Oh come on, I've been a hardcore horror geek since I was five. Romero and Craven are some of the first words I ever mastered. I watched "Night of the Living Dead" when I was five. I mean, it was only obvious I would jump at the chance--nay--leap at the chance to review a porno that's based off of one of the greatest horror films ever made. Maybe I'm just lucky, but I get ahold of some of the cooler pornos I've ever seen (aside from the goddamn "This Ain't Munsters XXX" which Don was lucky enough to see first), so of course once I received it in the mail, I showed it to everyone willing to look at it. People couldn't believe what they were looking at. "The Texas Vibrator Massacre"? Are you serious, Rob Rotten? Scratch that: Are you the biggest goddamn genius who ever lived Rob Rotten?

So, I showed it to anyone willing to look at it; even my mom! That's right. She is a bigger horror geek than I am and she has dibs to see it since "TCM" is one of her all time favorite horror movies. Tobe Hooper baby. Rob Rotten goes through painstaking rather startling detail to make this seem unlike the average porno film and works at making it an actual movie at times. There's a story. There's performances beyond typical foreplay. There's some sick shit here! And yes: there are no segues in to segments with the fade in and fade out. It's smooth.

Which is why I'm reviewing "Texas Vibrator Massacre" without the usual segment descriptions because the sex scenes blend so seamlessly in to the story that it was almost impossible to set things up. I'll try to get to the usual format, but I spent more time reeling at Rotten's horror movie porno that I was actually more entertained than turned on. Look at the cover for godsake, it's brilliant! If I covered up the title and Roxy DeVille's gorgeous yum yums, you could very well think it is another sequel to the "TCM" gallery.

And once you turn it on there's that purposeful grainy film quality that makes it look like a combination between a grindhouse flick and an old fashioned stag film you'd find in theaters in 1979 or something. It's beautiful. I'm in paradise. And then once you get in to the story it's hard to tell if you're even watching a porno, because most underground horror films are practically pornos anyway, so you're pretty much watching another "Murder-Set-Pieces." Except this was enjoyable and not terrible.

And consider this: In the original Hooper masterpiece, Leatherface was a cross dressing invalid whose own chainsaw acted not only as a weapon for maiming, but as a phallic symbol, one that raped women he destroyed with the weapon! And here we have a Leatherface who uses a vibrator, an obvious phallic symbol! My brain is about to burst in to gooey juices of awe and stunned disbelief. Right on, Rotten. Right the fuck on!

Okay, enough fanboygasms.

"Texas Vibrator Massacre" sets down on a Southern wasteland where a group of teens in a van looking for their missing friends are stranded on a side road after running out of gas. It's funny because watching this introduction, we're obviously exposed to the fact that Roxy DeVille can't remember her lines. She struggles and tries her hardest, but she often looks to be thinking about what she has to say next and stumbling. The porno begins like the original. The group is stranded and lost, and while Ruby Knox goes out to piss, Bella Lynn and her beau decide to take a siesta fucking each other's brains out. Jamie Elle is probably my favorite of the group here because she gives an outstanding impression of Baby Firefly, even taking the time out to fuck her brother while Roxy is strapped up screaming. She looks incredible.

And she does what Sheri didn't have the cojones to do: Full on hardcore fucking. The sex scenes are all hot with most of the fucking very intense especially from DeVille who doesn't mind destroying her pussy with the motorized vibrator, as well as Elle whose fuck scenes make up the best material of the bunch.

There's even a great threesome moment where Ruby and Bella's Widow in the movie decide to fuck while the utterly sexy Daisy Tanks gets in on the action sneaking in a cock sucking without him realizing and inevitably getting a girl on girl with Bella. Hell even Jamie gets to fuck her brother while also molesting Roxy who sits strapped up in her chair. There's no real girl on girl action here which I forgive it for, but I would have still loved to see a girl on girl scene with Jamie and Roxy in the end.

The ultimate reveal of Leatherface a la Vibrator Massacre doesn't fail to live up to the hype. He's a henchman, and one who takes great joy in capturing naked women and torturing them. He also has his trusty vibrator in hand which he uses to fuck women to death with. With blood splatter and screams, they die with a smile. In the climax, he and Roxy face off with Roxy taking his mechanical vibrator up her pussy and getting on his good side. Suffice it to say she loves the vibrating maniac and takes it with a loud groan outside her pants and then inside her pussy. When the vibrator dies out, he must soon depend on his natural assets which is a hilarious moment but sexy too.

I loved it. Hell, I'm recommending it to everyone.

Audio/Visuals:

It's perfect. The picture is in widescreen with a purposely grainy yellow tint that is meant to recapture the grindhouse atmosphere while artificial strands and cigarette burns fill the film grain. The sound is great too with all of the dialogue coming in loud and clear along with the vibrators that sound as great as any other chainsaw can. Rotten did a bang up job with the technical aspects here.

Goodies:

We get two great faux-grindhouse trailers to "Sex Maniac," and "Porn of the Dead," the latter of which I have to see. These play before the actual movie. As for the other goodies, There's a director's commentary from Rob Rotten and the writer both of whom sit while the movie plays on a side screen. Shit, even the menu in which the commentary plays is wonderful. Goddamn. The commentary is hilarious and the guys seem very proud of what they've done with their film even displaying awe at the flies that added to the novelty. If that's not enough, we get a ninety minute (NINETY minutes!) "Behind the Scenes" special that chronicles the making of the porno. The cast seems to be having fun and there are even some fun games had with the mask. You also have to love the cast marveling at the humongous vibrators connected to giant motors. And of course there's a Photo Gallery that's just wicked.

After Thought:

I have to see "Porn of the Dead." I have to see "Porn of the Dead." Rob Rotten, you will send me "Porn of the Dead." Or Jamie Elle. Anyway, this is why I love porno, because I get to take part in hilarious and unusual events like "Texas Vibrator Massacre." I might seem like I'm getting excited here, but I'm a true to the bone horror fan, and this was a wonderful little homage to one of the greatest horror movies ever made. It's motherfucking brilliant, up and down. Drinks on me if you're ever in the Bronx, Rotten.