Genre: Vignette/Comedy 

Director: B. Skow

Cast: Monique Alexander, Rucca Page, Makali Channel, Chayse Evans, Alex Gonz Charles Dera, James Deen, Sascha, Jerry

Length: 135 min

Production Date: 10/2007

Audio/Visual:

In a Nutshell - Sloppy But Still Professional

While there is a noticeable off the cuff quality to the shooting style (this must be B. Skow's idea of wackiness) the 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen image still looks pretty good here. The transfer is bright and shiny, with some expert lighting and a nice control of colors and contrasts. The fleshtones look great and there is a lot of detail in the visuals. On the sound side, everything is easily discernible, and the music makes an impact but is not too intrusive.

Extras:

In a Nutshell - Pretty Much the Standard Stuff

For a company like Vivid, the lack of substantive bonus features on this DVD seems a little strange. Indeed, offering only a Positions Room, a Behind the Scenes featurette, a set of Vivid Girl Extras, along with a Movie Gallery, Vivid Previews, and the typical Merchandise Ads, this is an underwhelming digital presentation. Oddly enough, it matches the tone and the temperament of the main feature quite well. 

Condoms: No

First Impressions:

Comedy, like porn, is a subjective entertainment. What makes one person laugh (or drop a load) causes another to clam up like a cold fish. B. Skow, frequently touted as the "next big thing" in XXX circles, needs another lesson in how to make people plotz (and we don't mean via the genitals). Damaged Goods is indeed a joke, just not the funny ha-ha type. Instead, it's an apparent slapdash effort to make erratic editing and weird set-ups seem satiric. Of course, none of this really matters in the world of adult film fucking. All audiences really care about is whether or not the talent are getting tooled properly. The Dirge recommends you avoid the so-called humor and simply go for the grinding. It will be a lot more satisfying than waiting around for a joke to show up.

The Sex Scenes:

The Dirge has a certain standard for most male porn actors - if he believes he looks better than the dudes doing the dicking (or has friends that fulfill this ideal), he has a hard time 'standing up' to the sex. In the case of Damaged Goods, this portly middle aged man definitely finds himself doing a compare and contrast double take. B. Skow clearly cast this film with the local frat house in mind. The cunt carvers featured here sure look like the kind of reprobate that would regale each other with stories of how they screwed their respective pal's paramours. A special specious shout out goes to Mr. Gonz, whose flabby suitcase pimp persona is like pornographic saltpeter. On the positive side of things, the gals are nice and skanky - perfect for an evening of remote control self gratification.

Scene 1: Monique Alexander, Alex Gonz

Acts Performed: Kissing, Fingering, Titplay, Blowjob, Cunnilingus, Salad Tossing, Doggy, Cowgirl, 69, Reverse Cowgirl, Mish, $hot on Face, Oral Clean-up

Score: 1 out of 5

After some silly pillow talk (and the mandatory cellphone camera shoot), we get down to the balling business at hand. Alex is one nasty fucker, and that's not meant in a complimentary XXX manner. He's doughy, dumpy, and hygienically suspect. Besides, he's not packing enough pork to mandate such a sloppy look. Anything remotely enjoyable comes from Ms. Alexander only. It's a good thing she has another scene to show off her abilities.

Scene 2: Monique Alexander, Charles Dera

Acts Performed: Blowjob, Cunnilingus, Mish, Doggy, Spanking, Cowgirls, Scissors, $hot on Pussy

Score: 2.5 out of 5

The subtitle of this sequence is "Big Gulp", and after Monique takes a comedic load to the face (lasting a good 30 seconds), she and Charles start the real spit-balling. It turns out to be the best sequence in the entire film. He looks buff and ready to rock, she takes everything he's got and gives back plenty. There is a clear chemistry between the two (unlike the previous outing with Mr. Gonz) and as they build to a mutual climax, you can sense the connection between two. The rest of the cast just can't compete.

Scene 3: Makali Channel, Jerry

Acts Performed: Foreplay, Titplay, Blowjob, Mish, Cunnilingus, Doggy, Cowgirl, Reverse Cowgirl, Mish, $hot on Face, Oral Clean-up

Score: 1.5 out of 5

Jerry is an older student taking lessons from an adult education teacher. Somehow, the term "Speed Bag" is used to describe the scene. The Dirge has since forgotten why. Sadly, it's one of the few memories of this meaningless porn panorama that he's failed to retain. Again, Makali is a nice enough actress. She seems to have everything in the right places and knows how to use it all. But there is zero rapport between these performers. Their fuck and suck is the very definition of going through the marketplace mandated motions.

Scene 4: Chayse Evans, James Deen

Acts Performed: Fingering, V to M, Kissing, Cunnilingus, Blowjob, Mish, Cowgirl, V to M, Doggy, Reverse Cowgirl, Face Sitting, $hot to Face, Oral Clean-up

Score: 2 out of 5

Someone call the Health Department. In a segment subtitled "Nine and a Half Beers", our heroine chugs a few too many brews and does it with a customer at the bar where she works. It gives a whole new meaning to the term "cocktail" waitress. The V to M is a pleasant addition to the otherwise traditional action, and when Chayse does a 180 and squats on her partner's puss, James is both surprised and totally satisfied. It's just too bad B. Skow didn't allow for more amorous adlibbing like this. It would have made Damaged Goods so much better.

Scene 5: Rucca Page, Sascha

Acts Performed: Scissors, Gaping, Reverse Cowgirl, V to M, Blowjob, Mish, Anal Mish, Anal Scissors, Anal Doggy, $hot on Stomach

Score: 2 out of 5

Here it is - our one and only sequence of pooper pile driving (thus the subtitle "Anal Cowboy") and it's mediocre at best. Rucca may not be a novice when it comes to hardcore ass play, but her uptight butt gives Sascha's shaft a difficult time, penetration wise. Eventually, things open up a bit, but it's a struggle for everyone involved - audience included. There is some chemistry between the pair, and this is one of the few times when Skow's frenetic camera really helps the hardcore. It makes things seem more exciting than they obviously are.

Disco Dirge Peter Meter Rating: 2 out of 5 (Rent It)

Cohabitation Certification: Granted

It's not just the lack of humor. It's not the unattractiveness and minor XXX-lectricity of some of the cast. It's not B. Skow's cinematic slackness, or a relatively retarded narrative. No, Damaged Goods can only earn a Rent It rating because, when compared to other adult offerings available, it just can't compare. Some may enjoy its Pro-Am angle, or dig the dudes and dames involved. But as with anything meant to act as an aphrodisiac, your meat to mons mileage may vary. Couples will clearly find something to like about this vignette oriented offering, therefore a Cohabitation Certification is clearly warranted. If you think the concept of catching your significant other with one of your best friends offers up unlimited sex and satire possibilities, Damaged Goods will tickle all your bones - funny and otherwise. Others, like yours truly, are still waiting to get the gag.