First Impressions:
Having suffered through Mario Rossi's previous movie Madam Curtis (the sex was okay, but the storyline was scattered and almost impossible to follow) the Dirge did not hold out high hopes for this offering. After all, it seemed to be trying to tap into the entire Desperate Housewives phenomenon - which, actually, has been over for about six months. It didn't help matters that the talent offered was mostly non-A list actors. The final nail in the creative carnal coffin though was the actual sex scenes themselves. Mario just can't keep his concepts clear. He obviously comes from the European arena of arousal where the inside of a lady's private parts are as desirable as some heavenly head. Then he tries to Americanize his XXX tenets by goofing up his gratuity. The result is a catawampus selection of fuck and suck.

The Sex Scenes:

Since many of the scenes have scripted material before the balling, we have to suffer through some pretty crappy acting. There are a couple of actors in particular who should not quit their day job of screwing men for money. In addition, the selection of sex partners here is pretty pathetic. Only Mario can fully rise to the occasion, while Marco's mighty underbite, Jack's puffy pinkness (and horrid tattoo), and Franchy's fixation with a certain body part really ruins the action. On the plus side, there is lots of anal here. These gals just love it up the butt. On the downside, many of them have boob jobs so bad that trannies feel tempted to laugh at them.

Scene 1: Bailey O'Dare, Marcos Banderas

Acts Performed: Blowjob, Large Dildo Play, Mish, V to M, Reverse Cowgirl, Cowgirl, Anal Doggy, Anal Reverse Cowgirl with Dildo DP, Dildo V to M, $hot on Face and Mouth
Score: 2 out of 5

The set-up: Bailey is in her car, on the phone with a friend, complaining that her husband doesn't satisfy her needs. Before you know it, she slams into Mr. B (riding a bicycle no less) and offers to help him out when she learns the accident has damaged his dick. And what's the best possible CPR for a dented dong? Why, a little hardcore sex, that's what. The Dirge actually hates Mr. Banderas as a performer. He's a lox, obviously employed for his cut body and bendy boner. But he really never connects with his costars, and Bailey seems like one girl eager to try. Doing everything she can to enliven the scene, she is stuck with a true slab of shaft as a paramour. Thankfully, the large dildo our actress employs is far more animated.

Scene 2: Ginger Lea, Steve Franch
Acts Performed: Foreplay, Blowjob, Cunnilingus, Mish, Cowgirl, Vaginal Gaping, Ass Slapping, Ass Fingering, Doggy, V to M, Reverse Cowgirl, Spoon, $hot in Mouth
Score: 1 out of 5

The Dirge went to graduate school, but it wasn't to get a degree in gynecology. If Mr. Franch is so eager to show off Ms. Lea's cervix, he should pony up the cash for a surgical camera and simply shove the lens up her loins. There are so many shots of this mush-mouthed meat puppet (he's FRANCH - get it? French? Franch? Oh, never mind) tugging open Ginger 'gina that we eventually find ourselves on a first name basis with her internal organs. The first time this critic saw a sequence of non-stop gaping, he was totally taken aback. The immediate thought that crosses his mind was "what do men like about looking inside a woman's womb?" Since this scene starts off with an annoying seduction set up where our Parisian putz tries to chat up a barely exercising Ms. Lea (she gets winded just standing around), the frequent vaginal exams make an already aggravating smut installment almost intolerable.

Scene 3: Davia Ardell, Mario Rossi
Acts Performed: Cunnilingus, Blowjob, Tit Fucking, Face Fucking, Cowgirl, Flying Cowgirl, Mish, Pile Driver, V to M, Salad Tossing, Doggy, $hot in Mouth
Score: 2.5 out of 5

After being dropped off by her obviously foreign spouse (he has a few lines of almost indecipherable dialogue) Ms. Ardell jumps into Mario's SUV, and off they go for a little addled adultery. After all the goofy sound effects (including a car crash, a collection of barking dogs and an off screen cat being hit by a shoe) we finally get down to the diddling, and it wavers between hot and hopeless. Davis has double D cups that are so large that they look practically pasted on. They pull her skin uncomfortably tight. They are so taut you swear you can see the stretch marks starting to form before your eyes. With a lack of anal to elevate the eros and Ms. Ardell's brainless, bubbleheaded personality, we have a real pork puzzle here. Half the scene sizzles. The other part sucks dogshit. As a result, the ranking goes right down the middle.

Scene 4: Veronica Rayne, Jack Venice
Acts Performed: Cunnilingus, Blowjob, Doggy, Cowgirl, Vaginal Gaping, V to M, Anal Spoon, Anal Doggy, $hot in Mouth
Score: 1.5 out of 5

Sorry to say it Ms. Rayne, but you can't act. Oh sure, you can take cock up your ass like a trooper, but give you some lines about a limp dicked husband, and you sound like you learned English through a correspondence course. You stumble and stutter, creating chaos instead of character. Not to worry, though. Mr. Venice is just as hampered in the thespian department. Besides, all we care about is your eventual shuck and jive, right? Well, we're in for another disappointment, since Veronica and Jack generate zero heat. As our meat puppet starts starving for oxygen, his body turning bright red before our eyes, Ms. Rayne lays on her back and plays porno pretend. They never gel as a couple, and manage to make the anal seem dull and derivative. Thankfully, there is a lack of cavernous cunt spreading here, meaning that this is not the worst scene in the series…almost.

Scene 5: Jazzmin, Mario Rossi
Acts Performed: Toy Time, Masturbation, Cunnilingus, Blowjob, Tit Fucking, Mish with Added Vibrator Action, Reverse Cowgirl, Doggy, $hot on Ass, Additional Doggy, V to M, Mish, Reverse Cowgirl, Spoon, $hot on Stomach with Oral Clean-up
Score: 2.5 out of 5

Proving that no one will out wang him in his own hardcore film, Mario Rossi puts on a pussy clinic in this final scene. Jazzmin is a fairly attractive Asian babe with breasts bought out of a second hand catalog. They sit like rocks on her otherwise curvy frame. Mario begins by banging the shit out of her, even allowing his partner to pulsate her pussy with a toy while he taps away. After giving her the groin in both the backwards range riding and bow wow ways, Mario unloads a hefty helping of ball broth all over Jazzy's junk. But then he doesn't stop there. Oh no, Mr. Rossi rigids up his rod and goes for it - again. A little more dog, another reverse trip across the porn plains, a little spoon, and it's time for ANOTHER money moment. His final spurt of spunk hits our Eastern honey in the chest, and she immediately bathes his tool with her tongue to thank him. It's a good thing Mario didn't follow up on the premise of this scene. At the beginning, Jazzmin had some heinous ass gas. She was farting and fuming up the place with her poots before her soon to be lover showed up with her wallet. Now imagine gaping within that scenario. Ewww…

Disco Dirge Peter Meter Rating: 2 out of 5 (Rent It
Cohabitation Certification: Granted

If he could control his irritating impulses, Mario Rossi could be a very clever and creative porn director. He understands the penis and pussy dynamic inherently, and when he isn't making a joke of the material, his scenes really steam with passion and heat. Still, there is not enough here to warrant an outright purchase of Cheating Wives Tales. The Dirge believes if you Rent It, you will have a chance to make a far more reasonable retail decision. There is nothing here to keep couples from enjoying the erotic - bad acting and breast implants aside. Therefore, a Cohabitation Certification is granted. Not all porn stars are cut out to make their name both before and behind the camera. Mario Rossi has obvious talent. He just needs to reel in his forced flair and irritating idiosyncrasies. He's got the fuck and suck down pat. It's the rest that derails him.