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Desperate Wives

Studio: Sex Z Pictures » Review by Don Houston » Review Date: 5/26/05

XCritic's Advice: Watch On Demand

Desperate Wives

Sex Z Pictures

Genre: Feature

Director: Roy Karch

Cast: Mika Brown, Sergio, Nicole Sheridan, Voodoo, Shy Love, Seth Dickens, Audrey Hollander, Otto Bauer, Nikki Hunter, Jason Horne
Non-sex role by Sharon Kane

Length: 93 minutes

Date of Production: 12/4/2004

Extra's: The best extra was the 21.5 minute long Behind the Scenes feature by Will Lee. It had some decent, if uneventful, footage and fans of the cast will see a combination of interviews and sex footage with the usual getting ready stuff too. I thought it was fun but many of you will skip it since it wasn't particularly special. There were also some trailers, a photogallery, and an internet link but I didn't get the box to the show so I can't say if there were any other extras (or even if this was the full release).

Condoms: None

Audio/Video Quality: Desperate Wives was presented in the same 1.33:1 ratio full frame color it was shot in by director Roy Karch for Sex Z Pictures. The scenes were all shot moderately competently with some attention to lighting, composition of the shots, and other technical aspects but the levels of grain were too high, the colors seemed somewhat saturated, and the DVD had some nasty compression artifacts that drove me nuts. I'm not saying they were all over the place but they were more prevalent than many other current releases, perhaps this is why they sent the DVD without a box and cover (hoping it'd go to the bottom of the review pile). The stereo audio was basic in most ways with no separation between the channels and a limited dynamic range. Feature porn has more of a need for good audio than gonzo so this hurt the overall effort a bit more than usual.

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Body of Review: Now that director Roy Karch is lending his capable skills to newcomer Sex Z Pictures as their lead director, people have asked me if I think he'll do a better job than at his last regular gig. Truth be known, I honestly hope so because while I know he has some ability to do more than make commercials or other basic feats, his movies have often left me cold and uninvolved. I'd like to think this was primarily because I've watched thousands of movies and reviewing over 3000 at various websites has made me super critical but I still manage to find something to like in most movies, even now. That said, his latest effort is Desperate Wives, a movie sort of billed as a porn version of the broadcast television show Desperate Housewives, a drama for those without anything better to do. If it had been made with a sense of humor (in parody style), I'd like the show a lot more than I did but the bottom line is that it was merely a series of strung together vignettes that lacked anything outside a minor thread to link them together. Even Mr. Karch has done better than this so without further ado, here's a look at the scenes, some of which were well done:

Scene One: Mika Brown, the black gal on the front DVD cover (second from the left for the color impaired), was up first as the initial performer, giving a sample of her couchie to Sergio on a couch in a cramped living room. He snacked on her crack and she reciprocated but neither was in peak form this time. She did vaginal and anal but she looked like she was in pain for most of the scene and that has never really worked for me. I've seen worse scenes but not recently.

Scene Two: Nicole Sheridan, the blonde on the front and center of the DVD cover, was up next after giving Shy Love an earful of what worked for her. I liked her black lingerie and the solo action a lot but it was Voodoo that perked her up the most. I know they're a real life couple and I have seen them in at least a hundred or more scenes but they simply have so much chemistry and spark together that I'd be lying if I said I tired of watching them. Another positive note was that I haven't seen them do anal in a while and while I enjoyed the rest of the scene, the anal was especially warm here with Nicole doing most of the work as she road him hard. It ended when he jerked off to her mouth and chest but she didn't swallow so some of you may not be as stoked on the action as I was but it was still a very solid scene for me with plenty of replay value.

Scene Three: Shy Love, the brunette with large implants and big teeth to compliment her sweet ass and nice legs, was up next as she coaxed studly Seth Dickens into some action over a cup of coffee. She was the second gal from the right hand side on the front DVD cover and I've found many of her performances to be very personally satisfying. In any case, they did the usual oral and straight sex but there was little special about it as they seemed light on energy and chemistry to me, and I'm known as a fan of hers. She did do some of the work but it wasn't as heated as I've seen her (it was definitely on the weaker end of her scale) so I was more than a little disappointed at it.

Scene Four: Audrey Hollander, the redheaded bombshell located on the far left hand side of the front DVD cover, was up next in a scene that actually made me appreciate her more than I usually do. I've met her in person and she has a lovely body but something about her act leaves me cold most of the time. As she matures in porn and her curves fill out just a bit, she appeals more and more to me but I think it's the manner in which she has begun to more aggressively express her sexuality that truly has made the difference. This time, she did Otto Bauer while she was dressed in some satiny red lingerie. Her sloppy oral action gave way to a heated anal slamming and even included a technical DP for good measure. He eventually did tap that sweet pussy but it was anti-climatic since she seemed spent by that point. In short, the qualities that made Nicole's scene so good were present in spades here, although Audrey was bigger on the energy and lighter on the chemistry in my book.

Scene Five: Nikki Hunter, a tough blonde with killer curves and an irritating accent, was up next in addressing room with Jason Horne. She's the hotty located on the right hand side of the front DVD cover in case you've been in hiding for the last few years. Her seduction routine nearly worked as well for me as it did her partner (he did have the benefit of proximity after all) and she masturbated until he went down on her crotch to give some oral loving that appeared to drive her wild with desire. Her own oral was the best of the show, abandoning any semblance of dignity in favor of a balls to the wall sloppy blowjob that kept me up at night after I saw it. The vaginal was pale by comparison but her anal act made up for it in a scene that tied with Audrey's for second place. Whew!

Summary: Desperate Wives had some decent scenes going for it, likely due to the manner in which the performers of those scenes have been people I like watching have sex, but the overall movie was painful to watch. I wish I wasn't reviewing it since that way I could've just skipped the really stupid (even for porn) parts and went to the sex scenes exclusively. I'm going to arte the movie as a Rent It for three of the scenes but the other two were bad enough to drag down what could have been a solid recommendation. In short, Desperate Wives was indeed desperate, but only for better direction and a better story. If Sex Z Pictures ever makes a compilation series, it would do well to place the three good scenes here on it and forever banish this release to the scrapheap as it managed to be even more boring then the television show (and that wasn't easy).

You can email me with questions at Houstondon @ hotmail.com if you have any constructive criticism of the review too. :) Also you can follow me on twitter @HoustonDon

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