First Impressions:
In the world of difficult adult cinematic combinations, sex and the spoof seem like perfect partners. Unlike that icky, odd alt-porn that seems to thrive on a combination of nastiness and nookie, films like Space Nuts and The Camp Cuddly Pines Power Tool Massacre have used humor to highlight humping with relative ease. In light of the recent box office atrocity known as The Da Vinci Code, we now get its hardcore equivalent, and the approach taken is more mockery than mystery. In fact, director Jerome Tanner views his Dan Brown send-up an Airplane! level burlesque loaded with nonstop jokes, cartoonish performances and enough additional elements of Eros to make the entire experience extra-special. Looking to work your funny as well as your fuck bone, Tanner hopes his hilarity matches his hardcore for a nice combination of laughs and lewdness. It's no real surprise then that both cinematic conceits are a little underwhelming, with the porn being less successful than the parody. Many of the gags here are stupid, but they're no worse than the Date/Scary Movie scripts making mega-bucks at the multiplex. No, aside from one scene, the fuck and suck here is kind of tame, resulting in a less than arousing experience from a XXX standpoint.

The Sex Scenes:

Each of the sex scenes here focus on a facet of the narrative. The first is part of a lecture penis profiler Missy Monroe gives on spunk reading. The second is a session of sharking between a hitman and the hitwoman hired to off him – in more than one way. Next, we flashback to the murder that starts the whole story, as a hooker fucks a museum curator as a diversion for stealing the famed Da Vinci masterpiece the Mona Lisa. As our investigation continues, our female detective contacts, and gets connubial with scholar extraordinaire Lee Teabag. Finally, the Priore of Semen holds its pre-cloning ritual (their centuries-old purpose has been to preserve the spunk of the world's greatest thinkers, and the Lisa was apparently painted with Da Vinci's 'load') that's nothing more than an excuse for six chicks to get all Sappho on each other. From a standpoint of incorporating the sex into the storyline, The Da Vinci Load is excellent. But the XXX material is occasionally dull, and that makes for a problematic porno.

Scene 1: Missy Monroe, Scott Nails, Steve Holmes
Acts Performed: Dueling Head, Doggy, V to M, Mish, Face Fucking, Ball Sucking, Cunnilingus, Anal Mish, DP in the Reverse Cowgirl Mode, DP in the Cowgirl Mode, $hot to Face and Glasses
Score: 2 out of 5

Giving a lessen in determining the ethical make-up of a man via his spew, Missy delivers one of the better scenes in the film. Scott and Steve are rather faceless fuck buddies, and their DP is more hole-filling that orifice opening. They basically insert their cocks and then sit there. As long as Ms. Monroe is in control – sucking dick and getting drilled - the scene works well. But the DP payoff is weak and the pop to the glasses is just plain weird. Tanner does add the engaging element of having the action take place in the classroom, in front of an audience of eager students. Some of their crude comments are quite funny, and it gives the sequence a lift it otherwise lacks.

Scene 2: Joey Hart, James Deen
Acts Performed: Blowjob, Cunnilingus, Mish, Reverse Cowgirl, Doggy, $hot in Face
Score: 2 out of 5

Joey is a smoking hot babe with a wicked way with her womb. James is a skinny string bean who can barely keep up with his passionate paramour. Together they deliver a decent scene, but one can't help but imagine what this pairing would have been like had Tanner hired a more aggressive, complementary meat puppet. Joey looks like she's ready for much more than James can deliver, and the minimal amount of positions here really undermines the arousal factor. In yet another clear argument for careful casting and chemistry, this sequence screams for a different dick to deliver the drilling.

Scene 3: Tory Lane, Claudio Meloni
Acts Performed: Blowjob, Cunnilingus, Reverse Cowgirl, Mish, Doggy, V to M, $hot to Mouth
Score: 2.5 out of 5

In what is undoubtedly the best sex scene in the film, the perfect pairing of Tory with Claudio delivers fucking that's fiery and fun. Sure, Mr. Meloni is a little doughy, his waist waddle wobbling as he pounds Ms. Lane's loins. But Tory can take it, and her luscious body forgives many an aesthetic faux pas. With a great combination of Reverse Cowgirl, Mish and Doggy, this couple copulates in ways guaranteed to get your groin's groove on. With a nice money moment and the interesting museum setting as a backdrop, this sequence illustrates what The Da Vinci Load could have been. Sadly, it's an isolated incident.

Scene 4: Haley Page, Evan Stone
Acts Performed: Blowjob, Cunnilingus, Tongue Fucking, Reverse Cowgirl, Standing Scissors, Mish, $hot to Face and Mouth
Score: 2.5 out of 5

Evan Stone is usually a go-to guy when it comes to XXX-citement. He almost always delivers, and he really does give it the old surfer stud try here. Sadly, he is teamed up with Haley Page, whose monotone performance as the police detective is matched only by her laconic ways in the sack. She is more statue than sex partner and only seems conscious when sucking on Evan's massive member. Still, all lack of visible ardor aside, we do get a decent dunking here, with Mr. Stone sucking on Ms. Page's pussy with obvious relish. In fact, it's the oral aspects of this scene, not the standard shaft into snatch material that makes the sequence sizzle.

Scene 5: Missy Monroe, Haley Page, Eva Angelina, Jasmine Tame, Charlotte Stokley, Michelle Maylene
Acts Performed: All Girl Girl Gratuity Including Oral, Grinding, Strap On, Tit to Twat Fu, Toy A/V to M and Anal Beading
Score: 2 out of 5

The Dirge has gone on the record so many times with his flaccid fascination over girl/girl action that he will reserve further criticism for a more opportune time. Instead, he will point out what works here. Everyone in the orgy ASIDE from our leads (Missy and Haley) are absolutely stunning. Ms. Angelina looks imminently humpable, Jasmine shows off her petite pertness with incredibly exciting style, and Ms. Maylene is another vision of lewd loveliness. There is lots of toy action here as well, an element that always elevates the standard Sappho shenanigans. Still, director Tanner takes the orgy tag a little too seriously. He avoid close-ups and combinations to focus on the entire erotic extravaganza, and it's more or less a given that we miss some major she steam along the way. In essence, this is a same sex sequence that could have worked better had the director staged it properly. As it stands, it is good, but definitely not great.

Disco Dirge Peter Meter Rating: 2.5 out of 5 (Recommended)
Cohabitation Certification: Granted

It the sex had been more stimulating, if the humor hadn't undermined the hardcore along the way, The Da Vinci Load would easily earn a higher score. As it stands, this decent XXX diversion is awarded a Recommended. You'll have fun here, even if you laugh more than launch your loads. Couples will find nothing offensive in this semi-successful spoof, thus guaranteeing a Cohabitation Certification and a nice bit of marital aide arousal. While this flesh feast version of Dan Brown's over-hyped hooey is head and shoulders above the boring mainstream movie now in theaters, Jerome Tanner's Da Vinci parody has too many gags and not enough gratuity. Amplifying the latter would have made for a carnal classic. As it stands, this is just a warmed over bit of wantonness in search of more substantial sex to sell. Too bad it never uncovered its own secret to erotic success.