The Best of Cameltoe Perversions

Smash Pictures

Genre: Vignette

Director: Dirty Blunt, Kracka Blunt, Dick Quinn

Cast: Haley Paige, Juan Cuba, Steve French, Jamie Brooks, Steve French, Lauren Phoenix, Rick Masters, Nikki Loren, Brandon Iron, Avena Lee, Steve Taylor

Length: 102 minutes

Dates of Production: 3/24/2004, 8/2/2004, 8/5/2004, 8/7/2004, 8/10/2004, 8/16/2004, 8/18/2004

Extra's: The best extra, and it was nothing to write home about, was a nearly 15 minute long scene from the Stocking Secrets series. For those who don't know any better, this is the series that has women tease the camera without having sex other than the slightest of rubbing of their own body. I like this kind of thing just fine as a warm up but without completion, it amounts to a virtual cocktease. The other extras were some trailers and a photogallery.

Condoms: None

Audio/Video Quality: The Best of Cameltoe Perversions was simply a few scenes from the two (yeah, pretty lame huh?) Cameltoe Perversions releases out on DVD with no new cameltoe footage. Here's what I said about the technical matters on the two volumes: 1) "The picture was presented in the usual 1.33:1 ratio full frame color, as most such movies are released these days. The fleshtones were accurate and the other colors pretty solid too with only minimal grain and video noise getting in the way of a good time. Admittedly, there were some moments that looked worse and the shaky cameraman looked like he overdosed on coffee a few times but that was the exception rather than the rule. There was something on the camera lens in a few places too but I forgot about it after the action started. The audio was presented in stereo English, using the MPEG format rather than the technically better Dolby Digital, but aside from a few scenes where the vocals were too low at times, the audio was well done."
2) "The picture was presented in the usual 1.33:1 ratio full frame color, as most such movies are released these days. Unlike Cameltoe Perversions 1, the picture was somewhat worse this time with a lot of grain and video noise resulting from poor lighting and what looked to be weak DVD mastering. There were a fair amount of compression artifacts (I tried this one on three players, including my computer just to make sure it wasn't a fluke; even going so far as to clean the DVD between viewings) but most of the problem looked to be the result of issues deriving from the original shootings of the scenes. I didn't care much about the lens flare issues or angles (admittedly another weak aspect of the movie) but the overall impression I got from it was the movie was knocked out in record time on a low budget. The audio was presented in Smash Picture's usual MPEG format instead of Dolby Digital and instead of being too low this time, the audio was distortedly loud. The result of this was that even turning down the volume didn't keep the vocals and background noise from sounding lame and distorted (as though the speakers were far beyond their means to handle it). I hope they find someone better at audio for the next volume (maybe that guy will have a friend to handle the photography too)."

Body of Review: For those of you who don't know what a cameltoe is; it's the bulge of a woman's crotch when her panties creep up into the fold of her pussy. Like most men, I appreciate the female form, especially when an attractive gal is sporting this signal that she's ready to mate (although I prefer to practice mating as it's much cheaper than being a "baby daddy" as often as I want to have sex). While more companies are addressing this fetish, one of the early adopters was Smash Pictures with their release of Cameltoe Perversions 1 and Cameltoe Perversions 2. I really liked the first volume but the second volume had a number of flaws that ruined the fun for me so I had great hopes that the company's latest release of The Best of Cameltoe Perversions was going to add something more to the mix, including some new scenes with better technical values and extras. Needless to say, when I saw that it had five rehashed scenes with nothing worthy added on, including one of the weakest bonus scenes in the history of porn (from a non-sex series at that!), I was kind of cheesed off. Here's what I said about the original scenes, none of which appeared to have additional footage in this compilation:

Scene One: Cameltoe Perversions 1: Haley Paige, another gal wearing white panties for the cameltoe look, lounged outside her trailer park home as Juan Cuba peeped in. He walked up on her, jerking off as he approached, and she appeared distraught at the thought of this hairy beast sneaking up on her. Her act was to seem innocent and while I didn't buy it, it carried over to a somewhat weak blowjob. Once the screwing started up, she was among the best in the show, using her vocals to help coax out his load and pumping like a piston in an engine to get him off. I liked her thick ass and legs too and wish more time had been spent on them as the shaky camera filmed away. Fans of facials may dislike that she shut down when the pop shot approached but it wasn't that big a deal for me.

