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LA Kink

Studio: North Pole Enterprises » Review by Crimson Clown » Review Date: 5/17/08

XCritic's Advice: Watch On Demand

You can imagine my blubbers and violent whimpers when I discovered "LA Kink" didn't actually feature anyone from "LA Ink," because say what you will about reality shows, but the women at that tattoo parlor are steaming hot. There's no person better suited for sexual fantasies than Pixie Acia, or Kat Von D. Screw dignity. They didn't even give us look alikes for this porno, and that's a damn shame. "LA Kink" attempts to set up a narrative in its run time of a little under two hours, and for what we're given, it works considerably.

"LA Kink" is told through the dreams and fantasies of Niya, an Asian cutey who is dreaming of four hardcore sex scenes involving good looking girls and banging that would wake the dead. Actually, that's what we're told. No seriously, Niya appears in the opening to proclaim that "L.A. Kink" is her fantasies. Why would she name it that? And what did they do to film her fantasies? Ah, enough logic fishing.

Cassandra and Dana
Cassandra and Dana are runaways/hobos who haven't had a shower in days, and are starving. Niya appears in front of a disorienting backdrop ordering her second hand to fish the girls away, but he wants to take justice into his own hands. In spite of being unable to afford food, the girls are well made up and awfully well clothed, but you give up your right to ask questions as soon as the title starts, so let's not split hairs. He locks the girls in a cell with him and forces them into humiliating behavior including slapping, smacking, and insults. Before Guantanamo Bay flashbacks begin, he stuffs his cock into Dana's mouth (Why?! They haven't showered in days! Eck!) and forces her to blow him while Cassandra watches fingering herself. He throws Dana onto the bed and face fucks her against her will, and roughs her up a bit, and Cassandra crawls over to molest Dana. Cassandra eggs her on, sucking him off with her, and Dana bends down to eat out Cassandra, as he jerks off and tugs on her tits. He pounds Dana from behind as she cries out, and straddles her as she sucks on Cassandra's foot, growling and gnawing on her toes.

Dana mounts him and rides him fast and hard as Cassandra takes advantage smacking her friend's behind (who's side is she on?), and begins to eat her hole, currently filled with the guard's cock. Cassandra bends over to get his cock shoved into her mouth aggressively while Dana licks at her soles. Cassandra moves to the side to let Dana straddle the guard who pounds her pussy from under her, Cassandra meanwhile shoves her foot into her friend's mouth only to watch her be pounded on again. Dana and he sixty-nine for a bit, with his cock and Cassandra's foot in her mouth, and Dana is turned to the side with her face planted in Cassandra's pussy. The guard finally feeds the chicks... with cum! Now that's a porno meal for women who'd rather have a burger. Niya is set to go home. She's tired... is this still her fantasy or is she awake?


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Resembling somewhat of a mix between Ingmar Bergman and Wham, this second segment involves a beaming white room, a very buff dude who seems to be surprised at Adrianna's presence, and Adrianna who wanders into the eighties chic living room (?) to begin fingering herself. Almost as if they just happened to be in the right place at the right time, they masturbate separately and then slowly move toward one another. Is this performance art? Who knows? But it's definitely something I'd see on "Real Sex." Either way, they begin to perform for one another, apparently, fingering and jerking off aggressively, and then he finally builds up the courage to shove his cock in her mouth as she continues fingering her pussy. She performs for him again, and he shoves his cock into her mouth face fucking her briefly. He lies back to masturbate, and she mashes his nuts a bit with her large boots and presses them against his chest teasing him. She finally faces him after some tedious foreplay, and he munches on her clit with her legs wide spread. She kneels down to take a pounding up the ass from him, and teases him by covering his mouth inducing asphyxiation, and he passes out... just kidding. Actually this pretentious segment, apparently the director's attempt to be arthouse savante, is quite tedious and also extremely boring. I never thought such a hot girl could make me yawn, but she did. Niya is sleeping... in her make up...

Probably suffering from an STD, Franchezca complains that her pussy is swollen. I mean, what else could it be? Anyway, this means she had to be admitted into a room, and put on a stretcher in a private hospital room still in her make up, stockings, and extremely large high heeled platform boots. Nonetheless, being a good doctor, her physician checks up on her by eating out her pussy to test the swelling of the lips. Not exactly procedure, but being a doctor is stressful. Doctor Stud begins injecting his pointer into Fran's clit and dissects her lips with his tongue. Left with no other recourse, he proceeds to perform post foreplay stimulus which Franchezca induces with her mouth, lying on the bed and shoving his whole cock into her throat. Not garnering any progress from these procedures, Doctor Stud performs an anal probe now upping the dose with both fingers, and allows 69 cc's of loving. Finally spreading her appendages, he launches his invasive tool into her and begins to massage her inner walls with his throbbing scope. Another 69 cc's on her bed prompts Franchezca to take oral from the doctor, and rides him deep and hard backwards. She then lunges his tool in a 69er, and mounts him again as he pounds her pussy and things intensify. Truth be told this is one of the few really good segments of the bunch, and that's because it doesn't really involve Niya, and feels unlike what the others try to be. After a massive analectomy much to Franchezca's delight, Doctor Stud is able to resuscitate the patient with two pints of cum juice. God bless the medical profession. Niya sleepy night night...

