Tagline: “Take a ride on the Oriental Express!! ALL ANAL!”

Genre: Asian, gonzo

Length: 1:37:44

Date of Production: 3/29/06

Director: Dale Jordan

The Girls: Kaiya Lynn, Lyla Lei, Roxy Jezel, Mika Tan, Asia

The Guys: Richard Kline, Dick Delaware, Sergio, John West, Buster Good

First Impression: Any DVD that references 2 Live Crew’s “Face Down Ass Up” (“I like the butt, it’s my favorite position/I'm tired of the front, so that’s why I’m bitchin’”) from 1990’s seminal rap album Banned in the U.S.A. and featuring Asian goddesses Lyla Lei, Roxy Jezel, and Mika Tan is an automatic winner in my book. Automatic.

Extras: The “special features” aren’t so special.  All we get are seven trailers (Barely Legal Christmas, Bitches in Heat #4, Real College Girls #14, Taboo: On the Edge, Not the Brady’s XXX, Cookies & MILF #2, and More Than a Woman); five and a half minutes worth of stills; phone sex ads; and a commercial for HustlerHollywood.com. The main menu offers “Select a Star” and “Chapter Index” options, but these serve the exact same function.

The cool-but-redundant "Select a Star" menu.

Audio/Visual Quality: Picture quality is excellent.  Images are sharp and there isn’t a hint of grain, blurring (well, except when Dick Delaware is furiously pulling on his rod), or pixelation.  Also, Hustler has also done a nice job packaging the DVD.  Menus are colorful and slick and really help sell the “Asians Only” motif. The editing and end credits are also expertly done, impressive considering many of the gonzo Asian flicks I’ve seen look like they were slapped together with bought-off-eBay, pirated editing tools. (Although Roxy Jezel, the hottest girl on the disc, is curiously absent from the packaging.)

The sound, however, leaves a lot to be desired.  The brief solo intros are accompanied by a cheesy and wholly unnecessary instrumental soundtrack that only serves to a.) drown out the the girl’s ramblings, and b.) remind us that we’re watching low budget porn.  Also sucky sucky is the sound during the sex.  It’s tinny and loud and almost demands to be muted.

Scene one's Kaiya Lynn.

Scene 1 (Kaiya Lynn): The scene begins with sexy Kaiya crawling towards us on the floor of a three-walled set.  She’s all sex kitten-ish and telling us how much she likes to fuck.  She then retreats to a prop couch where she does a little strip tease, pressing her tits together here, slapping her ass there.  She’s cute as fuck and I was aroused within seconds.  Kaiya rubs her pussy a bit, but the solo action ends abruptly when high-waisted, faded jeans-wearing Richard Kline practically sprints into the frame from stage left. He plops down on the couch and cutie Kaiya gets right to work, first licking Kline’s cock through his jeans, then straddling him in reverse to stroke his rod.

What follows: bow and arrow with some really aggressive clit rubbing by Kaiya; some deep throating and gagging; reverse anal cowgirl (which highlights Kaiya’s appealing body and super-cute face); another bj; doggie-style anal; reverse anal bow and arrow; and finally, at the 21-minute mark, Kline shooting a weak load onto Kaiya’s panties, which she then practically devours and sucks completely dry.  A hot finish to a very sexy scene.

Scene two's Lyla Lei take aim.

Scene 2 (Lyla Lei): Next up is just-OK looking Lyla Lei.  We’re on the same set as the previous scene, and similar to the first segment, Lyla tells us how much she enjoys--guess what--fucking.  She then plays with herself for a couple of minutes.

Cut to Dick Delaware sitting on a couch.  Enter Lyla. Within seconds Delaware has ripped off his tear-away warm-up pants like he just got called into the game by Phil Jackson and is getting his ample cock sucked and swallowed sexily and agressively by his new fuck toy. The bj sloppily continues for about seven (!) minutes before Delaware just starts pounding his cock--reverse cowgirl-style--into Lyla’s gorgeous snatch.  Moments later, Lyla gets jack-hammered (again, reverse cg) in the asshole, the slap of their skin providing a sexy soundtrack to the wet ass fucking.

Another bj ensues, then some cowgirl anal, followed by Delaware standing with Lyla straddling his narrow waist.  She then gets worked doggie style before Delaware pulls out and jerks it until he practically flings a massive load of cum onto Lyla’s mug and the couch.  Not satisfied with the man paste caking her cheeks, Lyla licks the cum from the slip cover then spits on it before slurping it up again.  HOT.

Roxy Jezel.

*Sigh*

Scene 3 (Roxy Jezel): We’re in the “Bank of Somyonguy” (har har) and personal favorite Roxy Jezel is leaning against a blue cinder block wall. She pulls open an over-sized (and really unsexy) tweed blazer to reveal some fantastic red lingerie. Only four seconds in, and I’m already rock hard.  Anyway, it isn’t long before the bra and thong are on the floor and we’re treated to a smokin’ hot bird’s eye view of Roxy writhing around on an office chair, rubbing her heavenly snatch.

