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This Ain't COPS XXX

Hustler Video

Genre: Sitcum Porn Parody

The Ladies

Director: Axel Braun

Cast: Phoenix Marie, Evan Stone, Brooke Banner, Jack Lawrence, Bobbi Starr, Dale DaBone, Jayden Jaymes, Mr. Pete, Reena Sky, Alexis Grace, Alec Knight
Non-roles: James Bartholet, Johnny Pockets, Marc Star, 2Ply

Length: 123:30 minutes

Date of Production: 2010

Extras: There was some spam, a slide show, more spam, some trailers, and then a 21:25 minute long Behind the Scenes feature. The BTS was mostly interview material, the ladies doing stuff like Jayden's "my sexy cop dance" amusing me.

Condoms: None

Phoenix Marie with the mighty Evan Stone

Audio/Video Quality: This Ain't COPS XXX was presented in a colorful 1.78:1 ratio, anamorphic widescreen, offering as shot by director Axel Braun for Hustler Video using the 480 resolution and MPEG-2 codec typical of standard definition projects. There appeared to be an attempt to do this one quickly but in a fun manner, paying closer attention to the sets, the clothing, and other visual elements of the movie this time, the folks at Hustler wisely listening to those who point out the best way to make a sitcum work. The editing wasn't as tight as the best genre efforts but Claudia Ross seemed up to the task of polishing up Axel's raw footage nicely enough, the video bitrate hovering in the 5.9 Mbps area most of the times I looked. The standard definition version of the flick had few compression artifacts, only a bit of noise & edge enhancement, and proper lighting to assist in making the movie look more like the original, the art direction credited to the director himself and the flick shot in reality TV style as expected. In short, in terms of the visual aesthetics, this title was better than the other parodies of the show I've watched over the years, similar to most of Axel's works in the sitcum genre. The audio was presented in a 2.0 Dolby Digital English with a 192 Kbps audio bitrate and 48 kHz sampling rate, the script credited to Marc Star seeming to be much better than his last effort I checked out, the musical interludes infrequent but actually kind of amusing (and entertaining beyond expectations). In that sense, the aural aspects of the movie benefited by the help of Bones, the other audio factors well done.

Brooke Banner with Jack Lawrence

Body of Review: Axel Braun is one of the princes of parodies these days, his soon-to-be award winning titles from this year all the rage here on Xcritic. Hustler Video has been his home for some time now and even as he has branched out to other companies, Axel continues to upgrade his works, even on the smaller (lower budget) projects, the latest of which is called This Ain't COPS XXX. The movie is based on the long running reality television show that spawned so many others, showing police hard at work catching the dumbest criminals as part of a public relations gimmick many find extremely entertaining (I've watched a handful of episodes with friends over the last 20+ years). This time, the show is focused on Chatsworth, showing a lot of nods to the home of the porn industry in the USA with amusing scenes using the talents of the mighty Evan Stone, curvy babe Jayden Jaymes, former officer Jack Lawrence, and nasty gals like Phoenix Marie and Bobbi Starr jumping cock like its going out of style.

Bobbi Starr with Dale DaBone

The company described the movie like this: "There's just something about a man--or woman--in uniform that gets the blood boiling. Whether it's a nurse, a fireman, a soldier, or even a dentist, a person in uniform is about as sexy as the idea of Brad and Angelina getting it on in front of a roaring fire on a bear skin rug. But without digressing any further, what's the sexiest, most played up uniform cliché out there? The cop. With their official badges, handcuffs, tazers, and big 'ole guns, a cop might be the hottest uniform fantasy to ever grace the human hypothalamus. For that very reason, Hustler Video has decided to put out a film all about cops. And what better TV program to parody, than a show that has everything to do with law enforcement! Without further ado, it's time to feast your eyes (and libido) on the newest parody from Hustler Video, This Ain't Cops XXX. Alexis Grace and Reena Sky play the part of two cat-fighting hookers, fighting over...fighting over...well, who the hell cares what they were fighting over! The point is that dresses were being ripped, hair was being pulled, nipples were slipping, and panties were being exposed. Cut to: Alec Knight, who enters as the officer on the scene, and when he threatens to send them to jail for being involved in illegal prostitution, the two girls show him that maybe being a hooker in this town can have its advantages. With experience comes wisdom, and with wisdom comes knowing how to give a grade A blowjob! As a woman in uniform, Jayden Jaymes finds herself in quite a compromising position when she gets called to an incident that's taking place on a porn set, and suddenly finds herself being thrust in to a sex scene with the likes of Mr. Pete. Although easily mistaken for one of the talent, Jayden more than agreeable acquiesces to Mr. Pete's probing and soon enough has replaced her night stick for Mr. Pete's baton. Directed by Axel Braun, these five shrewdly written and well performed scenes will surely make you hot to trot for the This Ain't Cops XXX parody." Here's a brief look at the scenes by cast and action, noting that no condoms were used for those still interested:

