusting and distressing. One has to imagine that there is a market for this kind of stuff. But its value is lost, even in the translation. So skip Toss My Salad 3: The Last Crusade. There are better ways to get your nutritional nuts off.

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