Scene Two: Cameltoe Perversions 1: Jamie Brooks, a curvy British blonde with plenty of her baby fat still clinging to her lovely body, and Frenchman Steven French had a scene after he interrupted her workout on the porch. She was wearing the skimpiest of clothes and the stepper machine caused her shorts to ride up her juicy pussy, causing the cameltoe here. He was hairier than Ron Jeremy but she carried the scene using her patented energy as I thought she would. From the charged oral to the bouncing bonage, she was well worth checking out for her performance. Fans will like that she took a decent sized load to the face although that wasn't the reason to watch this scene.

Scene Three: Cameltoe Perversions 2: Lauren Phoenix, started off the action with a collage of bits from the scene and soon came to tease the camera a bit as she talked about cameltoe car washes (sadly, while she did so, the camera was showing the street; what a genius move that was…). In any case, Rick Masters bought a cameltoe bike wash for his motorcycle and she obliged him as she rubbed it down and got all soapy wet in the process. Her powerful legs and sweet (though big) ass weren't at their best here as she needed to tone up but I still thought she was a hotty. They each did oral on one another after that, with a modicum of energy, before moving onto the screwing vaginally and anally with the taste testing as usual. The dirty talk was hot and the overall scene wasn't bad but it did lack chemistry and some of her usual passion; making it solid for fans but average for others. It ended with her jerking him off to her mouth but her attention was on the camera and not her partner with her avoiding the swallowing fans want to see.

Scene Four: Cameltoe Perversions 2: Nikki Loren, a curvy brunette with a cute smile, was up next after Brandon Iron gave what amounted to a very weak imitation of Steve Irwin's Crocodile Hunter (calling himself "Cameltoe Hunter"). I was hopeful that they'd keep the action outside but the sun seemed too bright for the camera setting used and it actually looked better indoors (not usually the case in porn). He gave her a bit of oral but she gave him a lot better and the couple was soon screwing like old friends inside. I liked her ass and legs too although they were also in need of some time at the gym and fans wanting their performers lean will not be as forgiving as I have been (she's still cute though), even as she proved her skill level as exceptionally warm. Fans may be disappointed to learn that while she did PTM (pussy to mouth) she avoided anal altogether, making the scene weaker than it could've been. It ended with a moderate pop shot to her nose (maybe this is the new "thing"?!?) and her toying with him to close.

Scene Five: Cameltoe Perversions 2: Avena Lee, an Asian gal with a dirty mouth and pretty face, was up next with golfer Steve Taylor in a short called "hole in one". He putted golf balls towards her awaiting pussy and ass; a decidedly narrow market niche from what I gathered. I suppose this scene will appeal to her fans but the oral, straight and pop shot to the face were all as generic as I've seen in a long time. The positive aspect of the scene was that the playfulness at the beginning didn't really hurt the action, just took up time that could've been put to better use. She took directions well and if you like overly directed women in porn, this may also offer you something extra to enjoy. As for me, I'll pass since there wasn't a lot to really get into here unless you're a butt kissing fan (i.e.: kissing her butt over this weak scene).

Summary: The Best of Cameltoe Perversions really wasn't "the best" of the whole two disc series as the scenes were all used before and not the best offerings at that. It did look like the scenes from the second disc were cleaned up a bit but that's a small benefit for this one and I'd strongly urge cameltoe lovers to buy the first disc in the series or look elsewhere. If the series had run a dozen more volumes, if there had been newly shot scenes, or if something more than a slight reworking of the technical aspects of the last three scenes had been on the plate, I could see the benefit to the compilation but for what you get (in a day and age of many exciting alternatives), I can only rate this one as a Skip It.