Jayden Jaymes with Mr. Pete

Scene One: Phoenix Marie, a busty blond with great curves, was up first in a domestic dispute resolved by the mighty Evan Stone. She had been arguing with James Bartholet, readily displaying her body to Evan as part of his duties. This led to him eating her ass and pussy, some titty play encouraging her to join in his oral antics. She was again an active vaginal rider and impaled herself on cock as though she wanted it, not just for the money, some taste testing eventually leading to his wad of genetic juice landing in her mouth to savor. They had some chemistry to go with the energy and enthusiasm, making it an appealing opening scene.

Reena Grace and Alexis Sky

Scene Two: Brooke Banner, playing a curvy hooker wearing blue jean shorts and a white mesh top, was up next as a hooker trying to make a living off a mope like Johnny Pockets before officer Jack Lawrence (the only "real" police officer in the production, well, before he left to make porn) caught them in the living room. He confiscated the money and was pushed to the couch by Brooke, the gal knowing what he was packing was to her liking. She pulled out his pecker and began sucking him off, soon riding his face with her crotch before a series of active vaginal rides ensued. She verbally coaxed him to continue and she provided some taste testing, leaving on her black thigh high boots as he banged her relentlessly. That led to a nut of population pudding tossed off to her chest, the explanation at the end of the scene quite funny.

Scene Three: Bobbi Starr, a lean brunette officer with a sweet ass, was up next as she chased motorcyclist Dale DaBone around a neighborhood as he performed some stunts. They struggled and he took her gun from her, the couple coming to terms over what to do the pornified way. They pawed each other and kissed, Bobbi frisking his clothes off as soon as possible while he helped her out of her uniform. Bobbi then dropped down to her knees to service him, jerking his meat before soundly sucking him hard, throating him with ease. He then took off her animal print panties to reveal her expansive bush, Dale plowing her pussy as she gave some over the top vocals, the various positions allowing the active ride to elicit a mouthful of spunk that she licked clean.

Scene Four: Jayden "I was arrested when I was 18" Jaymes, the busty brunette officer seen on the lower left hand corner of the front cover, was up next as she checked into a porno being shot without permits. Given that the scheduled talent was late and called for an officer in a later scene, her attitude led the crew to believe she was a working gal about to bang Mr. Pete. When she saw his pecker staring her in the face, she did what was natural and blew him passionately, working his rod aggressively with her hand to gland combat and mouth, savoring the experience. Pete then snacked on her crack and began pounding her pussy, her ass high in the air as she bent over a desk to take him as deeply as she could. There was some intermittent oral here too, Jayden having a good time as she pushed back to meet his thrusting penis, her tits bouncing and her aural talents livening things up. The scene ended thanks to her oral talents as supplemented by a handjob, his load of semen landing on her tits.

Scene Five: Reena Sky and Alexis Grace were up last with officer Alec Knight, the ladies involved in a catfight that he broke up in a shitty alley. Their dresses were half torn off and they were swearing at each other, assaulting him as they fought to stay out of jail. He called in for backup but dismissed it when it was clear they intended to earn their way out of trouble, both sharing his cock orally as they worked him over in a very friendly manner. He then ate both of them before they took turns on his cock, the vaginal positions allowing the ladies a number of opportunities to play with each other along the way. They were fun, frisky, and full of energy that they used to elevate the status of the scene, Alec jerking off to both of their faces for them to share his semen orally.

Summary: This Ain't COPS XXX by director Axel Braun for Hustler Video was another step in the right direction for the man, the camera work and editing close enough to the original show, the cast full of great choices on both sides of the law, and enough digs to merit a rating of Highly Recommended for genre fans. I would have enjoyed more extras but the strokability, replay value, and sheer entertainment value of the stereotypical roles amplified and pornified to such an extent that I dare you to refrain from laughing out loud while watching it. In short, This Ain't COPS XXX had enough raw edges in need of polishing up to remind me that it came from what some refer to as a "parody mill" but proved to be a few steps above the usual pale imitations, enough to hope for a sequel or two if steps will be taken to make it as solid an experience as this one was.