Cut to Roxy working as a bank teller.  I guess we’re supposed to be in a bank because of the sign on the wall and the authentic bank teller counter thing that has those pens attached to little chains anchored to it. But the walls are cinder block and blue and Roxy must be really good at this bank telling gig because she’s apparently the only person in the joint.  It looks like a basement. In Tijuana.

Anyway, Sergio enters and plops two fake-ass bags of cash (the kind you might find in a Tom and Jerry cartoon with big dollar signs on ‘em) on the counter.  Roxy acts all sexy and suggests that the two of them head to her “office” which is literally just a desk and file cabinet four feet away from where the two are standing.  But whatever.  Maybe this is how they do their banking in Somyonguy.

So Roxy opens her ugly jacket and reveals that she’s nude underneath.  Her body is flawless.  Dropping to her knees, Roxy then pulls Sergio’s cock out of his jeans and goes to town.  Minutes later, hot-bodied Roxy is kneeling on her desk, offering her beautiful ass up to Sergio. He licks her hole for a couple of minutes before flipping Roxy over and pounding her missionary-style. Then? Roxy stands and leans over her bare desk. Sergio slides his rod into Roxy’s tight asshole and pounds away.  A sloppy blowjob follows, before Roxy is again flipped over and fucked in the anus, missionary-style.  Another bj, some anal doggie, and finally, Sergio jerks a load onto Roxy’s feet, which--of course--she licks off whilst looking sexily at the camera.

Third hot finish in a row.

Mika Tan, just minutes before getting pounded by a pair

of huge cocks.

Scene 4 (Mika Tan): Mika is sportin’ an insanely tall pair of black heels.  Rather than risk injury, she quickly makes her way to a hideously adorned bed.  Mika writhes around and mugs for the camera a bit before a mini drama unfolds between Mika and her two male massage parlor customers. It’s a terribly lame set-up (I mean, why bother, y’know?) on a terrible set (the "sign" is a plain sheet of white paper that had probably just shot out of the producer's inkjet printer), but Mika does demonstrate some decent acting chops here (and reveals a glorious pair of tits in the process).

Cut to Mika on her knees giving aggressive dual blowjobs to the two studs. She’s like a fucking banshee and, most impressive, the cocks slide deeeeeep into her throat with alarming ease. Fucking sexy, indeed.

Mika can't suck cock for the entire segment so we're then treated to guy A pounding Mika's pussy from behind (with a few hard ass slaps and cheek squeezes) while she continues to give guy B a sloppy blowjob. Seconds later, the dudes switch, with guy B getting a chance to slide his cock into Mika's cunt while his pal jerks his rod over her face. And the best part of this sequence isn't so much the fucking (it's hot), but the sent-from-Heaven bird's eye view of Mika's super fine torso.

More dual cock handling with the guy's knobs bumping up against each other like two rams jockeying for Mika's affections (and fine, fine pussy).

Next up is some hot double penetration (cock A in asshole, cock B in pussy, naturally).  The scene culminates with a both guys shooting their loads onto Mika's gorgeous face.

Best scene so far.

Sleepy-eyed Asia's, um, gaping holes.

Scene 5 (Asia): Similar to scene two, our solo action takes place in a dimly lit (no idea why) "room." We find Asia wasting our time talking to the camera, then turning around and jiggling her cheeks for us.

Enter tribal-tattooed Buster Good who hams it up unnecessarily before...well, there's a lot of talk in this short scene before anything even remotely interesting happens. And Asia has a really annoying habit of glancing at the director every couple of minutes which completely destroys what little fantasy there is in this awful, lazy segment.

Anyway, the standard collection of sex acts ensues, from some cock sucking, to missionary, to reverse cowgirl anal.  There's just over 14 minutes of fucking here and it's not really all that hot, due mostly in part to veteran performer Asia who is probably my least favorite porn actress.  There's just something really unappealing about her and I can't figure out if it's because she looks suspiciously like Chaka from Land of the Lost or because she always looks like she's been drugged and being held against her will.

Final Thoughts: Despite the cheap, bland sets, uneven audio, and scene five's Asia, I'm recommending Face Down Ass Up: Asian Style.  Scenes on through four feature the hottest Asians in the business (highlighted by Roxy) engaging in some very stroke-worthy action.  The segments are varied, wet, and culminate in some original and sexy pop shots. Also welcome is the sleek animated menu. Even though the disc is short on extras, it's always welcome to watch a DVD that looks like it was packaged by people that give a shit about their product. Face Down is definitely worth a buy if you can find it for less than $20.