Michelle is... licking and polishing her sword. If her man friend starts fucking her with the blade end of the sword, this is officially the best porn ever made. Alas, no luck, but they do try to make light out of the flirting which leads to him holding the blade to her neck and whispering sweet nothings. Why is it when I do that to women I get arrested? So Michelle, looking mighty scrumptious and pushing the Asian aesthetic to stereotypical performances (Asian narrator, Asian set pieces, get it?) she proceeds to engage in foreplay with her mate who sticks his meat sword into her mouth engaging in the ancient art of 69. They go around and around with insults, cock sucking, insults, cock sucking, some spitting, and Michelle growls at every bit of deprication he hurls her way. He finally drops her on the bed and proceeds to fuck her in back rough and fast, and then spreads her to fuck her pussy as she screams for him to abuse and berate her. And when I do it to a girl, I get arrested. I love porn. She rides her mate viciously, ordering him to slap her and spit on her, and takes a pounding blabbering about god knows what, and slowly injects her pussy with his cock riding him like a horse. He picks her up and fucks her in his arms and flips her with ease prompting her to blow him and deep throat him. She cozies up with it rubbing his piece on her face and pulls on her own leash grunting with every pump. She leans back with her legs in the air and wobbls on his dick, and takes cum in the face which she laps up with joy. Niya sleeps...

Niya awakes! She moans and groans and rubs on her clit, and fondles her breasts, all stuff women do when they sleep, and her make up looks well touched up in spite of the sleep. Her hubby comes in to wake her up, they talk about her sleep, and they... of course... begin to fuck. She rubs his cock, while he reciprocates fingering her. His fingering intensifies as she jerks him off, and he quickly undresses to spread her and engage in mutual masturbation for a while. Niya is okay looking but she's not the ideal woman I'd have liked to lead up this movie. She's odd, pale, looks awkward in Goth make up, and lacks any charisma in her sex scene. I'm still not even sure why they tried to buid a storyline with her. It's not surprising about halfway in they abandon featuring her beyond her sleep sessions. She leans over and begins to blow him licking at his head and tickling his balls. She then mounts him bouncing up and down on his cock smacking her bubble butt while she screeches like a dog in heat nearly leaving me death. Her screams inevitably reach decibals beyond human pitches, and she slows down only to bounce his balls again, riding him briskly. He turns spreading her on her back on the bed and fucks her hard and fast while she fingers herself. He stops momentarily to finger her for a bit while she follows along looking bored, and anally fucks her sideways. He turns her over to slowly fuck her from behind, and she rides him backward mounting him. He finally fucks her again from behind and finishes off by cumming all over her ass.

The audio varies from time to time. On many occasions there's this odd static that overrides the performers voices and on other segments, there's perfect clarity in their dialogue and bodily sounds. The music is almost incoherent with barely anything coming off the speaker on the DVD menu, and on rare outside shots, the chances of hearing them talk is futile. The video is presented in a wide frame format but beyond that the colors are dull and grainy, and the whites often come off as yellows. The color scheme is often way off to enjoy and makes this a severely anemic directorial job.

There is an extra disc within the packaging that is really nothing more than a forty minute compilation of trailers from Northstar's productions, which is all well and good, but really a compilation of their best scenes would have sufficed much more, in the end. Nothing better than a compilation disc that comes with a movie. Adding to the dose of wholly unnecessary, there's a thirteen second trailer included as a special feature. And there's also the eight minute "Behind the Scenes" which is, as always, just a look at photographers taking pictures of the performers for stills and the packaging. You can't call this behind the scenes if there are no behind the scenes interviews, or set visits, for Pete's sake. A decent Behind the Scenes feature should be a little under a half hour, or it's just a montage.

After Thought:
Sadly, there are no look alikes for Pixie, Kat, Hannah, nor Kim, and no real sequences in a tattoo parlor so "L.A. Kink" is a pretty pointless title. Is it so much to expect a porn equivalent of the show? As a flick, it's hit or miss with the movie mostly planted in the miss categories with unusual segments, an odd framework for the segments, not to mention inadvertent comedy. Strictly, it's a Must Rent.

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