This weekend I admitted out loud to my wife that we are sexually incompatible. How long have I known this and kept it inside? Probably for the past 3 years or more, which is the majority of our relationship. You know it's not quite real when you don't say stuff out loud, but now that it has been said I am starting to wonder if that isn't one of the biggest reasons I want to open up our relationship.
I was watching a porn the other day, as I do a lot of, and there was this one scene that just brought me back to some of the most amazing sex I've ever had. There was so much intensity between the actors and when the guy's dick would fall out of the woman's vagina she would whimper. She would whimper out of the sheer need to have his dick in her. She felt a loss when it was no longer there. And at the same time, the sex was so intense that she could barely handle to have his dick in her at all.
And my wife happened to wander into the room while I was watching this scene. I told her how amazingly hot it was. She asked me to play it for her even though she doesn't really like porn. So I played it and I explained why it was so hot to me as it was playing. She didn't feel the same, not surprising since she doesn't like porn. But then soon after she started feeling resentful and upset. Thinking about it now, I wonder if she could tell that I missed that kind of sex. I wonder if that is why she felt the way she did. Maybe that is the reason she feels that way about porn in general?
How long has it been since I've had sex like that? Five years maybe? Since before my wife anyways. And that's just it. I guess when I originally thought I would get married it would be to someone who I had fantastic sex with. But what's more important to me in the day to day is the other ways in which we're extremely compatible. We get along great and our dynamic really works. The sex though is frustrating for both of us. It's not that we have bad sex. It's good sex. It's just not fantastic sex and it never was.
I should clarify. It is not fantastic sex for me. It is pretty fantastic for her. I am the only person who has ever given her an orgasm. I turn her on so much and when I dominate her she loves it. For her, she married the person who she has the best sex with.
For me, fantastic sex has often gone hand in hand with personality conflicts. Why would I want to marry someone that doesn't make me happy? And don't get me wrong, I don't feel like I've settled when it comes to my wife. She is amazing.
The reason that it is frustrating for her is because we don't have enough sex. The way that I need to be seduced and the way that she needs to be seduced are so completely different that we don't even seem to understand each other. In the beginning of our relationship we just had sex all the time because that is what you do. But now we need to make the effort and the effort is often completely lost because the way that I seduce isn't noticed by her and the way she seduces turns me off. It does not work. We've been trying to work on it, but it is difficult to say the least.
But there's this other problem as well. I don't know if my body is even capable of having amazingly intense sex anymore. I have so many issues with pain and it just may be an impossible ideal at this point in my life. But I still want to try. I miss it. I miss feeling like a sexual creature. I always had a huge libido, bigger than everyone else I ever dated and I miss it. It used to be such a large part of my identity and now there is a hole there where it once was.